I think a phone call from one of my 'new' Aunts prompted this dream. She called me a couple of nights ago to tell me what they have planned for our visit on the 28th.

(YIKES! The 28th is just around the corner!)

They've planned an open house and have invited lots of people. BJ and I will be sitting next to my grandmother and talking with her while guests come and go. It almost sounds like a wedding reception line. They plan to have pictures out for everyone to see and I'll bring a few of my own.

My 'new' family are very kind and warm people and I feel very much at home with them. It's my understanding that my grandmother, although eager to meet me, is nervous about it. I've told my aunt to let her know that it is not my intent to play 20 questions. I'm not like that. I would like to know one day what happened and why my father wasn't in my life, but I'm not going to push the issue. It's enough to know that it wasn't about him not wanting children. I can lay that blame I've lived with all my life on the shelf and say goodbye to it. Enough people have told me that he adored his daughters for me to know that I am not to blame for the divorce between my parents.

Everyone, including my mother, keeps alluding to family secrets and things that they're not sure my grandmother wants to tell me. If I do find out these secrets, I'll not be sharing them here but I'll be sharing my feelings. How I'll manage to do both at the same time, I'm not sure. It bothers me that there is something (or things) that I don't know and may never know, especially the 'hush hush' feeling of it all. My curious and imaginative mind is something that shouldn't be left to play alone for very long.

When we visited my parents last weekend, my mother was alluding to a lot of things. Right before we left, she said, "I have a big secret that I'm keeping from you and it'll have to wait until I'm on my death bed". I'm serious. She actually said that. Whether it's related to my b-fathers family or something else, I don't know.

My last words to my mother? "I'm really done with family secrets."

..and I am.

I was going to say that I do not understand the need to keep secrets, but there are a smattering of people (including some of my blog readers) that know the secrets I choose to keep from people. I've given enough information when I'm asked to guest blog for folks to know the things that I hide from most of the world.

I guess the difference is that I don't tell people that I have secrets and then just clam up. It's just not fair. Especially if that secret concerns them.

Hmmm, seems as if I've gone on a tangent. So, back to the dream...

I dreamed that we were at my grandmothers house and hanging out with all of the aunts and cousins, my sister, my brother and BJ's mom (funny, how BJ's mom gets invited to all these things, huh?). Interestingly enough, my grandmother looked just like BJ's grandmother in this dream and some of my aunts looked like BJ's aunts.

It was a very comforting dream, and I feel as if I want to go back to that 'place' (that feeling). I woke up feeling a lot of peace about the situation. The people that I call my inner circle (BJ, sis, BJ's mom, my brother) were there and I think that has some sort of psychological meaning.

I'll be mulling the meaning over in my head for a while, but feel free to let me know if you come up with any brainy ideas.