I'd like to do something this year to help both those that have lost someone and those who know someone that has lost someone. The thing I hear most when listening to grieving families on the phone or in support groups, is that people around them don't understand what they are going through and this makes it SO much harder for them. Eventually, the grieving pretend that they're not grieving just so those around them feel more comfortable.

I'd like to host a chat (maybe two) and have a panel of people who have lost someone. I'm hoping to get volunteers for the panel- people who have had any type of loss (spouse, child, parent, etc.), so all types of grief are represented. Then, I'd like people to join the chat that just want to understand what they can do and say to their friend, employer, or relative to help them- especially during the holidays. I would like this to be an open session of asking questions and giving answers- nothing scripted. Just like when I help facilitate grief groups or make calls, I'm not going to offer any advice. I'm just going to help direct the flow a bit.

If you'd like to be on the panel, please email me at , letting me know the kind of loss you've had. It doesn't matter how recent or long ago your loss was. Once enough folks sign up for the panel, we'll schedule a time that will work for everyone and then invite the public to ask questions.

I will then publish the transcript (names will be omitted) here on my blog for people to give their friends, families and co-workers. I'm hoping that this will help others be more gentle with the grieving, even if just a little bit, especially during the holidays.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this. It was published in a newsletter I receive from a local support group:

The Year Before Last

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...
the year before last?

Author Unknown