I realize I'm going to sound like a broken record here on my blog if I keep writing about this, but I am still at a loss about what to do with how I feel about a situation. Sit back, have a cuppa (because I suspect this will be loooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggg) and then feel free to dispense with advice.

There are very few people who affect me in such a way that I completely shut down in their presence. In fact, I can only think of two people; one has been in my life since I was born, and the other is someone in my life because of her relationship with my sweet husband.

When I shut down, I'm nearly unrecognizable. I learned early in childhood how to shut off feeling anything when a situation called for it. I am practically a robot, and am certainly distant and cold. That side of me is so far removed from who I really am.

Back in May, I posted an excerpt from Cherie Carter-Scott's book 'If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules'. I printed the 10 rules out, and keep it handy so I can refer to it when I'm faced with something particularly challenging. I wholeheartedly believe in the message.

Rule four is the one that screams out at me when I'm thinking of how these two people affect me.

The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

There is a common denominator between the two people in that they're both master manipulators. I'll be the first one to raise my hand and admit that I'm highly sensitive when I feel that someone is trying to manipulate me. Perhaps it's because I grew up with it all my life and I recognize it as soon as it manifests.

When it comes to fight or flight, I take on wings and fly out of a situation as quickly as possible. This is why I do not have any manipulative friends. Once I feel any sort of manipulation from someone, I quickly remove them from my life. I used to let situations drag on and on, with many warnings, but I've learned that manipulators are generally unable (unwilling?) to change.

But family? I simply can't do it.

It occurred to me two nights ago that I will never be able to look forward to a holiday as long as I know these two people will be involved in any way. When I know I'm going to have to spend time with either of these two people, I start dreading and focusing on it for several days prior to the actual visit. I feel on edge every waking moment.

I have started hosting all family holidays at our home and was so excited to find out that my brother will be coming to my home this year for Thanksgiving. I adore my brother and was practically giddy at the thought of seeing him. But then I remembered that the other person who affects me so horribly will also be there because she's part of my husband's family. That's all I can focus on right now and it makes me angry.

If my sister comes, then all of my favorite people (except BJ's mom, whom I miss terribly) will be there. My boys, my sister, my brother and my husband. Nothing could make me happier than to be with my little family.

But then there's the interloper. I feel horrible calling her that, but it's a fact. She creates drama and feelings of ill will where ever she goes. I honestly believe she's a sociopath.

BJ doesn't even like her, but feels obligated to continue a relationship with her even though the tie they once had to each other, his father, is now gone. He feels that he needs to continue to be family to her because it's his way of honoring his dad. I would agree wholeheartedly if she wasn't such a thorn and wasn't continually doing the spiteful and manipulative things she's always done.

I am not and will not ask BJ to choose between us. I know he'd choose me, that's not in question. I do not want him to have to choose between me and the obligation he feels toward his dad. His dad was his hero. I understand why he wants to honor his dad, and this is what makes this entire situation so hard for me. I've tried to be supportive in this and have tried to not put BJ in the middle, but I was finally completely honest with him two nights ago.

I shared with him that I've tried really REALLY hard to put her on 'ignore' like he's able to do, but I can't. I understand that a person who some would consider only to be an annoyance is affecting me way too much because of my history. I don't want to be affected like this, but I can't make it go away. I told him that it makes me really sad to think that as long as she's a part of our lives I'll never truly enjoy a holiday again because she'll be there. Instead of laughing and loving my family, I'll be shutting down.

After sharing all of that, I wanted to stuff it all right back where it was because he said that he feels that I'm making him choose between my happiness and his obligation. I suppose in a way, he is making a choice and I know it's only because he couldn't possibly understand the depth of how this makes me feel. Nobody really could, except someone who knows my entire history. He's not privy to that information right now. Nobody really is.

I know that this lesson is something I'll have to repeat OVER and OVER and OVER until I learn how to deal with it. I *believe* that if I was able to be honest with these two people and tell them that I feel manipulated by them and that I'm on to the fact that they try to use guilt to control me and everyone else around them, that I'd not shut down anymore. I *believe* that I'm shutting down because I fear the anger that is welled up deep inside and I fear what I will say. Even if honest and true, it will be hurtful and I can't bring myself to hurt people. I cannot even *gently* confront her without becoming the mean person who is being hateful to a woman that lost her husband and got breast cancer all in the same year and now she wants to take the only family she has away from her.

Deep breath....

I tried once approaching a topic with her in such a way that it barely scratched the surface of what I feel about her behavior right after my husband lost his dad. She was saying things to him like, "your (dead) dad will kick your @$$ if you don't take care of me.." among other things. I gently asked her to allow my husband a little breathing room so he could deal with his own grief. She turned it around and made it into a drama of epic proportions, saying that I was a 'mean' person who was trying to break up her relationship with my husband. The thing that she doesn't understand is that I used to be the one who forced him to go see her and I played interference whenever she'd get into her verbal bashing. I've mentioned before that she has a long history of doing things to try to break my husband up with whatever woman is in his life, so I know that she's projecting.

I can't *not* invite her to holiday gatherings as long as BJ feels this obligation. I'm his wife and I need to support him in doing what he feels he needs to do- honor his dad. If I go to my parent's house for holidays, yes, I'd avoid having to be with her but it'll be the same thing- just a different person and different manipulative behavior.

I know that if she were gone, someone else will come along to continue this lesson I seem to desperately need to learn. I really do know what I need to do but my husband does not want me to be honest with her because he says it will make it worse. From where I stand that's the only way I'm going to be able to put this lesson to bed.

I feel so trapped.....