There were several comments from people who were concerned about my statement that "I was in a lonely place" in the post about the suicide of my biological father. I wanted to explain the thoughts behind that statement, because I don't want anyone to worry that I feel "alone". I read through this post to proof it and started to delete it, thinking that this was way too self-absorbed, but I stopped myself because this is MY real estate. I sometimes write here to sort out my feelings, and if it helps someone else in the process that's even better. So, if you're not up for a bunch of not so risible reflections, I'd suggest moving along.

End of disclaimer.

The 'lonely place' and alone feelings didn't have so much to do with not feeling that I had a lot of support around me, because I do. I'm very blessed with a rich support system of people who are willing and able to step in and help me. I do not tap into that support system because I habitually handle the negative things in my own head, be it successful or not, and I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I'll go as far as to share the information about a situation, but I pull the brakes on the conversation when it comes to sharing how I feel about the situation. Most of the time it's because I do not really know how I feel or, more typically, I haven't given myself permission to feel. This only applies to the negative feelings. I am the first and loudest to vocalize my positive feelings. If I love someone, or am appreciative about something someone did, there is no question in anybody's mind how I feel.

Friday, I was in a place where I didn't feel comfortable in expressing my sadness because it didn't feel appropriate to me and I couldn't justify it in my head. Not surprisingly, I don't have anyone in my life that has had this same experience. Nobody who could tell me how they *felt* when it happened to them. Knowing someone who might be able to help me understand what I'm feeling is important to me because long ago I became so good at hiding my feelings that I've truly forgotten what many emotions feel like. The negative ones anyway. So, I seek out others who are in similar situations so they can tell me how they felt and try that feeling on "for size". This disconnect with my own feelings hasn't kept me from being deeply empathetic with other people, and I'm very grateful for that. I always had hope that since I could connect with what other people are feeling, then I'd eventually be able to understand my own feelings.

So, now comes the explanation for the title of my post: When the student is ready to learn, the teacher will appear.

I've always believed this in principle, but yesterday as I contemplated the timing of events over the past several months, I became acutely aware of it. The most recent event was the icing on the cake. I could really make quite a few cases for the title of my post, but the case of learning of my father's suicide is exactly what this is about. He killed himself on November 14, 1993, yet I just received this news on Friday.

This situation, like many of the others I've experienced in the past few months, took me through the recurring thought pattern of:

• "I think I'm feeling this, but I'm not sure."


• Then, "I'm not sure I'm supposed to have this feeling".


• Then, "Since I'm not sure that I'm supposed to feel this, I'm not sharing how I feel with anyone".


• And then it ultimately turned into the one I've become intimately familiar with, "How dare I have these feelings when it might possibly take away from something someone else might be feeling right now?"

Yeah, that little four ring circus in my head is a lot of fun....... all it needs is clowns and balloons.

This lesson? I believe it is to learn to comprehend what my feelings are, then acknowledge that I have a right to those feelings. I do not need to justify my feelings or compare them to someone else's feelings whether the situation was exactly the same, similar or nothing like mine. It doesn't matter. While I understand all of this in theory, I still need to learn how. Interestingly enough, I already started taking steps toward that three weeks ago. The timing of this is nothing less than exquisite.

Was I ready for this lesson twelve years ago? The answer to that question is a resounding NO. The other lessons I seem to be learning these past few months are things that I wasn't prepared for even after I made some very positive life altering changes almost five years ago. There are lessons that had to wait until I had a very solid support system. A place where I felt safe and protected. A place where I was with someone that I trusted to stand by me; someone that I didn't feel that I needed to protect.

I am now in that safe place and am ready to learn. Bring it on, teacher.