I'm one of those action oriented types. Give me a problem and watch me go! Don't make me plan it out. I don't need "no stinkin' plan" to get from point A to point B.

Yesterday I ordered my b-father's death certificate and I'm trying to locate his obituary. Since my original intent to find him not only about finding him, but also finding his family, the fact that he's no longer alive shouldn't stop my search.

His death certificate will give me information about how he died. It's not morbid curiosity, it's because of it being potentially due to complications from the same disorder I have. I'm hoping to see the words, "auto accident" on the death certificate, quite frankly. Sixty is awfully young.

I got one dead end on the obituary, but the county librarian said she'd research other papers for the week before and after the date of death, in case the information I have is wrong. The obituary is where I hope to find information about my b-siblings.

Since my father had such strong genes (I look just like him) I wonder what my sisters look like. I've always wondered what "me" looks like. There's also that whole debate about environment -vs- genes. Are they like me? My cousin, who I've just reunited with (shout out to kruzerone!) knew my father. My cousin is MUCH (snicker) older than me. He told me that my father was a very smart and determined type of man. His description of his personality sounds an awful lot like mine in regard to my business side. I don't know what kind of human being he was though. He sounded very passionate, but was he kind?

Here is a picture of my b-father and my mother on their wedding day. There is no denying I look like him. My oldest son has his identical face from the nose up. Same identical nose. It's kind of freaky actually, because I don't have that nose. I have his eyes, cheekbones, lips (or lack thereof) and I used to have those eyebrows. Ugggh.


I did briefly tell hubby about it, but played down how I felt about it. It was maybe a five minute conversation. That's very short considering all of the hours I've been thinking about it in the last two days. Really, after I figured out what it was that made me sad, it all made a whole lot more sense.

It's all about closure. Things I can no longer ask. I can't say that I loved this man, because I didn't even know him. I was curious about him, and very curious about his actions; or rather, lack of actions. I was curious as to whether what my mother has told me all along was true. Did he REALLY leave her when she became pregnant with me because he didn't want children? That would explain why he never made an effort to contact me. But it wouldn't explain why I have siblings.

So now I can only hope to find out these answers from any family that he may have left. Even if it is true, I don't think that finding out for sure is going to take any more of an emotional toll on me than it has over the past 45 years. It's something I've learned to believe. It would be really cool to find out that what I was lead to believe all these years was wrong. If not, well, no harm done.

There is family out there and I intend to find them. If they don't have the answers, that's fine. That's not why I'm searching.

Stay tuned...