I've been in a situation for a while now that fills me daily with guilt. This post is going to be vague because of privacy issues, but I just need to get this out there in hope that there is someone reading my blog that can offer something. Advice? Permission? I don't know what I'm looking for here. I honestly don't. All I know is that there isn't anyone that I know in my life that would be able to relate to this on the same level.

As my regular readers (you know you're more than readers to me, right?) know, I volunteer with Hospice by making calls to family members of our patients who have passed on. In these calls, I assess how they're doing, let them know of our follow-up services, and I also provide an ear and a shoulder should they need it.

I'm going to admit something here that may sound shocking to some people, but I think it will help you to understand why my current situation is so difficult for me. I got into Hospice because I've always had issues with boundaries. I am the type of person that people lean on. And lean on. AND LEAN ON. I have never really learned how to shut it off properly. My usual M.O. is to dissapear from their life completely if they don't take subtle hints that I feel like I'm being used. I've been a magnet for emotional vampires as long as I can remember and these types of people don't seem to get the hint.

Hospice was perfect for me because I am able to give 110% of myself to someone, and not worry about how I'll 'escape' the situation if it gets out of control because the relationship naturally ends. When I make my phone calls, I am fully theirs. I think about them, sometimes for days or weeks, and wish them peace after I hang up the phone, but the relationship ends when I hang up the phone.

A very close friend of the family lost a family member a few months ago. Offensive things were said and done during the end of that persons life, but I chalked it up to emotions and stress. After the death, there were more offensive and hurtful things said and done. Sometimes to me, and sometimes to or about people I love. This person went on to become ill on top of losing a family member and became very needy. While I can completely understand why this person would become needy, the need was piled upon offensive and hurtful behavior. I tried to remedy the situation, but this person not only didn't understand what they did wrong, they accused me of untruthful things.

This person isolated themselves over the past few years, mainly because of their loved one's health. Because of the isolation, this person only had a few people left in their circle. My husband is part of that handful of people.

I am not in a situation where I can completely shut this person out of my life, due to the relationship they have with my husband. My husband feels obligated morally and emotionally to continue with the relationship even though he has also been the target of offensive behavior over the years. As his wife, it is my obligation to support my husband in the things that are important to him.

I'd made a deal with myself that as long as I had to be in this person's life, I would practice my 'boundary' skills whenever we were together. My plan was to always ask, "What was the intention behind that statement (or action)?", just so they'd be put on notice that I was not going to be a doormat or put up with offensive comments and behavior. It made me feel better to know that I was doing something to take care of myself and my loved ones, even if the other person didn't 'get it'.

In theory, this sounds great but I just can't seem to put it into practice because I cannot bring myself to make contact with this person. When I receive email from this person, I cannot offer anything personal. Just answers to questions, nothing more. I do not feel like sharing any details about my life. I don't share with people that I don't trust. As a Hospice volunteer I feel that it is my personal responsibility to use the things I know and have learned through Hospice whenever I'm called upon. I FEEL that I should put aside my anxiety and give this person what they seek.

As the imperfect human being that I am, I bristle and feel horrible guilt over the emails spouting off how 'kind' this person was or that person was to call them, adding "I know how busy you are, so even though I am lonely and needy I understand why you don't call or write".

I supposed I should talk to my Hospice bereavement counselor and ask her advice, but I'm embarrassed that I feel this way.

I don't want to feel this way.