During my last Hospice experience I learned that the dying have a lot more control over timing than we give them credit for. I've heard stories about people who wanted to die alone, so they waited until everyone who stood vigil over them for days were out of the room (using the bathroom, going to the vending machine 'really quick', etc.), and choose to die at that moment. I've heard stories of people who waited until their loved one was able to make it from across the states. The event that happened last Thursday brings a whole new meaning to what I've learned.

Please know that I'm referring to the patient as "the patient" out of respect for their privacy; not as a sign that I think of the patient as a non-person. I will never write anything that will come anywhere near invading our patient's privacy, therefore, they will always be "the patient" with very sketchy details.

On to the story...

Last Thursday night, our last Hospice training session, a Hospice team was brought in to talk to us about a patient who was currently in Hospice. Each patient is assigned a team of four people; a volunteer, a registered nurse, a social worker and a non-denominational minister. The four people from this patient's team were there to talk to us about each role in caring for the patient.

Prior to talking to us, we were asked to listen to a piece of music from the last Lord of the Rings movie and symbolically bring that patient into the room with us to affirm his life.

The volunteer commented right away that this piece of music was perfect, because the patient loved the water and sailing. Of course, the lyrics are also quite symbolic of dying and going to another place.

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You've come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore...


What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

Friday morning, the Hospice center got an announcement that the patient died at the exact time we were completing our ritual to welcome this person into our thoughts. That sent me a pretty powerful message; something that seems to happen to me frequently with my Hospice work. This is one of the reasons I love Hospice so much. I get more out of it than I could ever give.

I do not:
A. Disclose where I work
B. Blog while at work (if I am blogging during work hours, please check my records. You will find that I was on vacation or ill that day)
C. Use my name, or names of any of my co-workers in any of my blog entries

Why is it that the days I have to get up, I want to sleep in; and the days I don't have to get up (such as today), I can't wait to get out of bed? I know I'm not alone in this.

I go downtown to work two days a week, and in order to get out of my house by 6am I have to be up by 5:20. No later. When I telecommute the other three days, I get up with my husband (generally around 6am) make him lunch, make coffee and am to "work" by 6:30 or 6:15, depending on the amount of effort that goes into making his lunch. Both scenarios seem way too early to be out of bed. At least on the day that I'm supposed to be out of bed.

So, this morning, I wake up at 5:30. I've taken a vacation day, so I should be sleeping. "Go back to sleep", I tell myself. Didn't work. So, I decide to bother my husband. I refuse to be alone in my misery. I "accidently" kick his foot. I fluff up my pillow and "accidently" hit his shoulder. Suddenly, the snoring stops. Oops! (oops, my @$$).

So, up we were, both of us before we really needed to be. He decided to go to work early so it's easier for him to take off early (to go to Costco! yippee!!), and I'm on my computer at 6:15.

Hey, but at least I'm not working.

Very soon, I'll be off the computer and do some fun stuff. Hair cut and foil, shopping, fun with hubby. Yep. It's going to be a great vacation day.

-----

I was just thinking about a Halloween tradition I used to have with my dogs. I dressed them up in costumes every year. Now before you go calling PETA, I'll have you know that they loved getting dressed up. My husband used to tell me that it scared him that it would even occur to me to do such a thing (yet he married me anyway. WHAT was he thinking?)

What is so wrong with this? Don't they look like they're having a good time?



Sadly, Missy died last year after a long illness and I gave Cleo to another family because she was making Missy miserable.

I guess I won't be scaring my husband at Halloween anymore.

My third child/husband's (boy) best friend is here. They're playing x-box golf. I'm on the computer reading blogs and such. Suddenly I find myself in a mushy mood. "Go home husband's best boy friend", is what I'm thinking! ha ha.

Anyway, I had a 2.5 hour commute to work yesterday. I decided that I was getting a bit too stressed out over being late, so popped in a CD that I haven't listened to since the early dating time with my husband and me. The time before I knew that *this* was real and was really going to happen. Wow. It made me smile the rest of the way to work. It was Bryan Adams. I think I played that CD every time I went to his house when we were dating. I was totally into the Bryan Adams compilation CD I'd made at the time. The lyrics just spoke to me.

So, as I fought that 2.5 hour commute, I remembered how much I internalized some of the lyrics in the songs in those early days.

1. I'm ready To me, that symbolized how I really was ready to give up the "I'm never going to love anyone ever again" stage in my live
2. I will always return The lyrics are so about long distance relationships (at least to me!). Beautiful music and lyrics.
3. Nothing I've ever known Pretty much sums it up.

I dunno... I really thought I was done with love and all that stuff. Even when I felt things for my husband in the beginning, I fought it. I didn't want to get hurt; I've had a lifetime of that. He fought it too. He's not had the greatest of experiences either. Boy, did he fight it and was very honest with me about it. The thing is, I took him at face value. Was I surprised when he proposed. I honestly didn't expect it to happen. I certainly NEVER pushed it.

Yet, here we are. We've been living together for 13 months, married for 5 of of those months. I still get giddy about seeing him. I get butterflies when I hear his car pull up in the gravel driveway. We still have those "I can't believe that this is STILL this wonderful" conversations with each other frequently. I'm not kidding when I say we tell each other this at least weekly. At least twice a month we sit on the couch for a couple of hours and tell each other how much this relationship means to us. Who knew? I sure didn't. When I'd see couples who seemed to adore each other, I thought it was fake. Now I know better. We just click. It's SO easy. I wish I'd known how easy it could be and had the strength to give up on those awful relationships I'd had in the past. I'd of saved myself a heck of a lot of heartache. But then again, I have to think that I wouldn't fully appreciate what I have now. Catch 22 I guess.

So, a 2.5 hour commute turned into something really wonderful. I was able to go back in time and look at myself back then and smile at all the worries I had about getting too close. I was able to look at the actions that my future husband showed me (vs- the words that said he would never get to this place), and nod my head. I was able to tell that scared person I was, "ya know, it'll be ok- everything is really going to work out. You just wait and see..." I'm smiling now thinking about that . Too bad we can't all have a crystal ball, huh?

That same night, I had a night class for Hospice. I got home at 9pm. He heard me drive up the gravel driveway and greeted me at the door. He held me for a while and then kissed me and told me to go get comfy. So I did. I came out to find a plate of dinner that he made for me sitting on the table. It almost broke my heart to tell him that I already ate. He just took my plate, put it all away and cleaned up the kitchen. What a sweet man, huh?

I just kissed and held him when I saw that. Especially after the experience I'd had that morning. I told him over and over again how lucky and blessed I felt that we were together. That lead to another one of those hours long talks about us. He loves to gush too. How cool is that? Sigh....

So, this is what it's like. I had no idea that *this* really existed. I'm starting to settle into the fact that I can expect this to be wonderful for many years to come. I sure must have done something right to be this lucky, ya know?

Yep, I'm madly in love with my husband. How wonderful is that?