Searching for Roots

My half-sister (sheesh, I really hate that term. I'm going to have to figure out something else!) emailed two messages to me today; one with pictures of herself and her family. She has a beautiful family. The pictures weren't very close up, and so I strained and strained to see some sort of resemblence. I didn't see anything familiar, but I did see very friendly faces.

She told me about her family, what the kids are doing and what she likes to do. That was really great to read and it helped to get to know her a little better. She seems like a really, really nice person.

The other email told me more about our father and she included lots of pictures of him. The first picture I opened, I could have sworn was my oldest son. It literally stunned me. He even had a goatee and sideburns in the picture just like my son has now. I scoured over each picture and with each picture I could see that he looked like a really fun and, more importantly, a nice man.

My cousin K1 was right when he wrote to me after looking at an old photo, "Look into his eyes in that photo... you can tell a lot about him just by studying that photo."

She told me more about our father that made me very wistful. Everything I'd been told all my life was a lie. I believe every word she wrote to me. I've asked her if I can share parts of her email here on my blog, and I will wait until I receive permission from her. Even though I didn't know this man, I'm starting to feel pride in the fact that I share in this gene pool. He's the type of person I'd be drawn to; passionate, kind and funny.

At the same time, I feel sad that I never had the opportunity to learn these things about him for myself. This is where the upside-down title comes from. I used to not care about the fact that I didn't know him, because of what I was lead to believe. Now I wish I'd of known him because of what I'm learning. It's difficult to rationalize how I'm feeling. I suppose feelings aren't supposed to be rational, right?

I'm afraid that you all are going to have to bear with me for a while while I sort through all of this.

On another note, I have another HOLY COW I'll be sharing in a few days. I'm waiting until announcements have been made to the appropriate parties before I blog about it.

...and no, I'm not pregnant.

I had planned to work all weekend because I have a HUGE project I'll need to start on next week. I need to finish two training projects before that project and my plan was to tie it all up this weekend.

Do you think I can concentrate? That'd be a big fat NO. I've only been able to work on my project in bits and pieces because my brain is so jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I've been composing a letter with pictures to my grandmother and plan to mail that off on Monday or Tuesday. I've also been talking to my sister and husband, and a bit to my mother about it. But mostly I've just been trying to process the whole thing in my head.

Being the internet sleuth that I am, I tracked down my half-sister's phone number even though it appears to be unlisted. I called her late this afternoon and we had a wonderful chat. I felt comfortable with her instantly and I think she felt the same way. I can imagine being called by someone you barely knew existed would be quite a shock, but she was so gracious about it. She said she didn't know I existed until my aunt told her about me right after my b-fathers funeral.

We are almost exactly two years apart, with our birthdays being only 4 days from each other. The other half-sister is four years younger than me.

We verbally compared our features over the phone. The youngest sister and I both have dark curly hair just like my b-father. This sister has lighter brown straight hair. They have blue eyes, and I have green eyes. My b-father had blue eyes. She said that the younger sister has a son that looks just like my b-father. I have a son that looks like my b-father. It'll be interesting to compare their pictures.

I've been so curious about the father I never knew, but I've also been curious about rest of the family. It looks like I'll get the opportunity to get to know them and add them to the people I call family.

It's funny.... I used to feel guilty about wanting to track down my b-father. I felt like it was being disloyal to my dad. Now I have the same feelings about connecting with my half-sisters because it feels sort of disloyal to my sister and brothers. I know that they understand and would do the same thing in my shoes. It's not like I'm trying to replace them. Everyone who reads my blog knows how much I adore my siblings.

I've sent off an email full of pictures and links to my half-sister. I'm looking forward so seeing the information she sends me.

Can I say it again?

WOW.

(going back to work now)

Several times a day since Friday, subconscious thoughts come bubbling to the surface. I find myself saying out loud, "Wow, I have a whole other family out there". It's still very surreal.

Being the introspective person that I am (sorry cuz- it's just who I am), I keep wondering about the timing. Why now?

In a way, I'm really glad that I didn't find my biological father while he was alive. I'm not sure I could have handled knowing him and then losing him to such a horrible violent death. Maybe this is why I was unable to ever find him. Maybe I was not meant to experience that because I'm awfully tender hearted. Who knows what that would have done to me.

I'll still have an opportunity to know him through the stories that I'll hear from his mother, brother and sisters and hopefully through my two half-sisters. My aunt told me that he had a really great laugh. For some reason, just that thought alone makes me smile. Laughter is one of my favorite sounds.

I'm so glad that I'll get to meet my grandmother before she's gone. 92 years old. Wow. I hope that gene pool runs strong.

Again, WOW. I have a whole other family out there.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I've always wanted this day to happen, I just never thought it would.

Rather than go through the long history of my search, I'll refer new readers back to these posts:

• Where I explain my search and find out that my biological father is dead


• Where I order his death certificate and talk about why I'm continuing the search


• Where I received the death certificate and found out that my biological father had committed suicide

There. Now you're pretty much caught up.

Since that time I've:

1. emailed the library system in the county where he lived and asked them to try and find his obituary. They really did try to be helpful and even looked in adjacent counties, but nothing.


2. emailed the library system from the town his family used lived to see if there was an obit there. No luck there either.


3. called the funeral home where he was taken after he died to see if anyone picked up his ashes. They said that they couldn't provide me with that information because it was confidential.

I then gave it a rest for a couple of months because I was discouraged.

Last night, I emailed Shelle, the wonderful woman who voluntarily gave me the information about my father after I'd signed up at registry.adoption.com. I asked her if she could help me find my half-siblings and any other living relatives of my b-father. She replied back asking me for information from my b-father's death certificate. Within an hour of giving her this information, she sent me a whole lot of info including this:

**************************************************************************
HEY!!!!!

Give your G'ma a call:
[grandmothers name]
[grandmother's address]
[grandmother's phone number]

AHHHH! Let me know as soon as you get ahold of her and what she says. Remember she is about 92 years old.
**************************************************************************

I picked up the phone and dialed the number. It was busy.

tap... tap... tap....

I dialed again about 15 minutes later. It was ringing. That's when I started shaking.

Then a woman answered.

Me: May I speak with [grandmother's name]?
Woman: She's sleeping right now, this is her daughter [aunt's name]. Can I help you?"
Me: Well, I'll bet you'll talk to me. I'm Lori, [father's name] first child.
Aunt: Praise Jesus!

Then she talked so fast and we talked so fast that I don't remember much about the conversation except a few sketchy details. I'll just bullet point the parts I can remember:

• I have two half-sisters who live in Florida. She gave me the name and address of one of them, she didn't have the address of the other.


• She wanted me to fly to see them TODAY.


• My grandmother is very active physically and mentally, although she fell a few weeks ago and broke her shoulder.


• She's wondered about me all these years and didn't know where to find me (my Dad adopted me and I took his name)

Then she said that she heard my grandmother shuffling around and was going to put her on the phone. I heard her say, "Mom, there is someone who wants to talk to you. You'd better sit down for this. She's a long lost loved one".

My grandmother got on the phone and I told her who I was. She was silent for a few moments (and I'm sure quite stunned!). Then we talked. This conversation is somewhat of a blur to me as well. She kept saying that she couldn't believe it. She wanted to know about me and how I was doing. I told her that I had two sons who share many of the same physical traits as my b-father and that broke her up a bit. I know there's more, but I think I was in a little bit of shock because I never thought this day would happen.

I told her that I'd fly out there as soon as I could. I have a huge project at work that I need to concentrate on (yeah, I know what *should* come first, but I've made a commitment). I think it'll probably be the first of September or the end of August.

My aunt got back on the phone and gave me her email address and said that as soon as she goes back home she'll pass on the information that I send her to the rest of the family. She just happened to be visiting when I called. We exchanged addresses and phone numbers. Before I hung up she told me to rest up before I get there because we have a lot to catch up on.

She's right about that!

I emailed her with pictures of me and my boys. I also gave her the URL for my wedding site (which includes a movie of my wedding). I've not given her my blog address. While I believe that this would be a good way to catch up with who I am and what I'm about, I'm not quite ready to be that 'exposed'.

I found an email address for the husband of one of my half-sisters by doing a search on the Internet and asked him to pass my information along so we can touch base. Their phone number is unlisted. Sending a letter via snail mail seems so, so, S-L-O-W! But if I don't hear something in the next couple of days, I'll do that. I do not have any information on my other half-sister. I'm sure it's just a matter of time...

I'll also send my grandmother pictures via snail mail. I'm sure she's quite curious about what we (me and my boys) look like.

This all seems so surreal right now.

Thank you Shelle. You've changed my life.

I imagined several scenarios that I might read as cause of death on my father's certificate of death. Suicide wasn't one of them. My father died of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.

My manager told me that I could leave work early today for the holiday weekend, and BJ had the day off. So after work we went to the grocery store to pick up items we'd need to host our dinner tomorrow. I asked BJ if he wouldn't mind if we stopped at the post office on our way home. Now I'm regretting that decision because he had to witness my reaction when I read those words on the certificate of death.

I shouldn't have opened the envelope until I was alone, but I'd waited so long for this. I ordered the death certificate when I found out about his death on February 23rd. I got a call from the office of vital statistics two weeks ago that they had mailed it to the wrong address, so they sent it again. I was at work at the time that they called and am very glad that I resisted the temptation to ask them what it said.

BJ just lost his dad on February 7th, and so I sit here feeling so guilty about my reaction. His dad was his best friend; I didn't know my father. Yet I burst into tears and I'm still struggling really hard to keep it in.

When I first looked at the certificate of death, all I saw was that the place of injury was a vehicle. For an instant I was relieved that he died in an auto accident. I've been afraid to read that he died of emphysema or liver failure; both being complications of a heriditary disorder that I have. Then I saw gunshot to the head. Decedent shot himself. It literally took my breath away and I felt as if someone had punched me in the throat.

Instantly my brain was flooded with the image of a very sad man; a man feeling so hopeless that he put a gun to his head and shot himself. My brain even took me down the road of the aftermath. I can't turn it off. I also can't turn off the guilt about not trying harder to find him. I'll never know what made him so sad.

My mind is so jumbled with emotions that I can't quite sort out. I'm feeling confused and very very sad. I'm sad that another human being, who happens to have given me half of my genes felt so hopeless that he decided to end his life.

I feel as if I was completely sideswiped by this. I honestly don't know anyone who could possibly understand how I feel right now. Who would be able to say that they've had this experience so they could explain why I'm so sad about a man I never knew? I'm in a very lonely place.