I've felt like I've been in a cocoon the past few weeks, so hopefully I'll be emerging soon into a big ol' butterfly.

I'm someone who goes inward when something is bothering me. The more something bothers me, the more inward I go and I want less and less human interaction. I didn't even feel like writing for the past few weeks because I was SO busy processing the thoughts swirling around in my head. I'm still not really feeling very social, and I still feel like staying in my 'cave' for a bit longer. The good news is that I can see the light right outside of that cave.

I think I was really burned out when I left my job to have surgery on Jan 5th. I was working WAY too many hours and had WAY too little time off. I was focusing way too much on my job and focusing way too much on staying in control. Until this week, I literally cried at the idea of going back to work and that really bothered me because I truly do love what I do; but I didn't like my job. Making it worse, was that I *knew* it was my fault that I didn't like my job.

I've put off this surgery for so many reasons, but now I'm starting to wonder if I needed to put it off until I was in that horrible mental state. I think that I was at the breaking point, if I am to be truly honest, and if it weren't for that, I don't think I would have been so determined to figure out how to make things better.

I think I've always been someone who intentionally keeps a flurry of activity around me so I don't have the time to be still. Now I realize that being still has been exactly what I've needed to do and I hope to remember this when I get back to work on the 19th. Being still has allowed me to really think about MY culpability in the place I've landed over and over and over again. What a gift this has been.

It's kind of scary to put this out there, but I'm going to do it anyway. I have come to believe that 'living better through chemicals' is one of the things I need to do; to right my situation, and so I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to discuss it.

I've been someone who gets very focused on things, to the point of obsession, ever since I can remember. I remember many instances of this from childhood and it seems to be getting worse as I grow older. The constant need for perfection is part of this 'issue', as I see it. Sure, this 'perfectionist' streak has served me well at work and at home (hey, the house is ALWAYS clean, eh?), but at what price?

I am in a constant (as in 24/7) state of anxiety. No lie. I've become very good at hiding it, too, because I really don't want people around me to have to deal with it. The anxiety people around me witness on occasion is NOTHING compared to the internal anxiety going on.

I sincerely hope that having the surgery I've needed for so long; taking the time off to recover from that surgery; and most of all, having the down-time to really think about why I put myself into situations time and time again; will get me to a good place to start back into my job without going back to that burned out place again. Life is just too short.

I'm sorry that I've been a bad blogger and blog-friend. I hope that I'll get back into the swing of things once I am in a better place. I'm just not quite there yet.