I think it's interesting that when I'm ready to actively work in healing, I receive inspiration from many sources. I'm on a grief mailing list because of my Hospice work. I like to save little nuggets of stuff for when I am ready to start volunteering again.
 

ARE YOU A GRIEF VICTIM OR A GRIEF SURVIVOR?
Author unknown

A victim is a state of mind dictated by others. A survivor dictates their own state of mind.

A victim fears the moments of grief. A survivor welcomes those moments.

A victim knows about feeling down and tries to stay up. A survivor knows feeling down is okay.

A victim tries hard to hide the tears. A survivor never leaves home without kleenex.

A victim struggles to maintain a state of normalcy. A survivor knows normal has changed.

A victim gets caught in isolation. A survivor reaches out when they need to.

A victim is afraid they in time will forget. A survivor knows they never will!

A victim sometimes feels guilty laughing. A survivor laughs through their tears.

A victim tries at times to block out the memories. A survivor embraces memories of all kinds.

A victim wants someone to cure their grief. A survivor just wants someone to share their journey.

A victim struggles to get over their grief. A survivor fights to get through it.

A victim tries to get on with their life. A survivor lives their life knowing nothing will ever be the same.

A victim says, “Oh I'm okay”...then secretly cries. A survivor openly cries... and says, “I'm okay.”

We often compound our feelings of grief and sadness with thoughts that there is something wrong with us and that we should be feeling better or making more progress. We become very harsh with ourselves at a time when we need to be the most tolerant. Over the years, many people have commented to me that “it is easy to take care of yourself when you’re feeling good.” During times of emotional turmoil and distress however, taking care of oneself seems remote and often impossible. Yet it is during these times that self-care is most important.Many people experience this turmoil, sometimes fleetingly, sometimes for longer periods, even years after a loss. 

Here are some suggestions of simple ways to help you cope and care for yourself:

Become aware of what you are experiencing
The emotions of grief are often overwhelming and can trigger a spiral of more intense thoughts and feelings. Becoming aware of feelings before they intensify is a critical first step in learning to cope with them. When you begin to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to notice different aspects of yourself: Take a deep, slow breath and notice what you are thinking and feeling. Notice the state of your muscles. Are they tense? Is your breathing shallow? What kind of thoughts are you having? What are you feeling? Take a few slow deep breaths and consciously relax the tension in your muscles.

Try not to judge yourself
The unpredictable trajectory of grief leaves many people feeling frustrated and impatient with themselves for not making more “progress.” There is also a very frequent tendency to look back on events with a self-critical eye, to imagine that outcomes would have been different “if only” certain things had happened or not happened. While these reviews are a natural part of processing experiences and emotions, harsh self-judgments can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, anger, and depression. If you find yourself in this situation, it may help to write down what you are thinking and feeling.

This may help you to gain clarity and to identify themes needing further attention. It can also be very helpful to talk with a counselor or trusted friend or family member. Remind yourself that you are, experiencing a normal part of the grief process and that you are doing the best you can. Like the tides, strong emotions and thoughts will ebb and flow, peak and subside. Each time you experience them you will gain more understanding and ability to cope.

Consider what your emotions are telling you
Painful emotions are often seen as an enemy to be conquered rather than the internal guides that they often are. One of the most difficult parts of grieving is finding balance between your need to be alone and to reach out to others. Emotions can assist you in figuring this out. Ask yourself what you need. It might be a good cry, a kind friend, a long walk, or all three. With practice you will learn to trust and pay attention to your inner emotional “radar.”

Be assertive with others
Well-intentioned others may be quick to offer advice or insist that you participate in group activities. If someone says something well-meaning but insensitive such as “he’s in a better place now”, you can gently remind that person that you do not feel that way and communicate how you do feel and how their comment has affected you. Communicating in this honest and neutral manner provides the other with helpful information and reduces feelings of resentment and anger. When you make decisions about participating in activities or social events, make sure it is your decision and that you are not simply agreeing to please another person. This is especially difficult in family gatherings but with practice, the honest expression of our needs becomes easier.

Establish a routine
We humans just function better when we have even a simple routine that involves regular sleep, nutritious food, healthy activity, and social support.

Choose your company wisely
Spending time with someone you are truly comfortable with can make a huge difference. A trusted friend or family member who does not judge you, accepts you as you are, and is willing to just listen, can serve as a healing tonic.

Remember that your heart is big enough for both grief and joy
Often people are shocked the first time they find themselves laughing, smiling, or feeling a moment of joy or happiness. It often feels inappropriate and wrong to feel this lightness. However, these moments, like northwestern sun-breaks, are gifts and serve as reminders of brighter days to come.

Remember that you are not alone
Find out what others have experienced and what to expect. Although everyone grieves in their own unique way, there are many experiences people share. Everyone will go through this at some time in their life. Connecting with others who are experiencing grief can make a big difference and provide hope and new ways to cope. Finally, consider talking with a grief counselor about what you are going through. Many people find it helpful to combine individual counseling with a support group. Remember, it is a sign of health and strength to seek support and clarification during this time. 

~Barb Digman, Bereavement Counselor

I'm pretty sure that nobody is reading my blog anymore since I've not been writing. When I do write, I've been writing 'carefully' so I don't upset one person who has hurt me more deeply than I could have ever imagined. I tried to write carefully because she accused me of trying to get sympathy because I was writing about my feelings. I was simply writing about my life, ugly as it was at the time, because writing is cathartic for me. It's never been about sympathy and though I found the accusation offensive and completely out of line, I took the ability to comment off my blog. This is also why I will continue to close down comments.

I'm not a sympathy seeker. That is victim behavior. It's also victim behavior to allow someone else to dictate what I'm supposed to write or not write. I'm not a victim, therefore I will no longer allow ANYONE to tell me what I can and cannot write on my blog.

I'm in therapy now to deal with the many losses I've had since 2007, and to help me heal from the nightmare of the last six weeks and navigate the uncertain future. My therapist took a look at the list of losses in the last five years and asked me how I've been able to hold it together. I've been holding it together by not deaing with it and not talking about it.

Those days are gone.

I'm going to write about my healing here because this is MY space. I'm not naming names, and the few people who read this and know the circumstances of the last few years are the same people I've shared this stuff with in person. Everyone else who may come across this blog are strangers who do not even know who I am.

I'm done being held hostage by the person who hurt me- the person I've trusted with all of my heart. From this point on, I'm going to be authentic and honest. Im tired of being closed and secretive. It's not who I am, and it's harmful to my soul.

Authentic and open Lori has lots of dear friends who love me and would drop and have dropped whatever they are doing to be by my side and hold my hand if I asked. Closed and shut down Lori doesn't give her friends the opportunity to show that they care. Closed and shut down Lori pretends that everything is OK because she doesn't want to offend or worry anybody by sharing the truth.

Time to say goodbye to that person, and time to return to the person I used to be- only better and stronger.

And........ that's all I'm going to say about that. I don't do resolutions.

Son#1 told me that The Walking Dead was having a marathon on NYE, and I've wanted to start watching the series, so I recorded it. The Hubs was sort of interested, but unsure because he doesn't like "scary" movies.

We started episode one in the evening and then something else (truth be told, I fell asleep and he watched something else.) The next day he said that he didn't plan to watch TWD anymore because he had bad dreams.

Here's the interesting thing. I also had dreams about zombies. In my dream, I was trapped in an airplane with other passengers until the zombies left. Instead of waking up in a cold sweat, I woke up thinking, "What an awesome dream! I wish I could finish it to see what happens."

I wonder what that says about me? Ha ha.

Since I last wrote, I've had an Echo, MRI and EEG

I saw the neurologist today to get the results from the MRI and EEG.

My brain looks fine. No tumors, bleeding, structural anomalies, etc. The EEG is abnormal. Apparently my brain shuts down (brainwaves stop) and then starts back up again. He said this happened several times during the EEG. So, I'll be wearing an ambulatory EEG for three days the first week of December. He doesn't need me to TRY to faint (thankfully), since he already sees abnormal activity. He just wants me to push a button and write down what's going on when I feel weird (or faint) to see if the body weirdness corresponds with the brainwave weirdness.

He said that this finding could be the difference between one type of dysautonomia and another. It could also mean that I have a form of epilepsy due to- or in addition to dysautonomia. It seems very confusing to me. I’ll have to bring The Hubs with me when I see him in December for the results of the ambulatory EEG.

I tried to find something about this on the Internet, but all I found was a guy that was able to stop his brain waves when he reached a very Zen place. Maybe I was feeling super Zen that day.

I see the cardiologist in November to get the results of the Echo. The only thing the technician said was that my heart rate was averaging 95 and asked me if that was normal. My normal resting heart rate is in the low 60's- so I can only assume that my heart was giving away the secret that I noticed I had a very cute and young technician and I was worried that he might see my boobies. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was because I had to lay on the arm that is still recovering from shingles. I'd be willing to bet that pain raises the heart rate.

Frankly, I'm ready to quit thinking about ALL OF this. True, I don't want to bonk my head anymore but I wish the process to get to the treatment phase was quicker and involved less doctor appointments. It will be nice to get to the bottom of all of my health issues, but I am one of those people who likes to put negative stuff away in a little box and not think about it. It's not like I'm declining in health or anything (well, except for the shingles- but I'm going to attribute that to Disneyland.) In fact, my fankle is great now, so I'm feeling more healthy with all the walking.

This is really harshing my buzz.