I needed to contact family and friends so they didn't read about it first in my blog.

I finally got in touch with my doctor and was told that I have a cancerous looking lesion in my left breast. It's close to the pectoralis muscle and is 1.2 x .9 x .9 cm and in the 9 o'clock position. It's cancerous looking because it lit up when they introduced the contrast.

Now, this isn't necessarily cancer, so I'm having an ultrasound assisted core needle biopsy at 9am on Monday, Dec. 1st. Coincidently, that is the same day I find out about my job disposition.

Hoosa, what a day that's going to be. I guess the bright side to that day is that Dec 1st is also my friend Annie's birthday! Now THAT's something to celebrate!

Still no word on BJ's job situation. I *think* we'll find out by the end of this week.

As for me, I can feel stuff bubbling under the surface. Yesterday I had a full-on panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath for what seemed like forever. Eventually, I calmed myself but it was very uncomfortable and just came on for no reason (well, yeah, there was a reason- but nothing happened at that moment to bring it on). That's scary to me that I can't predict it or plan for it. (wow, am I a control freak or what? I want to PLAN for a panic attack?)

I'm thankful that the oven repair guy is coming today to fix my oven (that's what she said...). That gave me a great excuse to work from home. I fully believe that I'll be in a better head space and more able to predict and control my emotions next week so will feel comfortable going into the office. If not, I might call my neuro and see if we can adjust my meds temporarily. Between the panic attacks and the nightly wandering, it might be warranted.

I'm also thankful for two very special friends who have gone through this waiting, got the worst news, and came through it on the other side. Thanks for your email and support gals. And thanks for the information.

I'm hoping that Lucy (that's my left breast) is just being a drama queen as usual and things will turn out fine. If not, well, gosh I've been through so much in my 48 years and have come through it all shining- so why would this be any different?

I have made a habit of comparing "this" (whatever this is at the time) to the worst time in my entire life, just to prove to myself that I *will* get through whatever "this" is. It's been a good method of putting things in perspective for me. I suppose the thing I always compare stuff to might be replaced by what's going on right now if we both lose our jobs and I do find out that I have cancer. Even so, I have no doubt that we (BJ and I) will get through it because BJ and I make each other stronger and we have a knack for making each other feel safe and secure.

I know that as long as I have my family (which includes BJ) and my friends it's going to be OK. I feel blessed and comforted by all the support systems I seem to have generated over my lifetime.

This weekend, I plan to play laser tag with my boys. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the perfect day to me.