Tomorrow will be the third Hospice support group meeting, and it's going to be the most emotional so far.

Last week was good, in that my group of five (not including me) were most certainly bonding with each other. When we had our break-out group, it didn't seem so much a group- it seemed more like a social club. My group consists of people in their 60's and 70's, two men and three women. They seemed to bond right from the start- especially the two men. Both of the men call me "kiddo", which is kind of cute.

I started to worry over the weekend about my abilities as a facilitator. I take this so seriously and I don't want to hamper anyone's opportunity for growth. I've never been in a group, and I don't know what's 'normal'- so the fact that my group seemed more interested in socializing than working on grief worried me. I wasn't sure if it had something to do with how I was facilitating.

I sent an email to Fearless Leader about my doubts and asked her if she wouldn't mind facilitating my group and allowing me to watch. I explained my fears, and what I observed was going on in my group. She wanted to think about it for a while, but gave me her initial impression:

In the immediate, let me say that often times older people bond socially before they do anything else. They aren’t as intense about things because they’ve already lived so much. Stay tuned – I’ll be back –

That did make me feel better, and deep-down, I guess I can see that sort of thing in my own life. Not that I've experienced what these people are experiencing, but I know that things don't affect me to the degree that they used to.

The next day, she sent me an excerpt from an email sent by one of my group members. This person, in particular, was one that I was most worried about because her grief seems so intense. The email completely eased my mind.

Fearless Leader sent us our lesson plan for tomorrow night with a list of questions to ask our members as we're going through the exercise. This will help me a lot and I now feel much more comfortable in doing this on my own. She asked if I still wanted her to facilitate my group, and I told her no. I felt comfortable now that she has explained a few things, and given us a more in-depth lesson plan. Somehow, she always seems to know exactly what I need.

Up until now, we've not asked people to share their story, explaining that we wanted them to build a level of comfort with us and with each other. Some have spilled bits and pieces, and of course we-as the facilitators- know their background. But they have not shared the story of their loved one's death from start to finish yet.

Everyone was asked to bring a picture of their loved one to show as they talk about their story.

My 'script' (for lack of a better word) for tomorrow is:

#1 Tell us who your loved one was/is (e.g relationship, their name, where they lived, what they did in life.)
#2 Tell us about their death? How did you react?
#3 Try to name one word to describe how life has been since their death.
Everyone will have 5 minutes (or less) to share so please be as clear and brief as you can. Also, please self-check and note how you feel inside while
you talk about your loved one.

I am to keep note of the one word description of how their life has been after death. Then when we all get together as a large group, I will share the words with the entire group- without sharing who said them.

I can anticipate some of the words; lonely, sad, frightening, overwhelming and empty. As I think about it now, I can feel my throat start to tighten. I do my best to not put myself in their shoes, because I couldn't bear the thought- but how will I do tomorrow? I've started developing attachments to these people, even in this short span of time. I worry that I might not be able to convey their feelings without taking them on myself.

I think the 'technique' Fearless Leader shared with us in the beginning will start to come into play now: 1. Visualize a friendly and solid boundary between yourself and the group, and 2. Create and practice a post-group ritual to cleanse your being of the group’s energy.

I'll let you know how it goes.