I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)