I have a friend with cancer. I'm not sure that I should have the honor of calling her my friend. I haven't been a good friend to her. I'm not sure I know how to be a good friend. The only person that I can honestly say that I'm a good friend to is my sister. I know that I'd do anything for my sister. No question about it. I know that she knows that. Is that the test of a true friend?

I see people who have maintained friendships for years and years. I'm not one of those people. My husband is one of those people. I want to be one of those people. I have only one friend (besides my sister) who I've kept in contact for many years. It's only because she is the one to contact me. I love connecting with her, talking to her, writing to her; but it doesn't occur to me to do it unless she reaches out first. How must that make her feel?

I have friends who I think about often, but don't do anything about those thoughts. I wish they knew that I thought about them. But how could they? I don't tell them that I think about them unless I see them. Sometimes that could be years. Such is the case with my friend with cancer.

She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer four years ago. She had an office three doors down from me. I love her sense of humor. We'd go into each others' offices and just laugh and laugh. Then one day she told me that she was in pain. It was in the right upper abdomen. She knew that I had liver problems so was hoping to get information from me. We decided it was her gallbladder and so she went to the doctor. It wasn't her gallbladder. She had ovarian cancer and it had spread. She went into surgery immediately, and then on chemotherapy. She lost her hair. I emailed her and I visited her at home. Then, she came back to work. She regained her hair. I never asked if she was in remission and was off chemo. She never told me. Perhaps I didn't want to know.

Eventually I changed jobs and started dating my now husband. I lost touch with my friend with cancer. I lost touch with a lot of people. It's a pattern with me. I tend to focus on what is at hand right now.

I saw my friend two weeks ago. She happened to be in my building. Her hair was gone. I lost my breath. How could I have deserted her like this? Who cares if I thought about her? Did I do anything with those thoughts? No. No, I didn't. I was too focused on my own life. What the hell is wrong with me?

I saw my friend and just hugged her. I didn't mention the fact that she lost her hair. I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't know what to say right then. So, I did what I do best. I wrote her a letter over email. I told her that I didn't like what I saw. I asked her when she went back on chemo. She's been on chemo for this entire time. It just happens that she lost her hair recently. I told her that I missed her and I wanted to catch up. And I did miss her. That's the thing. When I see these friends that I've ignored (for lack of a better word), I really do realize how much I've missed them and how much I really care for them. But, what do I do about it? Nothing. What the hell is wrong with me?

I set up a lunch with my friend. She said that she was really looking forward to it because nobody could make her laugh like I could. That made me feel good and guilty at the same time. I should have been making her laugh these four years.

The lunch was supposed to be today. I told her that she gets to pick the restaurant. I emailed her this morning asking where we were going to meet. No answer. I figured she was too busy to get to her email, so I called her voicemail. It indicated that she'd be out for an indefinate amount of time. I lost my breath again.

I got a call from her alternate reader at work. He told me that he saw my email to her and didn't want to leave me hanging. She was in the hospital for the last two weeks, but just got home.

I have her home phone number. I will call her tomorrow. At least I hope that I do. I want her to know that I really do care about her a lot. I want to make her laugh. I want to show myself that I really do know how to be a good friend.

I feel like I am a good friend when people reach out to me. But why don't I reach out to them? I need to work on this.....