I had planned to work all weekend because I have a HUGE project I'll need to start on next week. I need to finish two training projects before that project and my plan was to tie it all up this weekend.

Do you think I can concentrate? That'd be a big fat NO. I've only been able to work on my project in bits and pieces because my brain is so jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I've been composing a letter with pictures to my grandmother and plan to mail that off on Monday or Tuesday. I've also been talking to my sister and husband, and a bit to my mother about it. But mostly I've just been trying to process the whole thing in my head.

Being the internet sleuth that I am, I tracked down my half-sister's phone number even though it appears to be unlisted. I called her late this afternoon and we had a wonderful chat. I felt comfortable with her instantly and I think she felt the same way. I can imagine being called by someone you barely knew existed would be quite a shock, but she was so gracious about it. She said she didn't know I existed until my aunt told her about me right after my b-fathers funeral.

We are almost exactly two years apart, with our birthdays being only 4 days from each other. The other half-sister is four years younger than me.

We verbally compared our features over the phone. The youngest sister and I both have dark curly hair just like my b-father. This sister has lighter brown straight hair. They have blue eyes, and I have green eyes. My b-father had blue eyes. She said that the younger sister has a son that looks just like my b-father. I have a son that looks like my b-father. It'll be interesting to compare their pictures.

I've been so curious about the father I never knew, but I've also been curious about rest of the family. It looks like I'll get the opportunity to get to know them and add them to the people I call family.

It's funny.... I used to feel guilty about wanting to track down my b-father. I felt like it was being disloyal to my dad. Now I have the same feelings about connecting with my half-sisters because it feels sort of disloyal to my sister and brothers. I know that they understand and would do the same thing in my shoes. It's not like I'm trying to replace them. Everyone who reads my blog knows how much I adore my siblings.

I've sent off an email full of pictures and links to my half-sister. I'm looking forward so seeing the information she sends me.

Can I say it again?

WOW.

(going back to work now)

My half-sister (sheesh, I really hate that term. I'm going to have to figure out something else!) emailed two messages to me today; one with pictures of herself and her family. She has a beautiful family. The pictures weren't very close up, and so I strained and strained to see some sort of resemblence. I didn't see anything familiar, but I did see very friendly faces.

She told me about her family, what the kids are doing and what she likes to do. That was really great to read and it helped to get to know her a little better. She seems like a really, really nice person.

The other email told me more about our father and she included lots of pictures of him. The first picture I opened, I could have sworn was my oldest son. It literally stunned me. He even had a goatee and sideburns in the picture just like my son has now. I scoured over each picture and with each picture I could see that he looked like a really fun and, more importantly, a nice man.

My cousin K1 was right when he wrote to me after looking at an old photo, "Look into his eyes in that photo... you can tell a lot about him just by studying that photo."

She told me more about our father that made me very wistful. Everything I'd been told all my life was a lie. I believe every word she wrote to me. I've asked her if I can share parts of her email here on my blog, and I will wait until I receive permission from her. Even though I didn't know this man, I'm starting to feel pride in the fact that I share in this gene pool. He's the type of person I'd be drawn to; passionate, kind and funny.

At the same time, I feel sad that I never had the opportunity to learn these things about him for myself. This is where the upside-down title comes from. I used to not care about the fact that I didn't know him, because of what I was lead to believe. Now I wish I'd of known him because of what I'm learning. It's difficult to rationalize how I'm feeling. I suppose feelings aren't supposed to be rational, right?

I'm afraid that you all are going to have to bear with me for a while while I sort through all of this.

On another note, I have another HOLY COW I'll be sharing in a few days. I'm waiting until announcements have been made to the appropriate parties before I blog about it.

...and no, I'm not pregnant.

(here we go again, Lori is feeling guilty about having feelings...)

If my mother knew what I was starting to *feel* about my b-father, she'd quickly remind me that he deserted me and then spew out the bad things that she spewed the night I found out that he was dead. I don't know what happened between the two of them and I can understand why my mother would be angry with my father. My mother has told me stories of not having enough money to feed both of us, so she fed me. Or we'd share a can of food (whatever that food would have been.) I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and think of how I'd feel. I'm very sure I'd of given up the anger after 45 years, but it's not my place to judge someones feelings.

Then again, I was virtually placed in the same situation when my ex-husband left me. It was sudden and I didn't receive child support. I've never told my boys anything bad about their dad. He's the one who was dumb enough to tell them that he had affairs. I never did. When their dad wiped his hands of them because they were KIDS, I was the one who bridged the gap between them. I didn't particularly like my ex-husband after the divorce, but I wasn't going to share my feelings with his children. I honestly believe that if I hadn't of bridged that gap, they may still be estranged.

I'm sure I worked so hard to do this because of my own situation, but still.

I'm feeling disloyal to my mother by even entertaining the thought that my father was a good man. I believe what my half-sister has told me about him. I believe what my aunt told me about him.

..yet I feel guilty about believing it.

I want to know more about this 'new' family. I really LIKE them. I spoke with my other half-sister today and we laughed like we were old friends. I feel very comfortable with all of the people in my fathers family that I've talked to so far.

...yet I feel guilty about wanting more of it.

I need to turn my feelings off for a little while. Too bad there's not a switch, because I'm on overload.

Remember the HOLY COW I said I'd be sharing in a few days? Well, fasten your seat belts and put on your helmets because here comes another roller coaster!

My sister is adopted. She was with a foster family for six months before she came to live with us and her name was Dawn (she was renamed when she became a member of our family).

I remember very clearly the day she was brought home. I didn't want ANYTHING to do with her. I was nine at the time, was the only girl child in the house and wasn't too keen on giving up my special status. Even though my school was only one block from our house, it took me a good 45 minutes to get home. I put off meeting this 'intruder' as long as I possibly could. As soon as I saw my new sister, I didn't care about any stinkin' status. I immediately fell in love with her and have loved her to infinity ever since.

My sister and I have a very unique and special bond. I dare say that our bond is closer than any set of sisters I've ever known. As mentioned in a post some time ago, this bond comes from circumstances that are beyond the norm. Beyond being close, some people think that we've taken on each others features. When either of us introduces each other to someone, we always hear, "I can tell that you're sisters. You guys look alike". Really, neither of us see what other people are seeing. We don't think we look at all alike, but that comparison has always made us giggle. We do not share a single solitary gene, or even the same nationality for that matter. Someone once even commented that we even have our own "language" like twins often have.

Do you get the drift? We're tight.

As you know, I've recently found my b-father's family. Exactly a week ago, as a matter of fact. This spurred my sister into wanting to finally trace her roots. All she had to do was give the word and I was on it like white on rice. The wonderful lady who connected me with the information about my b-father's family gave us the name of an adoption records researcher. The two worked hand in hand and not only came up with my sister's adoption records, but even told her where her b-parents are now living along with a phone number.

Here's the kicker. OK, there are several kickers. Her b-parents were not married at the time she was born, but ended up getting married three years later and had three sons. My sister has three fully biological brothers and it appears that her b-parents are still married!

The wonderful woman who found my my sister's adoption records told sis that her b-mother named her Dawn. I always assumed that this is what her foster family named her. I really liked what she had to say to my sis about the fact that her b-mother named her: "I hope she likes her name (Dawn). I always think that when a birthmother names a child that she doesn't really want to give her up. Some are just named "Baby Girl Jones" or whatever..."

What a wonderfully nice thing to tell her. I can't help but believe it's true.

My sis isn't ready to make contact with her b-family and I can totally respect that. I suspect that there will come a day that she will want to make contact and I've offered (and she's accepted) to make the initial phone calls on her behalf.

So, to explain the title of the post. My sis was told that she was half Mexican (from Mexico!) and half North European. Turns out that she's half Jewish (that's the J.A.P. title comes from - Jewish American Princess) and half Spanish, as in Spain. I find the Jewish half to be rather ironic since our last name is German, but is often confused for being Jewish.

So, there's the big news. I'm so glad that we're going to experience this roller coaster together. That's just how it should be. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that we were meant to be sisters in the grand scheme of things. How we got to be sisters is just a minor detail.

I'll be posting this link in my side bar to the woman (Jan) who researched the adoption records for my sis.



She turned the information around in less than an hour. Jan and Shelle (the woman who gave us all the information we needed to contact our birth-families) are angels. They truly are.

And sis? I love you beyond anything you could ever imagine. I'm so happy for you.

Jan Bowyer has been involved in adoption research in California for 15 years now; she helps people find their adopted children or adopted siblings, and has access to the birth records from 1949 thru 1991. She is a licensed researcher, certified paralegal and member of the American Adoption Congress. Fees are affordable.

Her e-mail address is: .