Today was the first day of Hospice training. Even though I've done this before, I have to go through training all over again. That's OK, it never hurts to get a refresher. Prior to getting into the whole training piece, we were asked to think of a person who's spirit you'd like to have with you today. He said that that person could be alive or have passed on. The trainer lit a candle and turned off the lights and played a beautiful piece of music. My immediate thoughts went to my friend with cancer. I decided that I wanted to have her spirit with me today.

I did call her yesterday, but it was really difficult for me to pick up the phone. I'm glad that I called her, but the voice on the other end wasn't the voice I was used to hearing. I could hear that she was exhausted. I knew it wouldn't be one of those laughing types of conversations that I'm used to having with her. I'm glad that she didn't even try to pretend to have energy for me. She hasn't been able to eat for almost three weeks, so has a feeding tube. I kept the conversation brief, told her that I was thinking about her and wanted her to know that. She said she'd call me when she's back to work so we can reschedule that lunch date. I dunno.... I got a sinking feeling that this time she wouldn't be back to work. I don't know how she's made it this far. People generally don't survive ovarian cancer, especially if it's metastisized. I don't have that much of a survival instinct. I couldn't do that many years of chemo. That phone call made me very sad. But I'm glad that I did it.

So, back to the epiphany. I was sitting in the dark thinking about my friend. I kept wondering to myself why on earth it was so hard for me to reach out to her, when I'm perfectly able to do it with strangers. I'm not afraid of death or people who are dying. That's why I joined Hospice in the first place. This is something that I can do, that not many people can. When I'm with a Hospice family, I give them everything I have. It comes very easily to me. When I made my living as a singer, I wasn't nervous singing in front of perfect strangers. Didn't matter how many people were in the audience. People I know ask me to sing for them, and I flat out won't do it. The very idea petrifies me.

So, there's the pattern. It's all about making it personal. Now what?