I visited one of my daily reads, Suburban Bliss, this morning and was prompted to write about the topic she posted last night. Actually I had already planned on writing about it and then was sure of it after reading her post. The timing was fascinating because I had a conversation with BJ about this very topic last night.

The timing is almost eery, really.

Like many women, I have had body image problems most of my life. Unfortunately, I've even been down the eating disorder path a time or two in my late teens and early adult years. I was so unhealthy that I was fainting in public places, but it didn't stop me. I was in the midst of one of those periods when I met my first husband. He met me at an unhealthy weight, but liked me like that.

When I became pregnant (almost days after we got married), I was still starving myself. Reality clicked in my head about what I was doing to my baby and I started eating. Instead of eating 'normally', I went the complete opposite direction and gained quite a bit of weight during that pregnancy. My ex-husband was clearly unhappy about this, but for the most part stayed off my back until after I had my firstborn.

Then I heard constant threats like, "if you don't lose that weight, I'm going to divorce you", etc. I lost a lot of it, but then got pregnant within 9 months of having my first son. I only gained about 15 lbs with that pregnancy, because I was unable to eat many things without becoming sick. I now wonder if it also wasn't psychological.

After my second son was born, I never really tried that hard to take the rest of the weight off. It was almost a battle of wills to me. I've written about our marital problems before, so won't rehash them again- but really, I didn't care enough to take off the rest of the weight.

After we divorced, I took all of it off. I'm sure it was mostly all about giving my ex-husband the finger, to be honest. But it also started the unhealthy eating patterns again.

Eventually, I got into another unhealthy relationship and started gaining weight again. I got up to a size 20, the biggest I'd ever been. Was I unconsiously trying to push him away? Perhaps.

Once I was out of that relationship, I started really working on myself- inside and out- and started losing weight again. This time, I was doing it slowly and correctly. No more meals of lettuce and popping dexitrim, which was my standard daily intake in previous weight loss methods.

When BJ met me, I was a size 16 and by the time we got married, I was a 14/16 depending on the brand. BJ didn't see the weight- he just liked me for *ME*. BJ has NEVER made an issue of my weight because it's just not that important to him. But it's important to me because of the old tapes repeating in my head, "I'll divorce you if you don't lose weight", even though I know for certain that BJ doesn't feel this way.

I quit working on losing weight after we got married because, well, I got lazy and had other things to focus on. When I got back up to a 16, I knew it was time to get back on track. There was NO way I'd ever allow myself to get bigger than I was when BJ and I met, even though he's been very clear with me that this doesn't matter.

But it matters to me....

I got back at it in September and I'm now down to a 12 and still going down. I'm eating (small) healthy meals and exercising. There is no doubt in my mind that I'll eventually take all the weight off and will stay that way because I'm doing it slowly and I think I have the right attitude this time. I think....

So, if you've gotten this far, I congratulate you- but now I'm on to the conversation of last night.

We were talking about self-esteem and things we do to make us feel good about ourselves.

Yeah- sometimes we like to yack about things instead of watch TV- something I hope never changes.

We're very much alike when it comes to how we pump up our self-esteem. Most of it is work-related. We're both very competitive and as long as we feel that we're the best at work, we feel very good about ourselves.

I then shared with him that even though *I* think I look OK, I wished I was someone he could show off. He stopped me in my tracks and told me that I *am* that person, and he's very proud of me. I do believe him and of course his opinion is what counts, but, what I meant was that I wanted everyone ELSE to think that.

Huh?

I'm thrilled that he likes the way I look and is proud of me. I look in the mirror and, quite frankly, also like the way that I look. My body doesn't bother me (anymore) and I'm still wrinkle free. tee hee. I also know that I'm an attractive ol' lady because of the attention that I receive.

I feel really good about myself, unless I'm in a situation where I feel I'm 'representing' my husband.

I usually feel that I'm 'representing' him around guys (friends or employees) who have young, cute wives. Is it the competitive side of me rearing its ugly head? I'm 46 and can't roll back the years, nor would I want to. I'd gladly keep the wisdom (and sanity!) I have gained, over that unhealthy person I was years ago.

So, what is it about 'representing my husband' that changes how I feel about myself? Old tapes? Society? What is it?

(PS- congratulations for making it to the end of this.... )