Have I mentioned how great therapy is? It's great! Especially having a great fit for a counselor.

Today we spent some time talking about a situation I have with one of my clients. I'm pretty darned sure this place is client-free (except my pal, who was my pal+ at WaMu too), but I'll still be careful in how I word things.

So, I've been with one of my clients for 2.5 years. It's a GREAT gig. I love the stuff I get to do and I like MOST of the people I work with.

The problem is that I am treated like an employee, not a contractor. So what? Well, here's what.... there's a gossiper/Negative Nelly among the group and I've been cornered in conference rooms, on the phone and other uncomfortable places. Why? Because I'm a good listener.

This is what we spent time on today in therapy. How to get OUT of a situation I've allowed for 2.5 years- being on the receiving end of negativity and gossip about people who are directly responsible for my paycheck. I've let it go on because I didn't know how to say, "Hey! This is not what I want or need to be talking about." Instead, I just sit silent and captive. I don't want to participate in that anymore, even passively (not making comments, just listening.)

My therapist told me that she's not surprised that I get stuck in these sorts of situations because she can see that my good listening skills are a gift and I give out the "friendly and I care" vibe. She told me that this gift is something that not many people have and I need to look at it as such.

I get to decide who does, and who doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of that gift. I've never looked at it that way before.

We laughed about some of the situations I've been in, like listening to perfect strangers barf out their life history to me. OK- that sounded kind of rude, but it's true. It's almost like I have a sign on my forehead that reads, "hey- I don't know you, but I want to know every. little. thing about you. Don't worry, I'm in no hurry- go ahead and tell me all of your problems instead of handing over the 1/2 pound of sliced turkey, deli lady!"

I've gone through more hair stylists than I can count because eventually it turns into, "Let's use Lori as our personal counselor for all the drama in our lives." Sitting through three hours of that was torture (drama word!)- so much that I eventually started cutting and coloring my own hair. Thankfully, I set up the 'rules' with my current hair stylist (going on four years now, I think!) and now we're friends. She's not a drama queen, so even better!

If you're my friend or family, don't read anything into this. If I've invited you to talk to me on the phone, I MEAN it. If I've opened up the conversation to talk about your problems, I MEAN it! Don't shy away because of what I'm writing here. Trust me, if I didn't want to talk to you, I'd find a way to avoid you- - - I'm pretty good at that.

I can't, however, avoid in-person conversations or work/telephone conversations. So, as uncomfortable as it may seem, I'm going to have to start telling people that I don't want to participate. I need to start putting up a "force field" (her words!) to keep the emotional vampires at bay. Unfortunately, people like me are magnets for that type of person.

I'll also have to pay better attention to watching this sort of thing unfold. If I'm presented with an OBVIOUS emotional vampire, I'm really good about shutting them down because I haven't developed a relationship with that person. The hard part is learning to shut down emotional vampires that kind of crept up on me. For example, the person at work.

Once that situation became blatant, I became like a deer in headlights- - "what do I do now? How do I get unhooked from this train?"

I'm still not sure I know how to get out of the situation right now, but it's another thing I'll be working on in therapy. I'm starting to plan various conversations in my head and how I'll respond. None of them seem like "the one" to me yet, though I am twirling around a 'front runner' in my head.

The good thing about this, is that I'll be able to use these skills (still in baby steps of development) in my personal AND work life. I've always had a problem with pushing back with people who don't seem to understand boundaries, but that's going to change. I’ve seen in my personal life that if someone crosses boundaries too many times, I start to shut them off completely, rather than tell them that they are acting inappropriately. This doesn’t allow the other person to decide if they want to work on their own boundary issues and continue to be part of my life- or say, “who cares! I like to cross boundaries and I don’t need Lori in my life.” I’m not giving the boundary-crossers much of a choice. They just end up with ‘brick wall’. Good luck pushing past my brick wall, once it’s up.

Boundaries! I definitely see where my lack of enforcing boundaries has caused lots of damage. Those days are over.

…well, as soon as I learn how to appropriately tell people to back off.

Guess who was in the shower when my new iPad showed up?

I heard the truck, got out of the shower, threw on a robe and ran down the stairs. Hair a mess, no makeup, wearing BJ's robe, and water dripping off my body.

Poor FedEx guy. He was probably scarred for life, when I opened the door. I said, "apparently I want my iPad really bad, if I'm willing to answer the door this way."

He didn't even pretend to disagree. He simply replied, "apparently."

I took The Hubs with me to my neurology appointment because I forget to ask stuff and usually forget most of what the neurologist says. After it was over, he said he was glad he went because now he feels better about "scaring" me all the time (I startle easily, which apparently is a syndrome..... more on that in a moment.) So, I'm glad it was a good experience for him.

The neurologist said that he looked at the three days of brain waves and he didn't see any epileptic activity, but was going to run it through software. He said he didn't expect the software would pick up anything important, so I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about epilepsy being on my plate. Yay! My car privileges remain intact.

What appear to be seizures are actually prolonged myoclonus episodes. That stuff didn't start happening until after the head injury. In fact, I sat in the ER for almost 2 hours having a myoclonus episode only a couple of days after the 2007 head injury. It took IV Valium to make it stop. The beach episode was about five minutes long according to S#1, but that's a long time to be continually jerking. It's really hard on the body. It makes my muscles (especially my abdomen) feel like I've been in a marathon.

You know what's kind of funny? I was looking up myoclonus and apparently, my previous neurologist already diagnosed that. Ahhhh- my blog! I love you for being the memory I no longer have. Please don't ever leave me, dear blog! I need the memories stored here.

The neurologist tapped my knees and elbows with the funnybone tapper (what the heck is that thing called?) and my reactions are always way outside of normal. If you are close by- you'll get smacked, and my body briefly jerks for a few seconds. He said that it's due to a condition called hyperekplexia. He said that it is typically found in Italian heritage. Guess who is 1/4 Italian?

Hyperekplexia explains why I'm so easily startled. It's one of the reasons I can't watch TV in the dark. The flashing lights and some sounds cause the reaction. It's not anything serious. Just annoying. We'll call it my version of fainting goat syndrome. The good news is that one of the drugs I take at night to help me to sleep is typically the drug used for this syndrome. Apparently I'm not taking enough. I'm OK with that though because I don't want to feel sedated.

BJ will just have to put up with me screaming and throwing my hands in the air every time he walks past me. I always get the same answer, "Honey, I live here, remember?" As if reminding me that there is another human in the house will help. Nope. I've screamed sometimes because I see something out of the corner of my eye that isn't where it belongs. Inanimate objects. Meh.

It just occurred to me that that the lady in the graphic on my blog is doing what I do when I'm startled. HILARIOUS!

Though I've been this way for as long as I can remember, I believe the head injury made it worse. And unlucky for me, the hyperekplexia has sometimes caused the myoclonus to start up. It's really not at all fun. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often. The last time it started up was when we were at Universal Studios at the Muppet Experience. Audience was in the dark, there were flashing lights AND high-pitched loud sounds. It was kind of traumatic for me and the stupid door guard wouldn't let me leave so I had to go back to my seat with my head down, eyes closed and fingers in my ears to keep from jerking.

So, next steps. The doctor said the next step is a 5-7 day hospital stint where I'm wired up and continually monitored on video. I honestly do not want to do that. It's been, what, three years since my last head injury? I'm getting to the end of my rope of doctors visits for this stuff. I truly am. I'm sure my health insurance company would agree. I'm also really tired of thinking about it. I'm perfectly fine just dealing with it at this point. It was that awful day in the dentist chair that sent me off into this new round of medical discoveries.

To be completely honest, I think that some of my specialists are intrigued by the disorders I have and they are using me as a lab rat. Once they get the tests back showing that I do indeed have these disorders, they want to do more tests and my office appointments are drawn out longer than I'd like. I'm not sure that there's really anything that they can do for me, but this stuff is so rare that they want to learn about it via yours truly. I had a primary care physician that was actually excited that she had an alpha-one (the liver thing) patient. "ohhhhh! I've never had a patient with alpha-one!", she said very excitedly. ::grimace::

I told the neurologist that I really don't want to take that next step unless I'm back in head-bonk territory. So, he said that he wants me to keep a journal of 'incidents' (fainting and near fainting) and he'll see me in six months and then we'll decide if the hospital stint is on the table. If you want to place wagers on this, I’d bet that I won’t be scheduling that appointment.

Here's the thing. I've read up on dysautonomia and I'm now more aware of what causes the symptoms. Now that I'm more aware, I avoid doing the things that causes the heart and head stuff and I do more of the things that help; drink electrolytes and loads of water and coffee, sleep as much as I can, and avoid stress (ha ha ha- yeah).

I'm 52 years old. I was born with all of it (except the fallout from the 2007 head injury). I've lived all these years without knowing what it was. I was just "sickly". Working from home has helped me to live a fairly normal life because I am more rested and less stressed. I used to need the weekends to sleep, but now I go do stuff (most of the time.... sometimes I still need to lay low). I used to never be able to do stuff after work, but now I can. Not every night, but most 52 year old people don't go out every night, right?

I'm done with all of this. Done thinking about it and done doing anything about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm sure you (the general you) are tired of reading about it or hearing about it.

I'm done. Done. And DONE.

PS- John Mayer, my body IS a wonderland, TYVM.

Leaps and bounds.

The end.

Seriously, it's like all the years of therapy I have under my belt are starting to show up again. Thank goodness.

My only regret is that I didn't go to therapy sooner, when layers started showing up again about two years ago. Or even before, when I was dealing with the many issues caused by the head bonks. So much stuff I've needed to deal with, but stuffed it away. No time for self-care. Gheesh, that's so stupid!

I'm going to cut myself some slack though. I really didn't feel that I had time. I've had so many things I've had to do for my physical self over the past few years. All the dental work from cracking all my teeth in the fall on the face, the heart issues, the noggin issues, physical therapy on the fankle, and then the shoulder. Good grief. Trying to fit in a work week around all that stuff was nearly impossible, but I made it work.

I made it work so well, that I'm pretty much locked in to my biggest client for the next couple of years. Maybe I have my priorities screwed up, but the work ethic was important to me. In less than three years, I won't have to worry about work ethic anymore. I'll be retired.

(more on that some other time- I doubt I'll ever fully retire, but I won't be working like I am now...)

So, back to therapy. I'm doing so very well. I feel like I'm back on solid ground and it didn't take very long. That's not to say that I think I'm even CLOSE to being done with therapy. I'm just back to where I was when I was at my best self right before I met BJ.

But guess what? That wasn't REALLY the best I could be. I can now see that I was on the right track, but there's still a few more miles I need to go before I'm completely healed from all of the layers.

My therapist told me yesterday that when she first met me, she wasn't sure how this was going to turn out for me. I told her that I'd temporarily lost my coping skills when we first met, but guess what? They're back. She said that I've made an amazing and remarkable recovery from where I was when she met me. Go me!

She told me yesterday that she believes this is the last bit of healing that I've needed all along. This bit will also be the most difficult.

Here's what I'm going to actively work on: Releasing myself from feeling responsible for the well-being of other adults. Especially the two that have caused me to go into that dark spiral. I'm not blaming them in the least. I blame myself for not realizing the work I've needed to do.

Hmmm- blame is an awful word. I don't blame myself. I just am acknowledging. It's MY fault that I spiraled.

The therapist explained why this spiral happened and it makes perfect sense to me. The inability to "fix" the 2.0 versions of the two layers brought back a whole host of feelings from when I was a child trying to 'save' the 1.0 versions. Geez, I hate talking in code- but I do need to be as private as possible. As we all became adults, the problems were different and I continued to try to 'save' at my expense just like when I was a child.

What I find amazing is that my relationships with my sons are so healthy. I've raised amazing sons who weren't saddled with my emotional garbage. One word that keeps being bantered about is "protect". Maybe protecting adults from my feelings isn't necessarily good- but I firmly believe that involving my children would have been bad. I did the right thing. I will continue to protect them from the extremely 'icky' stuff. It's not their job to take care of me. It's mine.

All of my current relationships are extremely healthy and have great boundaries. I do have a couple of relationships I didn't choose (came with the hubs!) that push my boundaries, but I'm working on that. This tells me that I've learned a lot along the way, but the "cellular and deep" is what it is.

I'm going to treat the "cellular and deep" as if it's cancer. My job is to cut out that cancer, hope that it's not malignant and then heal. It's going to be very aggressive treatment. Trust that.

I've decided to NOT take the Paxil for now. I feel so good and so "me". I've felt that way for several days in a row WITHOUT the aid of Valium. My therapist agrees that I really don't need it. We both are wondering if I've ever REALLY been depressed. I never went on crying jags or anything like that. I was just really tired ALL the time. Dysautonomia causes exhaustion and requires a lot of sleep. That can be confused with depression.

That's neither here nor there. No looking back- only forward.

My mom sent an email to family that her sister passed away on Saturday. She didn't find out that this happened until this morning. My aunt has had Alzheimer's for several years and didn't know who ANYBODY was, so in this case I do believe she's in a better place. I don't normally say that sort of thing because in MOST cases, it's a horrible thing to say to someone who's just lost a loved one.

Keep that one in your back pocket please, and don't be tempted to say it. If someone says it to you after you lose a loved one, tell them how that makes you feel so they discontinue saying those sorts of things. If the person who lost someone says it first and you agree, then it's OK to agree (if you do). Just don't be the first one to say it.

/end PSA

I didn't know my aunt well at all, so I'm very sad for my mom and my cousin but this isn't adding to my layers of "stuff". They both lost someone that they loved very much, and even though her mind was gone several years ago, the finality of it all will hit soon- if it hasn't already.

My mom sent the email to the other "layer" too. In the email she said that she hoped that the family could heal itself before its too late.

She makes a great point and this is something I'd tried to do for well over a year. At first it was hourly (stalker!), then daily, then almost daily, then weekly, then every once in a while. At the two year mark, I finally threw in the towel. I will go to my grave with my head held high that I've done everything that I could do to try to repair that relationship. I did things that were harmful for my psyche, but I didn't care. I wanted healing.

I've offered therapy, at my cost- her choice of therapist. I've offered to continue to be nice to her husband and continue to pretend that everything was OK, though THAT offer is now off the table because his moral code grates on my last nerve. I reminded her, when she was shocked that I didn't like her husband, that I told her the day he announced that they were getting married at the courthouse that I thought it was a HUGE mistake, and why.

I promised her that day that if she chose to go through with the wedding, I'd hightail it to the courthouse and support her even though I was given very little time to get there. I barely made it. I may sound like the suspicious type, but I've always suspected her husband didn't want me there, which is why he chose a day-out of the blue- that I'd be working from home 90 minutes away from the courthouse. I reminded her that I was kind and gracious to her husband the entire time after they got married even though he made it very difficult. I never said another word about my feelings toward him. I tried to like him and then he'd throw a wrench in the situation and I'd have to stuff my feelings. Then I'd start all over again. Like-wrench-stuff. Over and over again.

I wrote every letter to him that she asked me to, saying things to bolster his self-esteem. GAH, the idea nauseates me now, but I wanted her to be happy.

Instead of hiding his FB posts (I honestly didn't know how back then), I unfriended him because his posts grated on my nerves. The image he wants people to see of him vs. the real thing was polar opposite. I couldn't stand it anymore.

That set off a chain of events that I could have never imagined.

At the two year mark, I decided that it's best that I quit. I didn't really have much of a choice, actually, so I've had to separate the person I love- "1.0" version from the "2.0" version.

I've had to compartmentalize this person I thought I knew- the person I used to love and trust with my whole heart into this new person who I hardly recognized. Every once in a while 2.0 rears her head and lashes out again.

I think in a way, that experience prepared me for what I'm going through now. It's a little easier to let go because I see how damaging it was to me to continually throw myself at someone's feet only to be kicked.

I know in my heart that this 2.0 version is not the person I know and love. That's why I now have to think of the 1.0 person as dead. I just hope that one day 1.0 is resurrected and will realize that I never asked her to make a choice between me and her husband. She made that choice for herself for whatever reason. I have several years of history to back up that I put her (and him) before me. Always.

In a way, it was good for me to step away and see how unhealthy it was for me to be asked to keep secrets from her husband. Every time she said, "don't tell [husband], I had to eat my feelings about why keeping those sorts of secrets are a sign of an unhealthy relationship. No, it wasnt stuff like he was beating her or anything like that. It was other things. Things that made me worry about her ALL THE TIME. It wasn't really fair that I was told stuff, but then asked to keep it to myself AND be nice to him and NOT tell her how I felt about what he was doing. Up until that fateful day of unfriending him, I never said anything bad about him to her.

Sometime mid year last year, my dad sent an email about something innocuous. The email was about relationships and how important they are. It was sent to many people and not just the two of us. It turned into another round of vitriol with the explicit instructions for me that I was never to have any sort of contact with her family. Ever.

So, though I hope that she "hears" the message in the email my mom sent, I'm certain that 2.0 won't "receive" the message. I'm actually OK and accepting of that. I just hope that one day I'll see 1.0 again. I know our relationship will never EVER be what it was because I have loads of trust issues now. I used to be able to visualize us together again, but hard as I try- I can't. Trying to imagine it feels like I'm about to put my hand on a hot stove.

I leave for therapy in about 15 minutes. It should be interesting.