Masks are what they seem to be; not so the faces beheath them.
Mason Cooley

Time for an Inner Outings card again.

Tonight I pulled, "The Masks I Wear". Ugh. I'm fully aware of this facet of my personality. Just like an old pair of socks, I'm comfortable in my masks.

I wear masks as a protection. I always have. The ability to wear masks has saved me on more than one occasion.

In elementary school, I was perfect. I was perfectly groomed and had perfect manners. Wind me up and watch me dance. Would you like me to play the piano for you? I shall do it with perfection. Would you like me to sing for you? I shall never miss a word or sing off key. Watch me, I won't disappoint you and I will love every minute of performing for you.

In high school, my mask was that of a clown. I was a prankster and would do anything to make someone laugh. Inside, I was not laughing. My diary writings are almost tortuous to read.

In my twenties, I wore a shield of armor. If I appear strong and mean, nobody will mess with me right? For the most part that was true. However, the people who challenged me saw me crumble like blue cheese. Once I revealed my weakness, I avoided.

Before becoming the person I am today, I believe I went through a period of adolescence. It was a period of trying out personalities, if you will, until I found one that fit. In my 30's I tried on lots of masks. I've always been very much an individualist, but in my 30's I was an INDIVIDUALIST! I did lots of things for shock value, and it worked. Believe me, it was hard to do things for shock value, yet keep my strong morals in tact. I was able to do both because it was important to me.

I was going to say that I've come a long way in removing those masks and am at the point where what you see is what you get. But as I write this, it's occurred to me that those masks were simply trial personalities. Personalities that I lived 100%. I've incorporated each of those masks into my life now, and so it is true that what you see is what you get. I'm still a perfectionist, still like to make people laugh and I'm still very much an individualist. I'm all of those things, just not to such a degree, and none of it is pretend anymore. I am authentic.

Still, I often check my actions. I often ask myself if I'm being authentic because I've worn masks for so long that I'm not always sure of who I am. Of this, I'm sure: I'm a kind and empathetic person. Underneath all of those masks I've always held strong to those two things. I believe this to be my core being, and is something I'm proud of.

If I'm unsure of myself, I simply shut down. Question me and you'll receive yes and no answers and nothing more. I've worked hard to not pretend to be something I'm not, so when unsure I'm quiet.

I suppose this is why I like to write. It allows me the time to think, rather than react. You'll see no masks here.

This doesn't mean that I'm 100% forthcoming with everything. Just because I'm not wearing a mask does not mean I don't have something that I'm hiding behind my back. I do have secrets. Secrets that I have shared with very few people.

It's funny, the people who I love the most know the very least about those secrets. I do this to protect them because I do not want their minds burdened with the things I know; the things I've lived.

I guess you could consider that a mask. If so, it shall have to be a mask that I may never remove because I am not ready to be exposed to that degree. Maybe I will some day, but not yet.