(here we go again, Lori is feeling guilty about having feelings...)

If my mother knew what I was starting to *feel* about my b-father, she'd quickly remind me that he deserted me and then spew out the bad things that she spewed the night I found out that he was dead. I don't know what happened between the two of them and I can understand why my mother would be angry with my father. My mother has told me stories of not having enough money to feed both of us, so she fed me. Or we'd share a can of food (whatever that food would have been.) I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and think of how I'd feel. I'm very sure I'd of given up the anger after 45 years, but it's not my place to judge someones feelings.

Then again, I was virtually placed in the same situation when my ex-husband left me. It was sudden and I didn't receive child support. I've never told my boys anything bad about their dad. He's the one who was dumb enough to tell them that he had affairs. I never did. When their dad wiped his hands of them because they were KIDS, I was the one who bridged the gap between them. I didn't particularly like my ex-husband after the divorce, but I wasn't going to share my feelings with his children. I honestly believe that if I hadn't of bridged that gap, they may still be estranged.

I'm sure I worked so hard to do this because of my own situation, but still.

I'm feeling disloyal to my mother by even entertaining the thought that my father was a good man. I believe what my half-sister has told me about him. I believe what my aunt told me about him.

..yet I feel guilty about believing it.

I want to know more about this 'new' family. I really LIKE them. I spoke with my other half-sister today and we laughed like we were old friends. I feel very comfortable with all of the people in my fathers family that I've talked to so far.

...yet I feel guilty about wanting more of it.

I need to turn my feelings off for a little while. Too bad there's not a switch, because I'm on overload.