You'd think that at age 47, I'd know this but... just because something makes you feel better artificially, doesn't mean that you can go to town with your bad self.

I've decided to only take the Provigil on the days that I'm in the office. Period. Otherwise, I'm spending energy that I think I have, only to end up being only good for using up the oxygen in the room.

On the plus side, if I use this drug only for the clarity of mind, and not as a energy 'pick me up', it will do what I need. But when I've gone to town burning energy that I don't have- there is no clarity of mind to be had- even if I took 100 of them (don't take me seriously on that!). I'm like a big ol' slug.

Oh, my precious mind- where did you go? Please come back, I miss you terribly!

Honestly, it's still there. I pulled off something uber cool at work that surprised everyone. It took me many more days than it would have BBD (heh, before brain damage), but I still was able to do it. So, everything is STILL there- it's just a bit of walking through a maze to find it.

I wish I could describe to you how it feels to struggle SO.DAMNED.HARD to pull the idea from your head that used to be there without even batting an eye. Every time I struggle to pull that function or whatever it is that I'm struggling with- I'm reminded of trying to start a car in the winter. You keep turning the key and hear the engine trying to start, but it doesn't. You try again, and again, and again. If you're lucky, the car will eventually start. Sometimes you just end up flooding the engine. If you sat in the cube next to me, you'd hear me constantly saying "come on... come on..." just like I would when trying to get my car to start. I even sometimes pound the desk- kind of like I'd pound the dashboard if the car wouldn't start.

In better news, I truly am doing better with the jolting around and wobbling and stuff. And my typing has come back (yay!). I wonder if this is going to be what it's like for the rest of my life. 'X' issue is here today, maybe with a combination of 'Y'. Next week, it's only 'Y'. One week, maybe no issues. Then- out of the blue, issues A-Z happen all at once.

I never was one to like 'surprises'. I like being prepared for everything.

Grrrr- is this another lesson?

I feel like I shouldn't write until I can quit writing about this crap. It must be getting awfully old for you guys. I want to write funny stuff too- and I have been, I know. Not nearly enough though. I haven't even been by to visit anyone's blogs. I just feel like staring at the walls right now.

(RG- we thought you said that the pity party was over).......

It's not a pity party, I promise. It's just a lack of energy. Seriously, staring at the walls sounds like about all I want to handle right now.