I had a nightmare while we were at my parent's house, that BJ decided to leave me. It was horrible because, in the nightmare, he actually moved out and then came back 'pretending' that he was back for good. However, he was doing things that made it obvious he was preparing for a more permanent departure.

"I think we should sell the house and move into an apartment. Then you wouldn't have to spend so much time in the garden" or "I think we should sell some of our stuff, that way we'll have more money in our checking account"

Whenever I'd question him about all that he was doing, he'd do his best to assure me that I was imagining things. I'd pretend that I believed him and it was really hard on me.

To be honest, it was very much like when my ex-husband left me in real life, so it was all very real to me and left me feeling very empty for a few hours after I woke up.

Last night, I had another one of those dreams that BJ was leaving me. I'm still really disturbed because it was so horrible and seemed to go on so long. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I can't make that feeling go away.

Those that have read my blog for a long time know that I've had issues with BJ's crazy step-mother. Part of the reason she's such a thorn to me is that she did all she could after BJ's dad died, to convince BJ (and who knows who else) that I was a mean and horrible person. That's the basis of this nightmare. I think it came from my trying to find a mother's day card to send to her that wasn't all "oh- you're such a great mother". Sadly, there aren't any "I wish you weren't a part of our lives" mother's day cards.

... so I guess the following nightmare is basically Karma for me having those evil thoughts while shopping for a Mother's day card for her.

In the dream, she finally convinced EVERYONE that I know, including BJ, that I'm an evil and horrible person. I'd been out somewhere and came home to a house full of people that hated me because I was such a horrible person. The step-mother was dragging me around by the arm to person after person to tell me that I didn't deserve BJ or deserve any friends and that FINALLY people believed her that I was evil and mean.

BJ wouldn't even talk to me in this dream, no matter how much I begged him to listen to me. I wanted to tell him that I'm not that person that she'd convinced everyone I was- but it was like talking to a wall. The step-mother was standing next to him smiling like the Cheshire cat. All around them were people yelling at me.

I left the house and outside were friends from work that the step-mother hadn't talked to yet, and they assured me that I'd be fine in the end- even without BJ. I was relieved that I had at least a few people that believed in me.

Then the step-mother came outside and convinced my work friends of what a horrible person I was. She then directed her awful diatribe to me, saying that she has told BJ from the beginning that he should leave me because I am always sick and I'm fat and now have turned stupid.

Finally, I found a shack on our property that I'd never seen before and went inside. Inside, were a bunch of people smoking crack and they seemed really nice. I told them that if they'd continue being nice to me, that I'd let them live in that shack for free. They agreed.

I guess it's easy being nice to a horrible person if you get to smoke crack in their house for free.

The dream ended with me walking outside and there was nobody around except BJ and his step-mother. He saw me come out of the house and turned his back on me and walked off. His step-mother just stayed there staring at me with a big evil smile.

The end.

Happy Mothers day!