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 I'm a 40 something, happily ever after since April 04 married mother of two grown |
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BJ= My husband Cameron= My oldest son Casey= My youngest son Heidi= My sister Jessica= Casey's fiancé Kathy= Cameron's fiancé to be (I hope) Michael= My brother Riley= Jessica's son (I'm claiming as my #1 grandbaby) Sam= Heidi's husband Still can't figure it out? Here's a map for ya... |
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I feel really silly about this
This blog is where I write about everything* in my head, and so holding back information because I feel silly about it is, well, just dumb. Sometimes I write in order to see what it is that I'm truly feeling. I'm not always completely in touch with my own emotions and thoughts and it takes a whole lot of writing before I get to the 'aha!'. Sometimes I write about things that I want my kids to have referenced somewhere after I die (hopefully, many years from now). Sometimes I write so those in my life who read my blog will understand me a little bit more. But mainly, I just write for me. I like to write because it's cathartic. With that said.... Last night I had a really hard time sleeping. My mind was racing with lots of thoughts, but the one that kept coming back to me was, now that I've had this surgery I'll never be able to have another baby, and it REALLY upset me. Huh? I'll be 47 years old at the end of this month and I honestly had no intentions of having another baby. Not even for a minute did I want to have another baby. Why would this upset me so much then? I also got to thinking that a part of my body that I'd come to hate over the years was the very thing that enabled me to give birth to two of the most wonderful people I've ever known. How could I hate something that also brought me such joy? I'm one of the lucky ones that was able to have babies. I've never taken that for granted because I cannot imagine my life without my sons. I am about as close to wrapping my whole world around them (in a non-smothering way, of course), as I possibly can. How can I come to terms then, with the hateful relationship that I had with this part of my body and how I was so excited to be finally rid of it. I keep picturing 'it' tossed aside like garbage, with no less than a "don't let the door hit ya on the way out" from me. I feel so disrespectful, and ungrateful today. Wow- I never thought I'd give it a second thought. Now it seems that I'm giving it lots of thought and regret. I do not regret having the surgery, and I'm positive that it was the right thing. I'm not sure what it is that I regret. I just know that the feeling of regret is the feeling that keeps bubbling up to the surface. Maybe I'm just having some sort of temporary depression, caused by a combination of anesthesia, hormones, and cabin fever. I'm fairly certain that I'll look back on this post one day (or maybe even in two hours, considering the rapid cycling of emotion I've been feeling) and shake my head at the drama of it all. *not everything... I'm smart enough to keep most job-related thoughts out of this public forum. RisibleGirl was blabbing on about another adventure on 01/13 at 10:27 AM
 KathyHowe wrote:
Knowing you as I cyber know you I would say that what you regret is having any negative feelings at all about this particular body part. You are not a negative person by nature, you are not filled with hatred or anger so the fact that you would let a misbehaving body part get to you...well...I think in hindsight the fact you let it get to you is what is bothering you. You, Miz Riz, are an upbeat, laugh aloud ray of sunshine. Negativity is not your nature so I'm guessing that you see how you were negative now that the surgery is over a little more clearly. I think the best way to get over this is to start eatting cookies or chocoate ASAP. 
Fizzy wrote:
I had everything removed in 1999 at the nice age of 32. Not wanting any more children (2 within 21 months was enough for me) and the pain I had suffering with monthly visits that put me into the hospital more times then I count from the age of 12...my physician who said this was a good thing for me - got past the nurses station with a bottle of wine into my room and we celebrated! I had a twinge of regret the first month till after that visit was supposed to happen came and went with no pain and the next month came and went... and then I forgot all about it. Is it worth the hot flashes I go through daily? Oh yes. Is it worth the 'on the edge of sanity' I feel sometimes? Yep. Don't feel silly about it - it's very normal.
Phyllis wrote:
I think this is a normal reaction. There's lots of research about heart patients going through depression after major surgery. e wrote:
I know what you mean, but I don't think regret is the right word. Before, you had a choice, even if you never considered another kiddo. Now you don't have a choice. Before, you had control over the decision. Now, the decision has been made for you. More melancholy than regret? Whatever, it is, it's natural to reflect (and grieve) when you've been through a major surgery. It's life changing, so I'd be more concerned if you didn't reflect in some way. (((hugs)))  Stew wrote:
So the love child between Stew Magoo and Risible Girl ISN'T going to happen! Well, I'll still do a photoshop so you can see what the love child would have looked like. hehehe  Miss Ann Thrope wrote:
It's common to feel like that. When i had the cancer, I had no kids, I was 27. they made me see about 10 different psychs...really. I'm freaking out because I just wanted that ripped out of me and I had to wait 8 months because they wanted to make sure I wouldn't 'feel like less of a woman.' It's cancer here, people. GET IT THE FUCK OUT! I never got depressed and I've rarely ever thought about 'what if.' I'm keeping my dysfunction out of the gene pool at least. I'm sure it's a passing thing because anaesthesia hangs on and pain meds too. It's surgery. You had an organ removed. of course you're going to bum out about it....I didn't but it's apparently a very common reaction. Hang in there! Friglet wrote:
I think what you're experiencing is entirely normal. Every woman that I know that has had a hysterectomy has gone through the same wave of emotions. Just hang in there. This to shall pass.
Next entry: Hummingbirds are smarter than I thought Previous entry: Being compared to a hippopotamus In case you're wondering.... On this day clear back in 2007 I wrote: I should just have a category called “my goofy dad” On this day clear back in 2005 I wrote: Holiday decorations On this day clear back in 2004 I wrote: 16 hours and counting |
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