My loved one and I talked yesterday and he's still 'confused'. I'd planned for that, so was disappointed, but not surprised.

I'm worried about his visit here, especially after our conversation last night. Thankfully it sounds like I have a couple of weeks in therapy to prepare for his visit due to some legal matters he needs to attend to in NYC.

He has an appointment with "two attorneys who are fighting over the opportunity to sue the hospital for committing him" (quoting, obviously) on Tuesday. Ugh. 

I asked him why he thought that was appropriate, because clearly he needed help. Long, confusing explanation ensued. He tried telling me that the delusions stopped before he ended up in NYC, and all he really needed was a good night's sleep.

It's more and more clear to me that he's starting to try to compartmentalize so he can appear "OK". I am able to stand back at a distance and see how he's trying to put his puzzle back together so he can go back to his version of normal.

It's all so sad to me.

I told The Hubs last night, after talking to my loved one, that I won't allow anyone to disrupt our home, and I mean it. I'm going to treat it like a bandaid if it starts to happen. I'll quickly rip it off and then work even harder on not trying to "save" him from his loneliness and feelings of abandonment. I know that if I do this, I'll probably never see him again because he won't trust me that I have his back. I can't even fathom that right now.

The idea that he could cut me off because I can't buy into what he perceives to be reality is really hard for me to handle at this point in time. Having someone I love "out there" not knowing if he's OK or homeless, or whatever the mind can imagine isn't something I'm ready to deal with. I realize that this might be the way this story ends, so I need to work on getting to the point where I CAN handle it. 

Last night I was in a really, really low place. Sometimes I feel like I'm just out there swinging in the wind with no soft place to land. I was REALLY feeling that way last night, but am a tiny bit better today.

It's very lonely being in my shoes because I know I'm handling this wrong. The people around me tell me that I'm doing the wrong thing (by wanting to be by his side), and so I no longer feel a safety net underneath me. How can I ask for support from people who tell me that I'm doing the wrong thing?

I can't. It's not fair to them. It's like an alcoholic asking their family to go buy them alcohol and pour the drinks.

I wish that I had a button for my heart that I could push when I need to stop trying and caring. Just for a little while, you know?

Keeping this letter because it means so much to me. The rest is in the private posts because it's very personal. I just want it 'somewhere' where I can find it again.

He called me from a very noisy McDonalds!!!! He said that there is NO quiet place in NYC. Surprised? I didn't think so. That's why NYC is not my kind of place. Damn! Now I have that "My kind of town" song about Chicago (which is NOT NYC) in my head. Bleh.

My loved one has been reading his email now that he's out. He hasn't read any email since the end of January, so there is lots of email in his inbox from yours truly about "please get help" and other stuff. He wasn't answering his phone at the time and had his answering machine off. I had no other way to reach him, except for driving out there (which I did... ).

I'm sure all of the email in his inbox is very hard for him to read, now that his head is more clear. He tried to apologize to me, but I told him that he was forgiven long before he even thought of apologizing. It felt so good to have that exchange and I meant every word of it.

He's also now looking into the possibility that someone I refer to as "Crazy Mushroom Neighbor Lady" might have given him something without his knowledge. I told him that I’m glad he’s looking into this because she made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck from the moment I had first contact with her. I’d mentioned in a couple emails early on in the episode that I was suspicious of her motives and what she might have given him without his knowledge.

She's truly a nutcase (I probably should be more PC about that term, huh?) and she caused a LOT of stress for me. Among other things, she has threatened to sue me for all of this. Yep. She's out of her mind.

As soon as my loved one ties stuff up in NYC, he’s going to come here to stay a while to get his ducks in a row. I feel comfortable with that because the last two conversations I’ve had with him have seemed like my loved one. He told me that he’s setting stuff up so he can continue to follow up with the psychiatrist that his hospital psychiatrist recommended and continue to take the medication he was prescribed because he promised that he would.

I believe him.

I have good feelings about his prognosis now and I'm throwing 99% of my eggs into that basket. He sounded good a couple of days ago, but sounds even better today. I'm putting positive energy out there that this trend continues. It would be awesome if all this was a really bad mushroom trip (again, not something he did on purpose. My loved one isn't in to that sort of thing.) I'm not going to be naive about it though.... I'm pretty sure that he was tested for that possibility. I'm not sure how long that stays in the system enough to be caught by testing, but I was told that the effects of certain psychedelic mushrooms can be VERY long lasting.

I *want* it to be that because then I don't have to worry about my loved one having a relapse. I'd love to think that no more Crazy Mushroom Neighbor Lady = life is back to what we once knew.

.....Or an even better version, actually.

I just got off the phone with my loved one. He'll be released tomorrow.

He allowed me to talk to his psychiatrist and that really helped me feel better about his release. His psychiatrist feels that once he's on the right levels of meds, the delusional thinking will start to clear. I was concerned about that because I know that my loved one doesn't like the way the meds 'dull' his thinking. I thought for sure he'd go off them the moment he's released and we'd be back to square one.

Nope. All he wants is a cigarette. Puff Puff. He's smoked since he was 17 or so and that's a lot of years of smoking to have to quit cold turkey.

Anywhooo- I asked my loved one what his plan was after he is released. I wanted to make sure that he wasn't heading out the door to parts unknown. He's already set up with outpatient care, and has two nights in a outpatient hotel reserved. He said that once he's out, he'll make more solid plans. It sounds like he has no intention of going off his meds because he said he's not yet at the right level. He told me not to worry about him because he's resourceful.

I have no doubt about that.

Our conversation was really hopeful to me, but I'm afraid I'm being unrealistic. When I'm hopeful, I'm very passionately hopeful. If that's not a set up for disappointment, I don't know what is. But I am going to be hopeful anyway. He had some solid logical thinking, including wondering how much back rent he owes. Last week, he believed he owned the whole park. THIS is a step in the right direction. He also wondered how much he owes on a piece of property he's buying. Last week, he thought he'd paid it all off. Again, step in the right direction.

He even said something that made me question him, "Am I hearing you say that you're willing to consider the possibility that none of this has been real?" He said he is 'pretty sure' it's real, but he'll know for sure once he's out and can check his accounts and make a few phone calls.

I'm sad for him, in advance, for when he finds out that none of this was real and that he's not going to be able to go home and enjoy the same relationships he had before. He lives in a small town and small towns don't forget this sort of thing.

It took quite a while for the hallucinations clear out of my head when I had the allergic reaction to demerol. I know it's not the same thing, but I'm praying in earnest that the clouds are starting to part and I'll have 1.0 version back.

I miss him.

I received a call from an attorney last Friday letting me know that my loved one has hired him to get him out of the psych ward in NYC. I told the attorney that I wasn't a big fan of my loved one being out of anywhere because he's still delusional. Firmly.

He sounds perfectly lucid, until he starts talking about the delusions. Then, unless you believe in magic, you realize that he has not budged a bit in his thinking. Unfortunately, he can 'hold' the lucid for as long as he needs to. I said that I was concerned that he'd be out on the streets and get himself in trouble because of the things he believes AND how he goes about proselytizing those beliefs. It truly frightens me.

I hadn't heard anything else until last night. The attorney called again and said that he just wanted me to know that he was going to have my loved one out of there by Wednesday or Thursday (tomorrow or day after.) They're just waiting for the court hearing. He said that he's sure my loved one has delusions, but he doesn't belong where he is. He's better off in a VA outpatient type of situation. He described horrible conditions of where my loved one is, and said that he thinks the psychiatrist is just keeping him there because my loved one is enjoyable to be around and is probably the easiest and most compliant patient he's ever had.

I believe that my loved one is very enjoyable to be around. He's very charming and a good conversationalist. I have a hard time believing that a psychiatrist is keeping someone locked up against their will just so they have someone fun to talk to. That just doesn't sit right with me.

I called my loved one after talking to the attorney. I'd just sent him a care package yesterday filled with books, two seasons of his favorite show on DVD, some motorcycle magazines and most important- a monkey snuggee. I wanted to let him know that stuff was on the way to him, whether he stays or goes.

We talked for about 45 minutes and in that conversation I found out that someone on the ward conked him over the head with a broom handle and then tried to stab him with it. Is that true? I don't know! I don't want it to be true, but I've never been in a place like that, and my loved one is saying lots of stuff that he 'believes' happened or will happen that can't possibly be true. I don't know what's true. He said he was going to save me the staple that's in his head, so I think it might be true. Gosh that makes me sad. How frightening that must be to be in a place where that can happen.

My loved one asked me to call his landlord today to get a feeling of what might happen if he shows back up in his town and then report back to him. I told him I would, but I can feel the stress bubbles all over my body at the thought. His landlord is a really nice man and has been very kind to me. I think I'm just having an "allergic reaction" to making phone calls for my loved one. Each time, it's been an unpleasant surprise.

I don't want my loved one locked there if he doesn't belong there. I really want to talk to his psychiatrist and see what is REALLY going on, but my loved one has invoked his HIPAA rights so I'm in the dark. They are treating him (according to my loved one) for bipolor, but that doesn't do much for delusional thinking. At least, that's how it seems on this end. My loved one doesn't feel like he is bipolar, so I'm going to make a prediction. As soon as he's released, he'll stop taking the meds.

We talked about therapy. He said that part of it has been good because he's able to talk about things he's never talked about with a professional. Some things he hasn't even talked about with me, like things that happened while he was in the military. PTSD is certainly on the table for both childhood AND military.

I had to be honest with him and tell him that I thought he was still having delusional thinking, but in order for me to not be 'the enemy', I said that it could be that I just don't understand. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but I had to do what felt best in my heart. I don't think me believing or not believing him is going to change what he believes, to be honest. I'll never tell him that I believe this stuff, but I can soften it a little. I also shared with him that I know how 'REAL' delusional thinking can be, based on my experience of when I had a reaction to demerol in the hospital about 15 years ago. I started hallucinating and you could NOT convince me that the balloons were simply balloons and not murderous clowns. I was also afraid to go to the bathroom because I thought the bathroom was the portal to the middle of the earth (yes, yes, I did!) and so I held on to those bars on the wall on each side of the toilet with all my might, just in case the floor started to cave in. This went on for a couple of days before I told the nurse that I was afraid to go to the bathroom and why. I can STILL to this day remember how real that was in my head. I think that experience really helped me to understand how, in the right circumstances, someone could believe that this stuff could be real. It certainly was for me, as wacky as it sounds to me now.

I need to build a fort around my emotions for the next while. It could be rough if we're back in the territory of not knowing what to expect with each phone call. The best defense is to not answer my phone and let stuff go to voicemail so I don't have to worry about making quick reactions and decisions. In situations like this, speed is not my friend. I need to write about it and ponder.

My loved one has certain dates that his "seeds" will activate. April 15th is supposed to be the 'big one'. I'd like to tell myself that once he sees that nothing happened, he'll say to himself, "wow- what was I thinking?" , but enough evidence points to the contrary.

I hate to even allow this thought out of my head, but I fear that this will never end.