BJ is out on a business dinner, so I decided that tonight I was due for another installment of Inner Outings. Tonight I pulled a card called, "A gift for me".

I've mentioned a time or two that I have an extraordinary capacity for guilt. Shoot, I even have a category dedicated to guilt (look to the right- you'll see it right between family and health.) Hmmmm.

The funny thing is that I feel guilty about things that are completely out of my control. Good fortune comes my way? I feel guilty because it didn't come the way of someone who needed it more than I did.

I once had a therapist congratulate me because I went 45 minutes into a session before the word "guilty" passed my lips.

Huh.

Probably the most absurd and long-standing guilt I've experienced has been regarding my job. More specifically, my income. For many years, I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I could make the money I make without back breaking work. I was constantly questioning why *I* was so lucky to have my job, and that there are people who have to work in sweatshops or stand on their feet all day just to make a percentage of what I earn. I just couldn't rationalize it in my head because it didn't seem fair. I've even gone so far as to tell an employer that the raise they offered me was too much.

Do I hear crickets chirping? Yeah, I've already admitted that this was an absurd one.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about purpose and intention, and the things I've studied are starting to really sink in. I'm starting to let go of that guilt because I realize that I was never handed anything. Nobody plucked me off the street and said, "Hey RisibleGirl, you seem like a nice person so we're going to give you this job". That never happened. What happened was I worked for it. I set goals and I achieved them.

If someone looked at my educational background and training and compared it to other people in my position, I'm sure they'd be surprised. I don't have a stitch of formal training to do what I'm currently doing. I've been a waitress and have worked in a sewing factory (that didn't go so well and required several trips to the ER for stitches, but that's another story for another day).

The path to my current position started as a Realtor. I'll bet my mom has no idea that she was the catalyst for my current career. She paid for me to get my real estate license and we worked as a team for a while. That is, until I set my sights on real estate lending. We had a lender that we worked with and I became fascinated by the inner workings of lending, so I decided that this was what I wanted to do.

I told him that when he had a receptionist position open up I'd like him to consider me and I was hired shortly after that. I then asked the processors if I could help them with their files because there wasn't enough for me to do. I learned their job and was promoted to processor within a month. I learned all I could and then talked to the underwriting manager about my desire to become an underwriter. Within six months of that, I was asked to move to another state to work in the underwriting department. Because I hadn't been in lending a year, I had to have another underwriter sign off on my files after I did the work. But I made sure that my work was perfect. There was never a question about any of my decisions. Beyond wanting a job and learning about it, I make sure I do the best job I possibly can once I have it. It's because I have a lot of gratitude for the opportunity I am given.

My current job has nothing to do with lending, but it is at the top of the layers of building blocks starting from that receptionist job. Each job went down a different path until I landed where I am today.

I won't bore you with my entire work history, but that's basically my M.O. I see something I want to do, I find opportunities to learn about it, then I apply for the job. I've never been turned down for any job in which I had an interview. Lucky? Maybe. I'm more apt to think that it's about intent. My intent shows in the passion I feel about the job when I talk about it to prospective employers.

I think that the wiring that most people have that tells them not to jump off a bridge is missing in my head. I've never been intimidated to go after what I want. It's never scared me even a little bit.

And that is what I thought of when I pulled the "A gift for me" card from my Inner Outings Diarist deck. This topic is something that's been renting a lot of real estate in my head for the past couple of weeks. I think I've always known deep down that none of this was about luck, but I had a hard time explaining the principle behind it. Because I couldn't really explain it, I couldn't justify it in my own mind.

But now I understand. This is truly a gift that I give myself. The gift in knowing what I want, then seizing the opportunity as it comes.

The gift of believing in myself.