I took an entire day off from my computer and blackberry yesterday. This exercise made me feel very uncomfortable, which tells me that I need to do it more often. Am I or was I addicted to the Internet? Perhaps. I think the better question is, "Am I addicted to the perception that I'm on top of everything?" Bingo!

I used to have my laptop on from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I may not have been using it, but it was there and ready to go just in case. It was especially important to me for those times when I worked for my previous employer and had an email from the Top Dog at 9pm asking me something. I wanted to be right on it. Or, maybe I saw something on TV that made me curious. I always had my trusty Internet close by to find out anything I wanted to know.

Lately, I've been turning my laptop off every night at about 7pm. Even on weeknights. I decided to try a full day without turning on my computer. Like I said, it was very uncomfortable.

I'm not sure if everyone is like me, but I doubt it. My mind is ON 24/7- yes, even when I'm asleep. My dreams, crazy as they are, are even a reflection of what's going on in my head. If I'm having a particularly stressful day, my dreams are extremely stressful. Sure, clowns might be involved ::heh::, but clowns can be scary too!

So, yesterday there were many times that I was tempted to turn on my computer. It got to the point where I started to panic because I couldn't immediately take care of what was twirling around in my head. All of it was work related. What if?

That ended up spiraling to, "What's going to happen when these projects end?" "How will we pay the bills if I don't get any more projects?" "What if I can't get these projects (two have yet to be formally handed over to me) done on time?" "I need to write and organize right now!"

I knew that I could probably sooth myself by turning on my computer and losing myself in the cyberworld and list-making, but I didn't do it. I already had a spotless house, so scrubbing something wasn't even something I could do to get my mind off of THE.BIG.SCARY.FUTURE.

I ended up enjoying myself with lots of great movies and some doggie play time. Of course, with the "stuff" still swirling around in my head. ACK! Make it stop!

Today I've reminded myself that there is NOTHING permanent about anything. I've learned that lesson many times over. Failed marriage, lay-off from a company that I was with for almost 18 years, animals that I've had to put to sleep (yes, that's another thing that I've been stressing about, even though Einstein isn't yet one year old, thanks to watching Marley and Me); well you get the idea, the list is endless.

There is nothing I can control except how I react to my circumstances. Worrying about the future is just plain dumb. Things are going to happen as they happen and I have very little control over the future. All I can do is accept everything as a learning experience or a gift and do my best to do my best.

Things are going so well right now and what do I do? I worry about when it's going to end. Not *if*, but when. If I were my friend talking to me, I'd say, "hey- look at everything that you've been through and you STILL find a way to come out on top of things." "Way to go for not rolling over and dying!"

My 'friend' is right. I need to listen to her.