<![CDATA[Mostly Risible]]>

<![CDATA[Mostly Risible]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/index/ en Thu, 17 May 2012 14:55:00 -0400 <![CDATA[I’m posting again!]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/im_posting_again/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/im_posting_again/#1773
This quote came across my RSS feeds today:

There are people who always seem to look for conflicts. If you meet them, walk away. The battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is within themselves.

I tried to find the author of this quote, but couldn't. Instead, I found this article which I think was a good read: Dealing with Difficult People

I especially liked the lead in:

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

I'm learning that this is a great opportunity to practice my "just walk away from it" skills in my new toolbox. Conflict addicts will find a way to be angry whether you ignore or engage. There's really not a whole lot I can do to change someone else's behavior or feelings. My part is to apologize if I've done something wrong. If that's not good enough, then it's time to disengage. Set phasers to IGNORE. (ha- that there was a Star Trek reference if you aren't aware... )

It's really that simple. Who knew?

I particularly loved this quote from the article:

Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

That right there, wraps up exactly why I feel anxiety when I'm around negative/dishonest people. I felt like it was my responsibility to be nice and let people do what they wanted- even if it was not in my best interest. Even when it felt that they were abusive. My soul knew better. This is my final frontier (ha! another Star Trek reference) in therapy.

Once I decided that I don't have to spend time with conflict addicts, life got a whole lot easier. I still have some work to do in that area, which includes setting phasers to IGNORE on boundary crossers, but the more I practice, the easier it becomes.

My therapist told me I’m like a beacon to conflict addicts and boundary crossers, simply because of who I am. This is why perfect strangers want to tell me their life story within seconds of meeting them. This is why it takes me so long to get errands done- I'm constantly stopped by strangers who want me to listen to them. Mostly they're just well-meaning people who just see a friendly face. Until I learn to dim my light (create a force-field is what my therapist calls it) around these people, I will continually attract them.

.... but I don't have to engage. It's not my job.

This self-care stuff is showing me the beauty of peace, and that it's up to me to ensure my OWN peaceful existence.

Mantra for the day: Chase the peace. ]]> Thu, 17 May 2012 14:55:00 -0400 <![CDATA[I’m such a liar]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/im_such_a_liar/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/im_such_a_liar/#1772
Quote Of The Day

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Indeed....]]> Wed, 16 May 2012 23:00:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Probably my last post]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/probably_my_last_post/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/probably_my_last_post/#1771
Again- if you are interested in breaking into my home, don't bother. We've hired a house-sitter AND we have an alarm system (not just a barking dog!)

It still doesn't seem real to me. I remember when I went to Italy, it didn't seem real either. Even while I was there. I remember seeing fireflies for the first time and thinking, "eh- I've seen these on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland". It just never really seemed real.

I'm glad I kept a travel log, because I've forgotten most of our vacation there. I plan to do the same for this trip.

Be warned! Lots of words and pictures!

I'm glad that it will be cooler in the UK (high 50's, low 60's baby!) because I don't tolerate heat very well. Fainting season has arrived. I've had four near misses over the past week, and it's reminded me that I need to start drinking more electrolytes and eat more salt. I'm glad I won't have to worry about that on vacation. My biggest worry will be....... NOTHING.

I've had several months of working WAY too many hours and several weeks of situational anxiety (on top of the anxiety that comes naturally to me- heh). All situations leading to the anxiety seem to have cleared, the project ruling my life is now in review, and life has wrapped itself into a nice little bow.....right in time for vacation.

I've told all of my clients that I will NOT be taking my cellphone with me, nor will I be checking "work" email while I'm gone. 17 days of no client communication and I'm not worried in the least. I've worked hard to get to where I am today, and I deserve some "me" time. The benefit of being me is that when I'm gone from work, it's VERY apparent. In my case, absence always makes my client's heart grow fonder. ::Giggle::

All systems are a go for a relaxing and renewing vacation, and more money to be made when I get back. I couldn't be more thankful. ]]> Wed, 16 May 2012 13:01:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Thank you President Obama!]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/thank_you_president_obama/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/thank_you_president_obama/#1770
George Takei (love him!) said it best on his blog:

We cannot say we are a nation that stands for equality, while in the same breath denying basic rights of happiness, financial parity, and state-recognized companionship to millions.

I give that a big standing ovation. Bravo!

While I'm at it- a big fat BOOOOOOO to North Carolina. Come on people! Do you really think same-sex marriage will ruin our society? I'd be more worried about how lightly hetero couples take their vows. I ran across this while reading the celebrations around the Internet. It's sad that I've heard most of these things while having discussions with friends who do not like the idea of same-sex marriage. Yes, I can be friends with people who do not have the same belief system I do, but I ask them to be respectful about this topic around me. It's one of a handful of things that push my buttons so it's best if we agree to disagree and not discuss again once I learn their beliefs on this topic. I'm not out to convince anyone of my views, but I will not remain silent if someone is disrespectful.

Anyhoo- for your reading pleasure:

Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester and air conditioning.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ would be destroyed.

The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 13:14:00 -0400 <![CDATA[QOTD]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/qotd6/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/qotd6/#1769

Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you.

I like this quote because it pretty much sums up one of my beliefs-- everything that happens to you can and should be a learning experience. Good or bad, but I'm thinking in the context of bad in this post. Thank the bad people and bad experiences for giving you that learning experience which allowed you to grow. Don't hang on to anger- - let it go. FORGIVE (but don't forget, otherwise there goes your learning experience....)

Bad things happen. Bad people happen. I do not believe they happen 'for a reason'. I hate that this is promoted so much because it has the potential to make people feel that they deserved whatever happened in a way- - fate or otherwise. That's so unfair.

"Bubba shot his brother Joe, but everything happens for a reason!"
"Your mother died in a car accident while getting you milk for your breakfast, but everything happens for a reason!"

....even better, imagine "everything happens for a reason" in a sing-songy voice. That's pretty much how I hear it.

I do believe that you can make anything that has happened to you a learning experience though, and that's what I look for whenever something bad happens. What can I learn from it to make me a better person? Sometimes it takes the rear-view mirror to figure it out, but I always do.

I've learned SO MUCH the past few months that I feel that my head is going to explode (in a good way)! "This" may not be quite over yet, but I've learned so much that I do not fear the future like I did when the "messy" started up. I used to be afraid to say "bring it on!", but now I say it with passion because of the wonderful growth spurt I've had. I like how that feels.

So- BRING ON THE LESSONS! I'm an eager student.

EDITED TO ADD:

WOW-WOW-WOW! Talk about synchronicity! I wrote this post early this morning and just saw this from Oprah:

Today's Thank You Game challenge is to thank someone who taught you something. (http://on.fb.me/ThankYouGame)

There are very few life experiences that don't hold a teachable moment. If you care to look beneath the surface of appearances, you'll most likely find an "aha" or two. The greatest learning for me usually happens in times of distress, pain, suffering. So I would like to thank the people who've brought me those dark moments, when I felt most wounded, or betrayed. You have been my greatest teachers. Thank you.

Maya Angelou many years ago shared this profound wisdom: "When people show you who they are believe them; the first time."

Now, I do.

Oprah

Just. Wow.
]]> Wed, 09 May 2012 13:33:00 -0400 <![CDATA[I love taking Monday’s off]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/i_love_taking_mondays_off/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/i_love_taking_mondays_off/#1768
....it's good to be self-employed! I get to make up my own rules and schedule in addition to being able to work next to a snoring puppy whilst wearing yoga pants and a hoodie. S#1, can I get an AMEN on that?

Anyway, yesterday was FAB-U-LOUS. I took Einstein to doggy day care in the a.m. (it was housekeeper day, and too hot to leave him in the car while I ran errands), and headed off to hunt and gather for our trip to the UK.

Now that I've finished developing that huge program I am working on for "Big Fish", I'm starting to get excited for our trip and I'm starting to make lists. You know when it's serious, people, when I start making lists.

Oh, how I love my lists! I have electronic lists everywhere- - on my iPad, iPhone and my laptop. Checking a box isn't nearly as satisfying as a paper list where I can see the stuff that I've lined through, but it's a heckuva lot more convenient because I have my lists wherever I go and they are all synced together. Cross off one list and it's crossed off my other devices.

Efficient really should be my middle name.......

Anywhocares, I bought a "couple" of things that I really don't need- but I'm OK with that because I don't buy new clothes for myself very often anymore. Einstein couldn't care less what I wear, just like most every other guy on the planet.

More rain gear (can never have enough of that here in our rainy state!)

More outer wear with pockets (like sweaters, hoodies)

A new travel bag for all of my gadgets. I usually use a backpack, but I really like this thing. It has all the right compartments.

Neck pillows

International AC/DC plugs

Travel sized stuff (hair spray, etc.)

Protein bars (for when I'm wandering around and don't want to take the time to eat)

GOOD walking shoes with GORE-TEX. I won't even be tempted to take my Converse kicks with me. I still can't walk far on my fankle unless I have supportive shoes with my custom-made orthotics, and I plan to do a LOT of walking.

Our EU Phones have arrived (yay!), so now I don't have to worry about being out of touch with The Hubs while he's golfing and I'm roaming around Scotland by myself.

I *LOVE* wandering around by myself, and usually find that this is my favorite part of any trip. I am able to do what I want, when I want- enabling me to stop and smell the flowers (or meet some really cute 90 year old Scottish man somewhere! ha ha- I always meet old men on my treks and love every minute of it.) Wandering around with the Hubs is my second favorite thing to do. He likes schedules just about as much as I do (that would be NOT AT ALL.) Get up when we want and go where we feel like at.that.moment., with no plans unless we absolutely have to.

Great day in therapy yesterday. Have I mentioned I really like my therapist? Whether it's part of being a therapist or who she actually is, we seem to have the same values and spiritual leanings. That's really cool because I can talk about how I REALLY think and feel and I feel validated. This also allows me to be open about my thoughts on life- why I'm here, and why I feel that I'm offered opportunities to grow. It's fun to talk with a like-minded person (even if she's just pretending, but I don't think she is because of some of the things she's shared with me.....).

I was given an opportunity last weekend to practice what I've been learning in therapy. What's awesome is that I'm starting to really recognize learning opportunities for what they are early on- at least the boundary issue lessons (dealing with people who don’t understand proper boundaries)- and turn it into a valuable experience. I'm almost excited for the practice. *Almost*

My therapist told me yesterday that I've made a remarkable recovery from EVERYTHING. Like me, she believes that we're born with certain traits and I was given some really great gifts. I still have some loose ends to tie up and my therapist can tell you that I am intent on getting.the.work.done. Therapy is work, if you do it right, not just yacking at someone and paying that other person to listen. I'd like to think that this is my last rodeo in a therapist's chair, but I'm not that naive. I have too much "stuff" and too many layers that will continue to bubble up given the right circumstances.

Or.... maybe after I've done the work, I'll be able to retire those damned layers and call it good. ]]> Tue, 08 May 2012 12:55:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Awesome therapy appointment today]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/awesome_therapy_appointment_today/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/awesome_therapy_appointment_today/#1767
I'm so fortunate to have found that therapist. She's one of two therapists I've had in my life that I feel have helped me really dig deep and grow. I feel so excited for my future and blessed that I have the right support system around me.

I think the biggest epiphany I've had in a very long time happened today. Actually, I had two- one that I'll share openly and one that I'll share in my private blog, out of respect for the person who is the subject of one of those epiphanies.

As I've mentioned about a million times, I have very low self-esteem. Therapy has helped me understand why I place such a low value on myself, and eventually therapy will help me be OK with who I am.

I've been in controlling relationships all of my life. The list of controllers is long, and thankfully doesn't include The Hubs. I'm so grateful that I met him AFTER a good amount of therapy, keeping me from continuing down that destructive path. I've been in relationships where I was the sole money earner and was not allowed to have any access to our bank accounts and was given an allowance for bus money (cash in an envelope), with the instructions that if I spent it on something else, I'd have to either stay home from work or find a ride.

Hard to imagine, isn't it?

I give that as an example just to show how extreme the control was. In this same relationship and others, I was told how to act, what I could and could not talk about, how to dress and all kinds of other minutiae. I was used to this sort of control due to some of the "layers", so I didn't really know any better.

In talking about the other "light bulb moment", I mentioned that it's frustrating that The Hubs never gives me any feedback. For example, "tell me what I can do to be a better wife" has been a frequent topic in the household. Not because he did anything to make me feel that I wasn't good enough, but because I was used to being told how to 'be'.

Not being told how to 'be' has caused me a lot of anxiety at times. I couldn't fathom how I could possibly be the perfect wife if he won't tell me what to do.

That may seem really ridiculous to most, but years and years of control will do that to a person. It was all I knew.

Being single was great, because I didn't have to worry about pleasing anyone. Then I met The Hubs and was ready to give up "living to please myself" up for good because he was such a great guy. Eight years of marriage and he still hasn't given me any instructions on how to be a good wife.

I asked my therapist, is it possible that it's just as simple as 'He's happy with who I am and doesn't want to change me'? That maybe he likes me just as I am?

She looked at me like I had four heads and said, "Yes, Lori, it actually IS that simple."

I leaned back in the chair and took that in for a moment. I'm still twirling it around in my head, actually.

In therapy, I've learned that when your childhood is tumultuous, you grow up thinking that's "normal". Unless you get counseling, you will find yourself in relationships that recreate the drama because that's where your comfort zone is. Abused children often go on to live in a household of abuse as either the perpetrator or recipient. I chose to be the recipient for many, many years.

I shared my light bulb moment with The Hubs and he also said, "Yes, it's just that simple". I think sharing this knowledge with him was really helpful for him as well. He had a completely different childhood experience than I had, and I think this gave him a little insight that he didn't have before.

This little nugget of information is a little bit mind-blowing to me. I can't begin to say how mind-blowing it is.

The other epiphany was equally "big". We talked about the role I've been pigeonholed in since I was very young. "The Fixer". The ruffled feather "smoother". The peacemaker.

I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was asked more than once to write letters to someone's spouse to make them feel better about themselves, even though I did nothing wrong. I agreed to it out of love and the desire to alleviate strife in their relationship. This isn't the only relationship in which I was asked to do this sort of thing.
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Knowing the pathology behind my thoughts and behavior is a good start. Now I need to turn my back on 52 years of behavior, and start practicing self-care by acknowledging who does and who does not deserve to have a relationship with me. Additionally, I need to stop allowing people to manipulate me.

I suppose the short solution is to say that people who live out their lives by manipulating others are on the short list of people who don't deserve to be in a relationship with me.

It really is as simple as that.
.
.]]> Tue, 01 May 2012 00:53:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Getting excited!]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/getting_excited/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/getting_excited/#1766
....lest you be a burgler and know where I live, you're out of luck. We've hired a house/puppy sitter.

Just a few days ago, I was DREADING the idea of our vacation (can you even imagine?), because I have a huge project I've been working on for one of my big clients (I refer to then as 'Big Fish') and it's supposed to roll out in June. Between S1 and I, we've developed 11 e-learning courses over the past 7 months for this program. I wrote the content for 8 of those courses, and S1 and I worked on the graphics and interactive programming. The other three courses had content provided to us (not in any sort of logical order) and S1 took full responsibility for those.

I'm so glad I hired S1. He's doing so well. I'm pretty sure he likes the gig too because he works from home 99% of the time, and when he comes here he's fed well.

I might need to clone him if 2013 shapes up to be what I think it will....

I wish that my client had experience with eLearning development so they could truly know how miraculous it is for us to pump out that amount of work in such a short time. In addition to that, we've been working other clients (mainly S#1) and Big Fish continued to throw other projects over the fence to me.

So, as I got closer and closer to vacation time, I was really worried that I wouldn't get all the courses done and I'd spend my vacation dwelling on it. I have about 16 hours more work to do to get all of them out for review, so NOW I can start getting excited about vacation.

That project, plus the messy, pushed me to my absolute limit. I'm not positive, but I think the last four months have probably been the most stressful of any situation I've been in. What I realize is that I didn't need to let it affect me like it did. I could have walked away from either situation, but I chose not to. Therefore, I take full responsibility for the stress I caused myself.

There is an upside to the situation(s), so I'm glad I didn't walk away.

For starters, it's just one (or two) more things I can add to the list of "if I can get through that, then I can certainly get through [whatever is stressing me at the time]". It also got me in therapy, which has been something I've been meaning to "get around to" for a couple of years. I've been able to resolve and lay to rest something that took up too much real estate in my head, along with working on new life skills to deal with people who don't seem to have a clue.

I've also learned a really good lesson about pleasing a client over my own best interest and I'll be more careful about what I promise in the future. My clients LOVE me and continually ask me if I really have to retire in 2015. I smooth their feathers by letting then know that S#1 is coming along very well in the cloning department and he'll be fully capable of taking over the business when I'm gone. I don't think I need to kill myself to prove my worth to them, so I'm going to be a little kinder to myself.

Now that I'm feeling better about where I'm at with my projects, I'm starting to get really excited about crossing off a couple of places from my list. I can also start getting ready. I bought two international cellphones today (a business write off!), and I just might do a bit of shopping next weekend for new duds. Squee!!!]]> Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:57:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Happy anniversary, sweet man]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/happy_anniversary_sweet_man/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/happy_anniversary_sweet_man/#1765
It's been a wild ride the past five years, but I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather have by my side. Thank you for being such an amazing partner.

....our wedding song sure fits, doesn't it? ♥

]]> Tue, 24 Apr 2012 18:21:00 -0400 <![CDATA[It’s a dadgum miracle!]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/its_a_dadgum_miracle/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/its_a_dadgum_miracle/#1764
I'm afraid to write this "out loud" because I've written this before, only to have it show up again.

This time I'm crossing my fingers that it won't. ::hopeful::]]> Tue, 24 Apr 2012 16:45:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Let’s talk about my shoulder, shall we?]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/lets_talk_about_my_shoulder_shall_we/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/lets_talk_about_my_shoulder_shall_we/#1763
But I was wrong. Every day the pain got a little worse, and now I'm back to square one again.

I'm always referencing "Flowers for Algernon"- and I'm going to do it again. Having a taste of no pain and then having it return is just wrong.

It's not like I haven't been trying to make it better. I was in physical therapy 2-3x a week, plus exercises at home. All that did was create cycles of "a little better and worse again".

I know I'm going to have to back down and have surgery, but I just don't have the time. It certainly will have to wait until we're back from our Scotland/Ireland trip, because I don't have time to heal from surgery before we go.

Platelet-rich plasma therapy is still on the table, but I have to wait another three weeks. That's going to cost me at least 2k, since insurance won't pay for it. On top of that, there's absolutely no guarantee it will work.

Meh and Feh.

I mentioned my shoulder pain in therapy yesterday because it was very clear that I wasn't feeling well. My therapist said that I need to get a new doctor- one who will prescribe the appropriate level of pain meds. My doctor is giving me the lowest level possible, even though I'm not abusing drugs and do not seek drugs from other doctors. Every time I ask for a refill, I have to give her a plan for what I'm going to do next to fix my shoulder. It's so irritating.

On one hand, I understand why doctors are cautious about prescribing pain medication, but this is ridiculous. I've signed a long-term pain medication agreement (because of my jaw) and I've proven to her that I do not get pain prescriptions from anyone but her. The sports injury doctor was going to give me something stronger, but I told him he had to go through my primary care doctor for approval. She didn't approve it. She kept me on vicoden.

She's seen the MRI and she's seen the report from the sports injury doctor and the UW doctor- yet won't prescribe what is necessary to give me relief.

It's tiring to be in pain every.single.day. It's depressing. I refuse to bring everyone around me down, so I pretend it's OK when I'm not OK.

Again, I'm thankful for the 2007 head bonk which created a situation where I have to take heavy-duty medication to sleep. It knocks me out and I don't feel a thing at night. But then I wake up in the morning to a level 6-7 on the pain scale. Every day.

I'm tired of it. Maybe my therapist is right- it's time for a new doctor. ]]> Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:07:00 -0400 <![CDATA[I just spoke to “Loved One” v1]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/i_just_spoke_to_loved_one_v1/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/i_just_spoke_to_loved_one_v1/#1762
Wow. Wow. Wow. He sounds like version 1.0 again. I had tears in my eyes most of the conversation because I've missed *him* so very much. We have so many things in common, more than any other person I know, and I've missed just shooting the bull with him.

His community is starting to warm back up to him, which makes me feel so much better. He was the one who took care of everyone (remind you of anyone?), and I'm glad that they are reciprocating.

I *FIRMLY* believe, especially based on our conversation today, that 'crazy mushroom neighbor lady' slipped him something without his knowledge. I know for certain that he would never take any mind-altering drugs because we're the same in that we don't like to mess with our brains or alter our thinking ability.

I'm sad for him because now he's in a situation where he doesn't know what happened to him. One day he was V1, the next couple of months he was V2, and now he's back to V1. He's afraid of his thoughts and ideas because he's not sure if they are real. That breaks my heart because my loved one had an ego the size of Texas. I didn't mind his ego because he has the smarts to back it up. I want him to be too big for his britches again and I hope that happens sooner, rather than later. I hate to see him feel "broken". I know exactly how that feels.

I pray fervently that this was a one-time thing for him. It's going to be hard for him to recover from the damage this episode has caused, but if anyone can do it- he can. He's a fighter, just like me.

NOW, I feel that I can celebrate my birthday (that was 01/31). I haven't opened any cards (snail mail or otherwise) because I couldn't fathom the idea of celebrating anything while my loved one was suffering.

Happy birthday to me!]]> Fri, 13 Apr 2012 19:33:01 -0400 <![CDATA[QOTD]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/qotd5/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/qotd5/#1761 For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
~Author Unknown]]> Tue, 10 Apr 2012 21:11:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Therapy week seven?]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/therapy_week_seven/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/therapy_week_seven/#1760
The good news is that on my way to counseling, I thought, "Hmmmmm... what will I have to talk about?". Normally, I've built up so much "stuff", there just doesn't seem to be enough time to address it.

This means that it's time to start digging deeper. The idea excites me and scares me at the same time. It's exciting because I'd love to be able to change how I think about certain things. Scary because it brings up some pretty painful and, frankly, dark stuff. I don't like thinking about the dark stuff, but that doesn't mean it's not swirling around in one of the several boxes I have labeled as "storage" in my head.

Digging deep changes relationships. While that might be a good thing for me, it may be a horrible thing for someone else and I don't like that idea at all. I don't like the idea of hurting someone else just to heal myself.

Things have been quiet on the loved one front. I can't say whether that's good or bad. My loved one is starting to feel like a drug to me. Being away from the turmoil is good, but being away from him feels awful. I miss version 1.0 very, very much. I'm trying to live in the present though, so missing him does me no good. Also worrying about his future? Same thing. It does me no good. I cannot control anything.

I might have already quoted this, but I'm doing it again. It's a good one and perfect for my situation TODAY.

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.
~Leo Buscaglia

Today I feel joy. Yesterday and the day before that, I FELT JOY.

This doesn't mean that I think the "messy" is behind me. I'm not that naive. I've attended this rodeo before and know that working through the layers causes a lot of upheaval. I thought I was done with all of that, but my therapist said that I'll never be done with it. The layers affect me in different ways depending on what situation I'm thrown into at any given time.

Until I learn to live WITH the layers and not live trying to ignore them, I'll never be whole. Right now, I can't imagine living with the layers, so I have a few (thousand) miles to go.

In brighter news, my therapist is encouraging me to write a book. I've allowed her to read some of my 'darker' stuff and how I've walked through it all. She feels that if I come out with everything (scary idea) and write about my journey, I could potentially help a lot of people.

I like that idea; helping other people walk through it. I'm just not sure I'm ready to publicly come out with it all. ]]> Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:46:00 -0400 <![CDATA[Apologizing]]> http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/weblog/comments/apologizing/ http://www.mostlyrisible.com/index.php/title_permalink=site/apologizing/#1759
I told my therapist the things that I said and how I feel about all of this. She said that it sounds to her like I have a habit of apologizing to people for my very existence on this planet. I'm apologizing for simply being alive.

It took a while for that to really sink in.

Now that I can stand being in bed for a while after I wake up (shoulder is about 50% better), I'm back to meditating before I start my day. So this morning, I meditated and thought about this statement from my therapist.

She's right. This may be really, REALLY hard for anyone who has even a bit of self-esteem to understand, but I feel like I'm a burden to anyone who touches my life. This is why I write here, instead of talking to people about my 'junk'. I know that I'm not burdening anyone with my "stuff" because if you (the general you) are here reading, it's your choice. I didn't force my "stuff" on you.

I don't feel like I'm a burden when I do things for other people, which is why I tend to do a LOT for other people. I do things and give to people and it feels really good to me. It gives me a purpose to be on this planet. If I'm not giving, I feel that I have no purpose. Receiving is NOT something I'm comfortable with. When I say that I give without expectation of receiving, I mean it 100%. I don't even need a thank you note. Believe it or not, I momentarily feel bad when I receive a thank you note because I feel bad that I've placed the other person in the position of writing it.

How WRONG is that? I know it's wrong- and that's a step in the right direction.

At home, I don't feel like I have value unless I'm cooking, cleaning or bringing in money. Just being "me" has zero value in my head.

I need to end this in a positive note so I don't appear to be a complete Eeyore.

LOGICALLY, I know that none of these feelings have any merit. My therapist said that the zero-value I place on myself plus the abandonment issues I have are at the core of every thought I have and the core of how I "hear" others' words to me. She explained to me where all this came from and now it's our job (mostly mine) to change the thinking process and get rid of that cancer.

Ha- I just started apologizing (deleted it) to anyone and everyone who has had ACTUAL cancer for using the word cancer.

Hey- at least I caught myself, right? That's a big start.

I'm not Eeyore most of the time (on the outside.) It's a whole lot of effort sometimes to pretend that everything is light and sunny at home, but I do it because I think it's important to protect The Hubs from the true depth of some of the feelings that bubble up. He didn't cause it, so he shouldn't have to deal with it.

Eventually, I hope I'll to pretending less and less and live authentically in my own home. ]]> Wed, 04 Apr 2012 14:07:00 -0400