BJ is gone on a business trip tonight, so I've had some time on my hands. I've been looking over my "searching for roots" category and have done a lot of thinking about the journey I've taken this year. I am amazed at what a journey it's been.

I'm going to post something that is a little scary for me because I know some of my birth father's family read my blog. Hopefully, they know what I'm about and know that my first concern is to do no harm. Even so, I must be true to myself and that's what this blog is all about. I write to know what I feel and I'm feeling some very powerful feelings right now.

I've been searching off and on for the past 20 years or so for my birth father. To be honest, I was hoping for answers as to why he chose to not be a part of my life. It's hard for me to comprehend being half of someones genes and not wanting to know how they were or what type of person they grew to be. I look at my two sons and cannot imagine having a day, sometimes even an hour go by and not think about them.

Part of me thinks it's because I'm a mother. I believe that mothers are inherently programmed to protect and look after their children. Maybe it's the nine months they were one with that child. Fathers don't have the benefit of living with another life, feeling that life move inside of them.

I never imagined that once I found my father he'd be dead. I can honestly say that I never really visualized that moment that we'd meet face-to-face, and I'm not sure how I'd feel if I'd of been given that opportunity. I know without a doubt that anger would not be part of the flurry of emotions. Fear might have been in place. "Did I meet up to his expectations? Did I accomplish enough? "Does he see parts of my mother in me that made him leave? Will he leave me again?" All of these fears constantly circled in my head every time I made a concerted effort to continue my search, and it made me afraid to pursue as hard as I could have.

As a believer that all things happen as they are meant to happen, I know that it was not in the cards for me to ever meet my father. In the same light, I know that I was meant to have the dad I was blessed with- the man my mother married when I was five. I believe my dad taught me a lot about how to view life. My dad has what I like to call a quiet sense of humor. He's not boisterous, nor does he strive to be the center of attention- but he's damned funny. My dad can have me on the floor with just one sentence. The thing is, you have to pay attention, or you'll miss it.

I can't help but be a little sad that I never met the man that was half responsible for bringing me into this world. I've learned a lot about my father from his family- my family- since July. I've learned that he was extremely smart, very sensitive and had a quick wit. He was also very handsome. Except for the handsome bit (no woman wants to be known as handsome!), I possess many of his traits. Nobody has described him this way, but I suspect he was just as passionate as I am. Like me, he seemed to like to dabble in lots of different things and succeeded in anything he tried.

This picture is of me at the same age as my father was in his picture above. I don't know why this is so important to me, but I would have liked to know that he was proud of me. I take such pride in my children and would like to think that if he knew me, he'd be proud of me. Since he is no longer alive, it's enough to know that my grandmother- his mother, is proud of me. I love hearing her say that I am like him because I know how much she loved him.

I am a little sad that I have not been able to create a relationship between his other daughters- my two sisters. Maybe one day we'll try a little harder to bridge that gap. Until then, I'm happy with the relationships that I have built thus far.

I want so badly to feel his presence just as I feel other family members that have passed on. But I don't. I'm sure it's because I wouldn't recognize him, and that makes me sad. I know about him, but I don't know him.

It's been a big year for me; one I never really thought I'd have the opportunity to live. I know without a doubt that the timing of all of this was right and I have much to be grateful for. Maybe one day I will have the opportunity to meet my father after I've left this world. If I do, I'll want him to know that I have no regrets and I hope that he doesn't either.

My life is as it was supposed to be.