I imagined several scenarios that I might read as cause of death on my father's certificate of death. Suicide wasn't one of them. My father died of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.

My manager told me that I could leave work early today for the holiday weekend, and BJ had the day off. So after work we went to the grocery store to pick up items we'd need to host our dinner tomorrow. I asked BJ if he wouldn't mind if we stopped at the post office on our way home. Now I'm regretting that decision because he had to witness my reaction when I read those words on the certificate of death.

I shouldn't have opened the envelope until I was alone, but I'd waited so long for this. I ordered the death certificate when I found out about his death on February 23rd. I got a call from the office of vital statistics two weeks ago that they had mailed it to the wrong address, so they sent it again. I was at work at the time that they called and am very glad that I resisted the temptation to ask them what it said.

BJ just lost his dad on February 7th, and so I sit here feeling so guilty about my reaction. His dad was his best friend; I didn't know my father. Yet I burst into tears and I'm still struggling really hard to keep it in.

When I first looked at the certificate of death, all I saw was that the place of injury was a vehicle. For an instant I was relieved that he died in an auto accident. I've been afraid to read that he died of emphysema or liver failure; both being complications of a heriditary disorder that I have. Then I saw gunshot to the head. Decedent shot himself. It literally took my breath away and I felt as if someone had punched me in the throat.

Instantly my brain was flooded with the image of a very sad man; a man feeling so hopeless that he put a gun to his head and shot himself. My brain even took me down the road of the aftermath. I can't turn it off. I also can't turn off the guilt about not trying harder to find him. I'll never know what made him so sad.

My mind is so jumbled with emotions that I can't quite sort out. I'm feeling confused and very very sad. I'm sad that another human being, who happens to have given me half of my genes felt so hopeless that he decided to end his life.

I feel as if I was completely sideswiped by this. I honestly don't know anyone who could possibly understand how I feel right now. Who would be able to say that they've had this experience so they could explain why I'm so sad about a man I never knew? I'm in a very lonely place.