I was all fired up to redesign my blog yesterday. Today? Not so much. Expect my blog to be wonky for another week. I have work to do, and feel irresponsible playing around with my blog when I need to put in time on my real job. Yes, I know it's a holiday, but....

Yesterday The Hubs and I got together with his mom, my boys, my sis and their significant others (waving to Sam!) for a fun family style dinner at an Italian restaurant. I got to talk with the boys about last weekend and share with them things about my father's family. They are just as excited to learn about their roots as I am, so it was really fun to talk to them about it. Learning that my grandmother is Scottish was a big surprise to me, and we all chuckled about the fact that my oldest dressed like a Scot (kilt, and all) last Halloween. I've asked him to send me a picture of it so I can send it to my grandmother. I think she'll like it.

My oldest, the one who looks so much like my father, said that it was fun to see where our features came from. I agree. Until now, the only people who had my features are my boys. Just as I've mentioned before; my son said that my father had a STRONG set of genes.

What I find so interesting is how I've always felt so different from my mother, even though she is the one who raised me. I feel like we are like night and day. My father's side of the family feels like a natural fit to me, even though these are people that I have never met. It's all just so fascinating to me and a little hard to understand. I never felt uncomfortable or that I was with strangers for even a minute during our visit last weekend. On the same note, I feel uncomfortable in my mother's presence. I've been told by many that they don't even recognize me when they're around my mother and me.

My mother has made it impossible for me to talk to her about this. If you've read my blog from the beginning or know me personally, it is no secret that I have struggles with my relationship with my mother. This is just one more wedge.

Yes, she was most certainly hurt by my father leaving her and she felt abandoned. But that was 45 years ago, and it has nothing to do with my father's family. I tried to break the news gently to her about what I was doing, but when we visited her the weekend before visiting my father's family she told me that all of this was 'killing' her and causing her a lot of pain. She then went on to make things very uncomfortable for me.

She has no idea that we flew down to meet my family because I'm not willing to deal with the repercussions or ensuing drama. This, of course, means that I have to drag my family that knows about this (boys, sis, bro, hubby, hubby's mom) into the set of lies. I despise doing that. I hate lying in the first place, but asking people to lie on my behalf? Wow. This is against everything I stand for.

I just hope the topic never comes up.

I think this is what I don't like about my relationship with my mother. I can't be me, and I can't be honest. I know that there are some who would encourage me to be honest even if it does cause contention. I can't. I tried that once and it turned into threats of suicide. I was only able to resolve the situation by telling her that she was right and I was wrong.

So, you see, it's much easier to just keep my mouth shut.

I feel so torn about loyalty. I am more loyal to people than some deserve, but that's just who I am. This shouldn't be a struggle of loyalty. They are my family just as much as my mother is. This is something that I've wanted as long as I can remember, so it should be an exciting and happy time for me. Instead, I feel conflicted.

Of this, I'm sure: This internal struggle will not keep me from pursuing and maintaining a relationship with my father's family.

I just wish it didn't have to *feel* like this.