Here's where I'm going to get a little introspective, if you don't mind. These thoughts all started with something someone with post concussion syndrome wrote to me. It was like someone hit me over the head with a frying pan- it hit me THAT hard. (ha, I need to watch my analogies....)

She wrote:

I just felt it was really important to let you know - good grief - what!!! The feelings are there, but I can't get the words! Anyway - very quickly as I am at work - my biggest problems have been from pushing myself - soldiering on etc and not making allowances for the on going symptoms. I carried on so much that I literally fell over. The psychologist that I am seeing now says that with my personality type - and you sound like me - has the worst problems with dealing with PCS. Like "I will keep going until I finish this, I'm lazy if I have a rest, I don't like asking for help because I used to be able to do it and all the rest of that kind of "stuff" "

I think that how you cope with this at the beginning has a huge effect on the end result. At least you know early that it is PCS and can go easy on yourself - I won't want you being like I am now 6 years on. I also don't want to scare you, but please please don't push yourself - be kind to yourself and I do know that it is like the reverse of all our ingrained habits!!

I wrote back to her telling her that she hit the nail on the head. I am exactly like that and more. I wrote that I am an overachiever, take pride in how much I'm able to accomplish, and am always being told to slow down. I have to admit that I've always taken my ability to do anything placed before me for granted.

I told her that now I feel like wearing a sign, "I *USED* to be smart" or "I *USED* to be able to talk in front of large crowds without a worry"... "I *USED* to have tons of energy."

She then wrote:

I WAS a perfectionist, workaholic who was picky, critical, inpatient, always looked immaculate, had the perfect house, husband, son and daughter,and golden retriever and was and still am (on my good days and when I am not tired) reasonably/very intelligent. I could try anything and be able to do it and do it very well and easily. !!!! I have now come to realize what I had and what I have lost. (the husband is included in what I have lost). I am always saying I used to be able to do this - that whatever - work 8 hours, have 20 people for barbeque, play interclub tennis, sew fantastic clothes - on and on. I now can work 3 hour days, have 2 people for a barbeque, don't sew - sewing is stressful in fact any surprises are stressful - impromptu does not exist any more for me. As a result I think I could be a nicer person - I am now far more tolerant, but do get annoyed with people who have got all day to do something and make so little effort. I have found out who my true friends are - they don't care if I can't go out, have a sleep during the day or have an untidy house (I hate having an untidy house but then it only seems to bother me). Have to go, haven't checked this for spelling grammar whatever so excuse me! Oh - my psychologist said that on my grave stone it would have "she always coped" - that because I have not yet been able to sit down and cry and won't ask for help!

Do you see why I'm starting to realize that this is THAT lesson? You know the one that I keep writing in my blog that I need to learn to quit pushing myself so hard. The one where my family tells me to not kill myself at work; the one where my friends (that includes you all) tell me to be kind to myself. The one where my own bosses tell me to quit working so hard?

Y'all know that list of rules that I've published here a time or two. Read it again if you have the time. Especially rules four and five:

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

The humorist in me thinks this whole thing is rather ironic. "What will it take to learn this lesson? Do you have to be hit over the head?"

I hope, hope, hope that I can put myself in that mindspace to be kind to myself and give myself permission to be human. I can't imagine (knock wood) that I'd need a bigger lesson than this. Maybe I should hang this post on my bathroom mirror where I can look at it every day. Maybe I can change. I will try.

Baby steps....