It's hard to believe that the grief support group is finished, but last night was our final meeting.

We (the co-facilitators) were asked to share our thoughts about each member's growth. I told Fearless Leader that I felt uncomfortable with this because I didn't see growth in everyone in my group, and it would be difficult to figure out a way to highlight the growth of a couple of people and not have the others feel slighted.

Fearless Leader quizzed me about the folks in my group- asking about the growth of each member. I had five members in my group, the youngest looks to be in her 60's. The two oldest (between 75 and 80) seemed to leave the group the same as they came in. But that's not a horrible thing, because they came in with less of a "lost" feel about them. They appeared to have already worked through a lot before coming to the group. Another member of the group came too soon, in my opinion. She just didn't seem to be able to 'feel' and so everything she spoke of had no emotion behind it. It was really evident at the end of group when we all got together as a large group (more on that later). I wrote about my discoveries about the 'newly grieving' that might explain what I mean.

That leaves the two that were remarkable. One (the youngest of the group) was someone that almost frightened me the first week, because her grief was so encompassing. The look on her face showed someone that was in a great deal of pain. Her face also showed a lot of fear. Each week, she seemed to lose some of that pain and fear and by last night I saw a whole new woman. I will be following up with most of my group with a call on a monthly basis, but hers is the one I look forward to the most.

The last was a man who showed a lot of bravado when he first came in. Some of the things he would say to the rest of the group made me uncomfortable because it almost felt judgmental. "I start my day with a positive attitude" "Grief is a mindset; you can choose whether or not to let it rule your life", etc... But every once in a while, his human side would pop in and he'd surprise me. Eventually I understood that this man was grieving as much as everyone else, but due unknown influences (the way he was raised? his general personality?) he didn't know how to show it. I think the statements he made were more about trying to convince himself to be this way, than a reflection of how he really was.

After our individual group session discussions (Exercises to help point out that they have made progress, such as "have you noticed a difference in how you were grieving in the beginning and how you are grieving now", etc.), everyone got together as a large group. Fearless Leader asked everyone, if they felt up to it, to share with the group changes they've noticed since coming to the group 8 weeks ago (9 if you count the week we didn't hold group).

Simply amazing.

That phrase kept running through my head as each person got up to speak. It was wonderful to hear how the group affected these 20+ people, and very rewarding to me that I was a part of someone's healing. It just doesn't get any better than that. It truly doesn't.

After group, I got home and talked to the bearded eye-roller for a while. Even though it was raining and completely dark outside, we sat on our back porch and shared our day together. Just like always.

I shared with him that, although this was a wonderful experience for me, I'm not sure I'm meant to be a group facilitator. I'm better with the one-on-one phone calls for several reasons. The two big ones are:

• Following a lesson plan, although brilliant and very important, felt scripted to me and it didn't feel natural. I had difficulty making the questions I was supposed to ask feel natural, no matter how much I tried to phrase it in my own way.


• It's difficult for me to focus on more than one person. I am someone who 'locks in' (for lack of a better phrase) on someone when we're talking and I find it very distracting to know that there are other people waiting for their turn.

Of course, I'll share these things with Fearless Leader and see what she has to offer. She's been doing this for a long time and she has seen me 'in action'.

The thing I would miss with the one-on-one phone calls is something I shared as I stood in front of the large group. This was all off the top of my head, so I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like this:

As some of you know, this was the first time I've ever helped facilitate a group. I've been making one-on-one phone calls to families who have lost loved ones on Hospice for over two years, and was thrilled when [Fearless Leader] asked me if I'd like to help facilitate a group. [one of the other facilitators] told me that it was a wonderful experience to see tremendous growth in people over a period of eight weeks, and she was right. When I make calls, I only have one conversation, so that person is 'stuck' in that place in my head as I think about them days or weeks later. Of course, I hope for them that they truly do heal and grow, but I'll never really know.

It has been a true blessing for me to watch each one of you grow, and, to learn and feel that there really is hope that life will go on. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this.

Amazingly enough, I was able to get though my message without much more than my eyes welling up. That alone, tells me that I've done some growing too.