My husband's father passed away about four hours ago. You may be wondering why I'm blogging about it and not sitting by my husband's side.

....I wish I could be by his side right now.

My husband left on a business trip this morning. He's in another state and can't get home until tomorrow morning. It's a small state and the airport is closed for the night. He missed the last flight out by 15 minutes. So, my sweet husband is in a strange city, left to deal with the passing of his dad all by himself.

I'm heartbroken for him. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can't. I literally ache for him right now. His dad was so special to him.

His dad was a special man to everyone that knew him. I can't begin to count the number of times I've heard people say "he's my hero" about this man. But his biggest fan was his son; my husband.

This has been a strange journey for me, a Hospice volunteer. I've never experienced death up close and personal, except through my Hospice volunteer experiences. My very special Aunt died suddenly in her sleep which is a whole different experience. And it was also an experience that I deal with a lot better. It's more difficult for me to see people I love in pain than to experience it myself.

My husband's dad didn't die suddenly; at least not until the end. In respect for my husband's privacy I won't go into detail, but being a Hospice volunteer did not give me any advantages. It was almost a disadvantage for me because I saw things I didn't want to see. I knew things I didn't want to know. I knew things my husband's family didn't want to know. On one hand I wanted to tell my husband what I felt was happening because I didn't want him to be sideswiped. On the other hand, I'm not a doctor and I am not an expert on dying. After all, I could have been wrong about what I saw. So I kept quiet and had to watch it all play out.

I am not sure that it was a blessing in disguise, but my father-in-law didn't realize how sick he was until he received a questionnaire in the mail from his medical center asking if he felt his doctor was dealing with his fatal illness properly (I'm paraphrasing.) My father-in-law was surprised to hear his illness described in this manner. He never really thought of fact that he had a fatal illness. This happened in December. I was appalled that he had to find out in this way.

The next time he went to the doctor, he was told, "Well, I assumed you knew". Then gave him a prognosis of 2-3 years. My father-in-law told us all that he 'knew' the doctor was just being cautious and told us all that he felt he had another 10 years left.

I knew better, but I gave him the respect and dignity of having his own reality.

Although my husband saw his dad just about every day after that, I only visited on weekends. About three weeks ago, I saw signs of end-stage. This is where I don't like being a Hospice volunteer. I saw things that nobody around me saw. I wrote an email the next day suggesting that they ask their doctor about getting a visiting nurse or something, "just to help out". I was given an emphatic "NO!". I beat myself up for days about that. It wasn't up to me to try to change their reality. Two days later they went to the doctor and the prognosis was moved up to "weeks, maybe months". Then the doctor suggested Hospice. They gave him the same answer as they gave me.

Ironically, this day was the same day I finished my grief and bereavement training with Hospice. I have to wonder about the timing in all of this. This journey I chose for myself would start right here in my own home.

We visited two weekends ago and I knew that he'd not see the end of February. This is really hard information to keep to oneself. Yet again, my suspicions were confirmed the following Monday when they went back to the doctor. His prognosis was moved up to "days, maybe weeks". The doctor insisted on Hospice, and they finally agreed.

It's almost as if once he found out that he was dying, he let go. He lost his will.

We saw him again on Saturday and I knew he'd be gone within days.

Again, I was right. Today was the day.

So, all this time, unless asked, I never shared what I knew with my husband or his father (or step-mother), but I did share with my husband's mother. I shared all of it with her. There were days that we wrote email to each other at least twice a day. It's been so wonderful to have her there to listen to me and assure me that I was doing the right things for my husband. I needed to hear that from someone who knows and loves my husband and who also still loves his father that I was taking care of him in the best way possible.

I also had *my* Hospice services (the organization I volunteer for) to help me with advice during a few sticky situations. I felt as if I was way over my head at times because I had to witness all of this going on around me and not say anything. They helped me by practicing conversations with me, they gave me ways that I could say things and not offend or change people's realities.

So, now that I've cleaned the house from top to bottom and I've thrown all of this out onto my blog, I feel helpless. I'm not *doing*.

And my husband is alone.

George Clooney really set me off last night. He was gettin' up in my face about my hair. He thought I should use toothpaste instead of gel in my hair. He said it would make it grow longer. Once my hair was the way he liked it, then he'd marry me.

I told him off in no uncertain terms, "I'm sorry George, here are a couple of newsflashes for you:

1. I'm married
2. You don't know a darned thing about hair products
3. And even if you did, don't be telling me what to do with my hair

So get out of my grill."

......OH, then I woke up.

I told hubby about the dream and told him that I picked him over George Clooney. Then he had to go ruin it by asking if I would have have still picked him over George if he wasn't in my face about my hair.

Cool test found SpudKing's site, InstantMash.net

Wow- this is really spot on.

Wackiness: 66/100
Rationality: 42/100
Constructiveness: 92/100
Leadership: 60/100



You are a WECL--Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a People`s Advocate.

You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are.

Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life's more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while.

In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace.

6% are this type.

Thanks to FTS, I have to do a meme. Ok, I brought it all on myself. I've learned my lesson.

Song that sounds like happy feels:
What I Like About You, The Romantics

Earliest memory:
My parents listening to Barbra Streisand's Funny Girl album and Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell

Last CD you bought:
Ben Taylor Band, Famous in the Barns

Reminds you of school:

:Elementary School:
I Just Can't Help Believing, BJ Thomas
Me And You And A Dog Named Boo, Lobo
American Pie, Don McLean

:High School:
Foreplay/Long Time, Boston
Benny and the Jets, Elton John
We Are the Champions, Queen

:College:
Night Fever, Bee Gees (me too, FTS!)
Last Dance, Donna Sommer
Y.M.C.A, Village People

Total music files on your PC:
I knew nobody'd believe me, so here:


Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed:
All By Myself, Eric Carmen

Song you love, band you hate:
Have You Ever Been In Love, Celine Dion

A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down:
I don't have one- but I do have a favorite show that took me ages to find the DVD- Lancelot Link, Secret Agent Chimp. I'm now the proud owner of all of the episodes, thank you very much.

Bought the album for one good song:
The soundtrack from "The Other Sister" for I'm Free - The Soup Dragons (Loved the WHOLE CD- it's happy music!)

Worst Song to Get Stuck in your Head:
Copa Cabana, Barry Manilow

Best song to dump a beer on someone’s head to, then storm out of the bar?
You'll Think of Me, Keith Urban

Who should do this next?
Stop the madness! I won't do it! But if anyone wants to do theirs in my comments, feel free!

I had planned a really special weekend for President's day weekend, just because. All he knew was that we were going away for the weekend. I didn't tell him a thing about where we were going or what we'd be doing. Sadly, I had to cancel this weekend because of life circumstances.

When we were dating, we were both on the road a lot (plus lived over an hour away from each other), so lots of our communication was via email. Neither of us are much for talking on the phone. Especially me. Note to my friends (except sis): I hate talking on the phone!

This is a snippet of an email I got from him in January 2003 (and nobody'd better make fun of the fact that he likes Shakespheare, or I'll hunt you down and kick your butt!). I had written that my favorite time of year to go to the Northwest beaches was winter. I love the huge waves, foggy gray horizon, contrasted by sitting in a warm room next to a fireplace.

He wrote back:

Wow. A really lovely mental picture of the ocean during the stormy season (thank you for that). I would absolutely love to end up with you at a seaside or mountain retreat for some weekend with plenty of wine, a fireplace, a stormy night, and a few really good books. I think it would be wonderful to read something to each other. I have always enjoyed Shakespeare in this environment. The Hamlet soliloquy, Saint Crispin’s Day speech in Henry V, maybe even the repartee between Dromio and Ephesus in A Comedy Of Errors. The verbal tennis game in Waiting For Gudeou (sp) is fun too. It is based on Shakespeare, so it counts. Sound like fun?

So, here's what I planned:

1. We were going to stop at Borders books first, and he and I would each pick out a book. (I was going to find his Shakespeare books in advance and bring with.)


2. Then off to the wine store and pick out several good wines.


3. When we got in the room, I was going to hand him the email, printed on nice paper and tied with a bow.

I scheduled a suite here, right on the ocean:


See how loved he is?

And now you know... I'm not all just fun and games. I have a squishy side too.