Boundaries and personal responsibility - where do you draw the line?
I've been in a situation for a while now that fills me daily with guilt. This post is going to be vague because of privacy issues, but I just need to get this out there in hope that there is someone reading my blog that can offer something. Advice? Permission? I don't know what I'm looking for here. I honestly don't. All I know is that there isn't anyone that I know in my life that would be able to relate to this on the same level.

As my regular readers (you know you're more than readers to me, right?) know, I volunteer with Hospice by making calls to family members of our patients who have passed on. In these calls, I assess how they're doing, let them know of our follow-up services, and I also provide an ear and a shoulder should they need it.

I'm going to admit something here that may sound shocking to some people, but I think it will help you to understand why my current situation is so difficult for me. I got into Hospice because I've always had issues with boundaries. I am the type of person that people lean on. And lean on. AND LEAN ON. I have never really learned how to shut it off properly. My usual M.O. is to dissapear from their life completely if they don't take subtle hints that I feel like I'm being used. I've been a magnet for emotional vampires as long as I can remember and these types of people don't seem to get the hint.

Hospice was perfect for me because I am able to give 110% of myself to someone, and not worry about how I'll 'escape' the situation if it gets out of control because the relationship naturally ends. When I make my phone calls, I am fully theirs. I think about them, sometimes for days or weeks, and wish them peace after I hang up the phone, but the relationship ends when I hang up the phone.

A very close friend of the family lost a family member a few months ago. Offensive things were said and done during the end of that persons life, but I chalked it up to emotions and stress. After the death, there were more offensive and hurtful things said and done. Sometimes to me, and sometimes to or about people I love. This person went on to become ill on top of losing a family member and became very needy. While I can completely understand why this person would become needy, the need was piled upon offensive and hurtful behavior. I tried to remedy the situation, but this person not only didn't understand what they did wrong, they accused me of untruthful things.

This person isolated themselves over the past few years, mainly because of their loved one's health. Because of the isolation, this person only had a few people left in their circle. My husband is part of that handful of people.

I am not in a situation where I can completely shut this person out of my life, due to the relationship they have with my husband. My husband feels obligated morally and emotionally to continue with the relationship even though he has also been the target of offensive behavior over the years. As his wife, it is my obligation to support my husband in the things that are important to him.

I'd made a deal with myself that as long as I had to be in this person's life, I would practice my 'boundary' skills whenever we were together. My plan was to always ask, "What was the intention behind that statement (or action)?", just so they'd be put on notice that I was not going to be a doormat or put up with offensive comments and behavior. It made me feel better to know that I was doing something to take care of myself and my loved ones, even if the other person didn't 'get it'.

In theory, this sounds great but I just can't seem to put it into practice because I cannot bring myself to make contact with this person. When I receive email from this person, I cannot offer anything personal. Just answers to questions, nothing more. I do not feel like sharing any details about my life. I don't share with people that I don't trust. As a Hospice volunteer I feel that it is my personal responsibility to use the things I know and have learned through Hospice whenever I'm called upon. I FEEL that I should put aside my anxiety and give this person what they seek.

As the imperfect human being that I am, I bristle and feel horrible guilt over the emails spouting off how 'kind' this person was or that person was to call them, adding "I know how busy you are, so even though I am lonely and needy I understand why you don't call or write".

I supposed I should talk to my Hospice bereavement counselor and ask her advice, but I'm embarrassed that I feel this way.

I don't want to feel this way.

RisibleGirl was blabbing on about another adventure on 07/11 at 04:36 PM

Go visit Einstein's blog!

  

Joker wrote:

Always the one to advice but i never follow it when it comes to myself and i end up being ground again into the dirt.
i dont see anything wrong in your putting up the boundary wall and sticking to the limits. You got yourself only to answer to...and above that your family to care for. so i guess its alright for you to prioritize that!!
Did i make sense here?


  

E wrote:

"You don't always have to be nice." That's what my counsellor told me last week. I can do 'not nice'...mostly at work when I have to (or to telemarketers lol). She also said it's ok to get angry, be mad at people and let them know it. I have trouble with that one, and I think for similar reasons that you do.

I understand. That's all I'm sayin'.
Hugs, RG. xox


  

Mama Mouse wrote:

But you DO feel that way .. and we can't always turn our feelings on and off. You are hurt .. you are feeling abused ... you are being forced to continue a relationship that you don't want to continue because you feel you must because of your husband.

These are the facts as I read them. First you have to know that I too am a victim of people leaning on me ... of using my shoulders to cry on ... and taking from me all that I can give and I very rarely get back that same effort. Also ... the only way it ends for me usually is to just cut the cord ... and end the relationship because I can no longer give anymore. I know what it is like!

I was forced into a relationship with my MIL for 38 years ... a woman I disliked immensely and whom my husband ALSO disliked. He would never let me tell her how we both felt ... even though I knew it would help all of us. He couldn't bring himself to do it ... and so for all those years we had a 'mock' relationship. She died last Christmas finally ending our/my torture. I found out she disliked me as much as I disliked her ... and as much as she disliked her own son, my husband.

I did it for all those years because I respect my husband and I do what he needs me to do and I do it out of extreme and devoted love.

I know why you chose hospice to give of yourself and your compassion ... and I have a good idea how hard your present situation is with this person. You have every right to feel and act as you do. The only permission you need to feel that way and to act that way is YOURS. You have to be able to accept that you aren't above the human condition.

I think speaking to her civily ... answering her questions responsibly ... and keeping a relationship with her if you to for your husband's sake, albeit a cool one ... is just fine. Don't feel that you have to be 'chummy' or offer more than an outsider would. If it is what you need to do ... then for goodness sakes don't feel bad about it. You need to be comfortable and happy TOO! You cannot ease EVERYONE'S suffering, physically or emotionally.

Talk to your husband ... let him know exactly how you feel if you haven't already. And let him know what you are willing to do so that he can keep this relationship ... and what you WILL NOT do.

My mother-in-law said really nasty and unfounded things in my presence about my husband .. totally unfounded things. Keeping a civil relationship for that long was difficult ... but I had him on my side and we agreed to dislike her, but to keep up the appearance of civility. I came out of it sane ... and at the end as I nursed her with the help of hospice ... I came to terms with it.

Guilt is a devastating thing ... do what you have to do ... love your husband ... but never feel guilty because you ARE human and human's are not perfect.

HUGS


  

k1 wrote:

Perhaps too much introspection is unhealthful. Know who you are. God knows, you give more of yourself than anyone I've ever known. Feel good about yourself, be confident, and let no one outside the circle of happiness you derive from within yourself shake that confidence. That's why it is important that we gel this confidence from within. You, my dear, go forward as a leader. Mean things are said by those petty individuals who have nothing bigger to think about.
In other words... eh, blow it off!

Spend more time looking without, than within. This world is as beautiful as you.

And that's pretty d--- beautiful!

K1


  

ED wrote:

Deep breath.
Let it go.
You don't want this woman in your life. Maintain the "civil" relationship you feel you have to, but beyond that, let it go.
She's mean, she's disrespectful, she hurts you, she uses your good nature against you.
Sickness does not mean automatic forgiveness.
My step father was a mean, mean man. He did horrible things to his sons. One of his sons refused to come to the funeral. Refused to have anything to do with him. I used to think it was an awful thing for a son to do. Then I realized that it was what he had to do, he had to maintain the seperation, the distance, for himself.
As was said before, you only have you.

And why? Why in the world are you feeling guilty? There are plenty of programs for her to go into to, there are plenty of people she could lean on! That is what support groups are for. Just because you do it does not mean you need to do it with her. Make her stand on her own. She's an adult. She's made her own choices, her own decisions. No one has forced her into isolation...


  

ComfortAddict wrote:

I know that you care about others deeply. In this case, however, you have to protect yourself emotionally. This person is abusing you. You don't deserve that and you needn't feel compelled to help.

I understand that your husband feels the need to continue the relationship. You can support his desire to help this person without participating yourself. I'm sure that he will also understand how painful it would be for you to get involved.

I am so sorry that you are suffering in this way. You are such a good and sensitive person. I'm sending healing thoughts your way. Just remember how many people you've helped (including me). I'm only an email away if you want to talk.


  

Mama Mouse wrote:

I hope you are feeling better about this and are able to face the situation with what you consider the proper way to handle it. I know its not easy ....

Hugs!


  

Phyllis wrote:

I'm thinking this falls under the category of "You can't control that person's behavior, just your reaction to it." The goal here appears to be to make you feel guilty, to again fall into the emotional trap this person lays--it's their MO, as best I can tell. You don't want deeper contact because you don't trust the person? Follow your instincts--that's why you have them.


  

KathyHowe wrote:

Here's my 2 (and a half bajillion) cents:

I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that you should support your husband and how he decides he wants to interact with this person.

On the flipside, he should support you and how YOU want to interact (or NOT interact) with this person.

That means, if he wants to help this person, visit them, etc, let him just knock himself out with getting to the verbal abuse this person is bound to dish in his direction.

Meanwhile, you stay home and have fun watching sappy movies and playing with the poolboy.

He's doing what he feels is right for him, you are doing what feels right for you, it's a win/win if you ask me.

Disrespect is not a syptom of grief or illness, it is a symptom of being an ass and I don't think that it is acceptable under any circumstances.


  

wlfldy wrote:

None of my business and first time visitor, don't really feel I have the right to butt in at all, but I'm gonna put my 2 cents in too.

People are responsible for thier own actions. No one else. If you treat people like dirt, you're going to be treated like dirt. Don't bother whining about it when you reach the moment you need someone that you've stepped on because you created your own problem. There's a reason for the golden rule.


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