I've been telling family and friends that I can only deal with one thing at a time. Some of it is work-related (because I can't take a lot of time off right now), but most of it is that I hate medical stuff. For someone who has so many things going on, hating medical stuff is probably not a good thing. I haven't seen my PCP in over two years. I have all kinds of annual stuff I need to take care of piling up.

My dental stuff for this year will be finished in two weeks. I'm going to wait to finish up the last of it until I have more insurance benefits at my disposal. I'm going to postpone the jaw surgery until next year (if I decide to do it at all. Maybe I'll just eat soft food the rest of my life.)

Yesterday was a very strong reminder that I need to get back to the cardiologist. I've been meaning to do it for several months now, and even more-so after seeing the feedback from the sports heart monitor I'm wearing when I'm exercising. My heart rate is erratic and it's disconcerting.

I didn't want to go back to my previous cardiologist because he blamed me IN A VERY LOUD AND MEAN WAY for not listening to my body. He made me feel ashamed that I can't feel my body signals. I think that not feeling my body signals has been helpful with the pain issues, but I can't help it that I don't feel the tachycardia coming on (though I sure did yesterday!), and no amount of pointing fingers at me is going to change that. Doctors intimidate me and when I'm intimidated, I avoid.

I'm switching to BJ's cardiologist because he's done such a good job in fixing up BJ. BJ's only beef with him is that he harps on weight loss. That's fine with me since I'm actively working on that.

Anywhocares- my appointment is a week from Friday.

...so far, anyway.

I'm getting toward the end of my mouth repair from the fall of 12/08. I hope so, anyway- though the dentist said we could see problems for up to five years.

Today I was scheduled for six crowns at a time- some new, some replacing old because the teeth were cracked underneath.

This required a lot of Novocaine (or whatever dentists use these days.) Within minutes of having my mouth shot full of Novocaine, my heart started racing and I started shivering uncontrollably. I started crying out of nowhere and worked really hard to stop myself. My whole body felt completely out of my control. It was HORRIBLE. I was trying to maintain my cool, but it was difficult.

The dental assistant called for the dentist and they stayed with me until the worst was over- about 15-20 minutes. He told me that the stuff they use has epinephrine in it and he used a lot of it today and then related it to the scene in Pulp Fiction where they jab a shot of the stuff into someone's heart to get it started. NICE IMAGE, Doc!

My heart kept going through cycles of racing after that. I was laying in the dentist chair the whole time thinking I should probably go to the hospital. I'm glad I kept my cool though because it did eventually become less and less horrible. I'm still having some issues, but it's better than it was.

The dentist said he won't be using that on me again, he'll use something doesn't have epinephrine in it, but is less effective . Right now I don't even care if I have ANY numbing stuff. I never want to go through that ever again.

Not to sound even MORE dramatic, but I think I've just had my first glimpse of what a heart attack might feel like.

I listen to my iTunes music while walking around the lake, hood, etc. It's on random play, so I never know what's up next. Every time I hear this song, I get teary-eyed and stop in my tracks because I cannot listen to it without thinking about 9/11. It's almost as if it was written after the horrible event that day.

I'm glad for the reminder, so I can say a prayer for those who lost someone or became horribly traumatized from the tragedy.

I wish I could find the original author of this quote so I could give credit, but I can't track her (I'm sure it's a her!) down. Anyway, here you go- the Quote Of The Day:

"In life, think of mean people like sand paper. They may scratch you and hurt you, but at the end, you come out smooth and polished and the mean person is just worn and ugly."
~Unknown (until I figure it out!)

I suppose you could think of hardships in life that way as well, in which case I thank the hardships I've had because I feel pretty dadgum polished.

I'm studying Buddhism in my spare time and am finding myself nodding my head a lot as I read. Though Buddhism is not a religion per se, many of the principles are universal to most religions, so what I'm reading seems familiar and comfortable to me. So far, I like what I'm reading and learning and much of it sums up nicely my own belief system. Especially the life after death stuff and why we're here on this earth.

My favorite quote today:

Before enlightnment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightnment, chop wood, carry water.
~Zen proverb

Aside from making me giggle, this quote reminds me to stay humble, and can be applied to any sort of education. We're here on earth to learn, but being enlightened (I'm not claiming to be enlightened, by the way) doesn't make me any more special than the next guy. It just helps me to understand circumstances differently than the average Joe. I still have to trudge through life just like everyone else.

Bummer, dude.