Wow, I feel like I've been SO out of touch after my laptop went kaput. It's taken me until this morning to get everything in working order. I still have a couple of things that I need to tweak, but I'm not going to worry about it for a while. Instead, I shall write and read. Two of my favorite things to do.

Last night I had a very disturbing dream and I'm still having a hard time shaking it.

This dream took me back in time to when my boys were five and six years old. The circumstances in the dream were similar enough to what really happened, so when I woke out of the dream I was pretty shaken up. It was as if I was right back in that emotionally scary and vulnerable place I was back then.

In this dream, I was at my parent's house. Michael (my bro') and Heidi (my sis) were there as well as my oldest son. I think it was a holiday. My youngest son was on an errand with my ex-husband (whom I was still married to in this dream). I was standing in the kitchen making something, when my youngest walked in without his dad. I asked him where his dad was, and he said that his dad was with his (and then he stopped mid-sentence).

I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I did back then in real life, and I asked my youngest to please tell me- even if it was a secret.

I finally got the information out of him, that his dad was with one of his girlfriends.

Then the dream just started unraveling and fast-forwarding to the point where I realized that my ex-husband was never coming back and I was left with these two small boys and no money. I had a job, but my ex had cleaned out the checking and savings accounts and left bills unpaid for at least two months. All of this really happened and I felt just as desperate in my dream as I did in real life.

I can still feel the panic as I write this.

In my dream, I asked my family (including my brother) if we could live with them until I was on my feet. They all said no. I asked my sister if she'd be OK if I moved into the same apartment complex as she did. She declined as well, adding that it'd be inconvenient because I'd probably ask her to babysit. In real life, NONE of this happened, nor would it. For one, I'd of never asked because I was Just.That.Stubborn and independent. But in my dream I DID ask and was declined, then felt completely helpless and hopeless.

Just as hopeless as I did in real life.

In my dream, I told the boys that we'd have to move into a smaller place and they'd have to get rid of all of their toys so everything would fit. That just killed me, but even at their young age they understood that they'd have to make sacrifices and were willing to do it. It was then that I woke up, literally crying.

I was crying because these young children of mine had to makes sacrifices for their dad's selfish act(s), and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

I honestly feel that I've forgiven my ex-husband long ago for these things that he did, but dreams like this make me truly wonder. Perhaps it's that I've forgiven him for what he did to me, but haven't forgiven him for how my (OK, our) two boys were affected.

I also wonder why I'm having this dream now? What is this dream trying to tell me? Even more curious; what has been going on that has prompted this dream?

As I sit this morning and think about it, I think that this is one of my core issues. I have no problem forgiving people for what they do to me, but forgiving them for what they do to people I love is another story.

Is it even really my place? And why am I so easy to forgive trespasses against me?

It looks like I have some pondering to do.

Stay tuned.