Tonight was the second Hospice training session. A nurse came in and talked to the class about what dying looks like. As she discussed the different steps, I would think about some of my past patients and how they were in that particular place in their journey. I could tell by some of the questions that people asked in the class that a lot were afraid that someone would die while they were alone with them. That never happened to me, and I'm glad.

At the end of the class we did an exercise, a very enlightening one. We were given four sets of five small pieces of paper. On the first set of five we were to write down possessions we have that we like; the second set was supposed to be things we value in ourselves; the third was supposed to be hobbies or things we do that we enjoy; and the last set of five were relationships.

Mine were (in no particular order):
Possessions- car, piano, espresso maker, wedding ring, music collection
Things I value in me- my independent nature, I'm happy, I like to serve others, I easily show love, my intelligence
Hobbies/things I enjoy doing- graphic work, internet research, hiking, my job (yes, really!), music
People- My husband, my sister, son #1, son#2, and my brother

Then soft music came on and the lights were dimmed. We were asked to listen to a story, and asked to place ourselves as the main character of the story. We followed this character as she found a lump that shouldn't be there; found out the lump was cancer; went through treatments; treatments stopping because they were not working; started actively dying; and finally the people with her when she died.

As we were told this story, we'd be told during certain phases to give up random numbers of those slips of paper. We were not given a category that we had to choose from. Just take the number of slips that we were instructed to pick and crumple them and throw them in the middle of the floor. This was to represent how the person feels as she's dying and starts losing things important to her. Of course, my last five were the people in my life. The two other things I had a hard time giving up were my independence and my ability to love.

It was difficult to not be absorbed by this exercise; to not think about the "what if's".

My last two slips of paper were my sister and my husband. Then I had to choose. Believe it or not, I chose my sister. I am not going to defend my decision, even though I know that my husband is supposed to come first. Or should, anyway. I couldn't love or adore my husband any more than I do, and it has nothing to do with any sort of relationship problems; because frankly I think we're pretty perfect. It has more to do with the trust and deep bond I have with my sister. She knows me like no other, and I feel that she accepts every piece of me just as I am - just as I do with her. I really do believe that she and I are soul mates. My husband knows the bond with my sister, and I think he'd understand. Thankfully, it's a choice I'll never have to make.

Lastly, we were asked to imagine our body laying in the bed after we die. We're looking down on it and we're asked to imagine who is in the room with us. It was my husband, my sons, Ranger Mike and my sister.

Seeing all of the crumpled papers on the floor really had quite an impact. There are 20 people in my class, and those are a lot of dreams and passions crumpled up on the floor. We were told to stand in a circle around those things we "lost" and hold hands and think about those that we are about to serve. It was a great exercise.

The exercise reminded me of my first hospice patient. She held tight to the same things I hold dear. Family, independence and service to others. I met her while she was still able to get up and around. She didn't have a lot of energy, so she used me as her conduit to do things for her family. She'd have me cook dinner for her husband EXACTLY the way she cooked for him. It was important to her. She supervised me cleaning up her kitchen and putting things away EXACTLY like she would have. Eventually, she didn't have the energy to even do that and she started giving up those things; just like those crumpled up pieces of paper. She did it with grace and I hope that I'll be able to do the same when my time comes.

Not very risible tonight, eh?