My husband and I went to see my parents this weekend. He hasn't seen them since Christmas, and he wasn't even their son-in-law at that time. Lot's has happened since we have seen them (ummm, marriage for one). The drive to the coast is lovely and we chose a really cool place to stay.

I've had a long history of issues with my mother. I'd say the most descriptive word I could choose for my mother is "judgmental". Maybe I can thank her for the fact that I'm so non-judgmental. Maybe I wouldn't be this person I am today if she weren't so judgmental.

In the beginning, the visit wasn't so bad. My husband is so great. He's definately the guy any parent would love to have their daughter marry. Great manners, never swears (in front of my parents anyway!), polite, laughs at everyone's jokes. Yep, he's pretty darned perfect. We met them for breakfast, not too many problems, except for the fact that my mother waited almost 20 minutes to get a box to place her leftover 1.5 pancakes for their dog.

My husband, dad and brother decided to watch college football. I took a nap (2 hours!) and my mother was on her computer making a flyer for church. Her printer was acting up, so she kept calling my dad in to help her. Even though it's something I could have figured out in no time at all, I didn't offer to help. She didn't ask, and frankly I didn't want to be alone in a room with her.

We had dinner and she did another one of her annoying things. She has a problem if someone doesn't like what she likes. She just doesn't get it that people have different tastes. Example: she likes grapes on her salad.

She asked my husband: Do you like grapes?
Husband:yes
Mom: You should put grapes on your salad like me
Husband: I don't think I'd like that
Mom: You should try it
Husband: That's ok
Mom: you won't know if you like it if you don't try it
Grrrrr

Election talk:

Mom: So, did you vote?
Me: No, but guess what? We're both democrats... we cancel out yours and dad's vote (I was joking... but...)
Mom: (huffy) Anybody who would vote for John Kerry is stupid
Me: Let's not talk politics Mom
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Everyone goes back to what they were doing before dinner. Boys watching football, me playing solitaire on my phone, Mom complaining that her computer isn't working.

My mother calls my dad in every 10 minutes or so to come help her. BJ is looking at me because he knows full well that I could fix it. I try to ignore. REALLY, I didn't want to be alone with her!

Finally, I felt bad enough for my dad that I went in and saved the day. Yeah, I fixed everything. But, my payment? The following conversation:

Mom: I really need to talk to you about John Kerry
Me: I REALLY don't want to talk about this with you Mom
Mom: You can't just blindly vote democrat. This guy is scary and I need to tell you why
Me: Mom, I don't want to insult you, but (thinking in my head that I just didn't want to hear her judgmental slant on things, then thought better of it.) Let's change the subject.
Mom: So, you were telling me about the movie, "The Villiage" saying I'd like it. Why?
Me: Well, it's a villiage of people who lived in the puratanical days. No swearing, everyone respected their elders, no drinking, no smoking
Mom: Yeah, I'd like to live there
Me: (Here's where I should have kept my big yapper shut) I'd hate it. I'd be bored out of my mind.
Mom: Why?
Me: No stimulation.
Mom: Why, because people couldn't swear or drink? (ok, I'm paraphrasing, but that was the basic intent of her statement)
Me: No (arrrgh.... why didn't I keep my mouth shut?), it's because I'd have no internet. Besides, people weren't given choices.
Mom: I think the world should be like that. I don't like swearing. I don't like R rated movies (and on and on and on.) I don't like it that it lives in my brain for hours after I hear it.
Me: But Mom, you DO live in this world. You can choose to allow yourself to get upset when you hear these things, or choose to ignore it. I do not get upset be swearing unless people are swearing directly at me. It does not live in my brain. It goes in one ear and out the other.
Mom: That's just sad. It should bother you.
Me: I think you need to ignore it. I think you dwell on it too much. I think you wait for an opportunity to hear it so you can say something about it. (I can't believe I said that, even though I've been thinking it for YEARS. )

The conversation went downhill from there. Thankfully, I got her computer fixed in the nick of time and my hubby walked in saying he was tired and ready to go. Perfect timing, if you ask me.

Here's the love part:

I love my husband. He let me vent all the way to the hotel. He bought some wine. We drank it. We lit a fire in our room and just cuddled. He didn't say anything bad about my mother (good idea!)

And finally, the cop part:

On the way home today, we were speeding a bit. BJ looks in the rear view mirror. There he saw the flashing blue and reds. Yup. We were caught.

Cop: Are you in a hurry to get somewhere?
BJ: Nope
Cop: Well, I'm sure you were surprised to see me. Probably just as surprised as the mustang in front of you when you almost drove into his trunk
Lori: Mouth kept shut, even though I wanted to say, "Yeah, but that mustang had just cut us off!"
BJ: Silence
Cop: Well, do you think you should slow it down a little?
BJ: Yes, sir, I do
Cop: Ok, well, I'll just give you a warning. But you need to slow down
BJ: Yes sir. Thank you.

If it were me in the same scenario? I'd of made some bizzare story of why I was speeding, and I would have told the cop about the mustang cutting me off. And I would have cried and stuff. And, I probably would have received a ticket.

I married a smart man.