Tomorrow, 12/31 is your birthday. It seems odd to me that I never knew when your birthday was until after you died. From now on, though, I will think about you and reflect on your life on this day.

I often wonder what it would be like if you were alive when I finally 'found' you. I wonder about the conversations we would have had. I'd like to think that you would have recognized in me the traits that are so like yours.


It's obvious that most of my physical traits come from you, as is evidenced by our picture at the same age. As I've gotten to know you better through your family- I am also so amazed at the similarities in personality.

I see us both as being huge risk takers, and I know exactly why we do it. We both have high IQs which enables us to figure out the things we need to do, to get from start to finish. So, armed with this knowledge, I know that there is not one thing I can't do, if I set my mind to it. It may not happen exactly as planned, and I might have to go back to the drawing board a few times, but the end result is that I've achieved what I wanted to achieve. I've proven it to myself over and over again, and when things don't work out right away it makes me work even harder. This side of my personality has served me well in my career, however there have been times that I couldn't see the light at the end of the path I'd set out for myself. I knew the light was there, somewhere, I just couldn't see it. I had to rely on faith in myself to keep going sometimes, even though that faith was just a shred.

I wonder if this trait we share, is the one that caused you to take that final step. Because I've painted myself into corners, due to my need prove I can do ANYTHING, I have to admit that I understand, almost too well, the emotional place that ended your journey here.

I think of all of the traits that we share, this is the one that is both a blessing and a curse. I will do my best to honor you by focusing on the positive and learn from you what could happen if I am not careful.

If he could, I'm sure that Casey would like to thank you for his hair. He thinks his hair is 'all that and a bag of chips', and it is obvious from looking at pictures that it came from you.


I think we can probably 'thank' you for the wiseacre side of Cameron's personality. OK, to be honest- that trait didn't skip a generation. I have it too.

I remember when I received this picture, how blown away I was at how much Cameron looks like you.


As I've received other pictures throughout the past 18 months, I see how much Casey looks like you too. The way you looked varied from picture to picture, so the similarities switch back and forth. One thing is for sure- you certainly had a strong set of genes.

This may sound strange, but I was really glad to hear that you were a good father to my half-sisters. I was told by my mother that you weren't in my life because you didn't like children, and I believed it. It was nice to hear that this wasn't the case at all. It was merely a set of circumstances that kept us from having a relationship.

I want you to know that I do not harbor any resentment about the fact that you were not in my life. I used to, just a little, before I understood the grand scheme of things. There is no doubt in my mind that everything happened the way it was supposed to.

My dad is, and always has been, an awesome dad to me. He's been my dad since I was five, but I honestly believe that he was ALWAYS meant to be my dad in the family lottery.

I cannot imagine, even for a minute, being in this world without my sister and my brother . If things would have worked out between you and my mother, I would have missed out on two people that have brought me a lot of joy and a sense of belonging. I know without a doubt that they were meant to be my siblings.

I have been blessed with all of this, and now I am blessed to have your family in my life. I've said it many times, but I need to say it again. It's as if I've always been a part of your family, and it boggles my mind that I've only known them less than two years.

Your mother, my grandmother, fills the one void that I've felt all of my life. Think about the odds that I'd meet your mother at the ripe old age of 92. It's pretty amazing, isn't it? The relationship I have with her is very special to me and I'd like to think that you're somewhere out there smiling about the joy both of us feel when we are on the phone together.

On your birthday, I can think of no better gift than to tell you that I am proud of the man that I've come to know through your family. I am proud of the fact that you are my father. I am proud that you were such a kind and gentle man, and seemed to want to take care of everyone around you. I think you'd be proud to know that these traits are things that my sons and I share as well. You've given the three of us many gifts- even though we've never met. Isn't that amazing? I sure think so.

Tomorrow night, I will step away from the guests, light a candle in your honor, and think about you for a while. I hope that somehow, wherever you are, you'll feel and understand the things I've been thinking. I just wish I could say them to you in person.