Sister Day was really nice and a wonderful diversion for me, but we didn't get into ANY trouble. It was all very subdued. Many apologies for those that were waiting for the stories of sisters that are old enough to know better, but still do it (whatever *it* is) anyway.

I am in a serious funk. S.E.R.I.O.U.S. FUNK. I'm irritable, feel weepy, and am having trouble sleeping even though I feel exhausted. I'm sure it'll all pass soon, and it only has to do with the fact that I have things going on both in my personal life and at work. I just need things to be good/settled in one area, then I can handle everything just fine in the other area. I think it's making matters worse that I'm holding it all inside because I don't want to dump it on my husband right now. OK, I never do, but that's beside the point. He has enough to deal with and doesn't need a weepy, irritable wife on top of everything he's dealing with. So, I pretend as best as I can. That's tiring, but I wouldn't feel right about doing it any other way.

I think I need a really good cry right now. I haven't given myself permission to REALLY cry during this whole thing with my father-in-law because I have taught myself some great skills for holding it all in. Good or bad, it's something I do well and it's a skill that has come in handy over the years. Right now, I'm in robot mode. BJ had a get together with his friends on Friday night to toast his dad. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Except mine.

But I see things seeping out in inappropriate ways. If someone cuts me off or is too slow in traffic I over react. I get really annoyed if someone has their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle so I have to move it to get past them. Normally, I'm an easy going person and let things roll right off. Not lately. I feel like a bomb ready to go off.

Don't worry co-workers that are reading this... there are no bell towers anywhere nearby. I'm really not going to blow. It's just an expression.

Maybe once I get the work thing straightened out, I'll be much better. Even though I'm not necessarily worried about losing my job, it's stressful to be left hanging in the wind like I have been the last two weeks. I am fairly certain that everything will be settled this week. I hope that will get me out of this funk.

In additon to this, I'm feeling a whole lot of guilt. My oldest son is thinking about joining the military. He needs structure and believes that this will provide it. While I agree that the military would provide the structure he needs, I worry. This is not a good time to join the military. I also feel extremely guilty about the fact that my providing TOO MUCH structure, and too much of a safety net over the years has probably lead to this inability to be a successful independent young adult.

So, there's that too. It all piles up. One.On.Top.Of.The.Other.

Like I said a few days ago... I just want to pull the blankets over my head and make this month dissapear. Really. Will someone make that happen please?

March will be better, right?

Sis and I are going out today to celebrate my birthday. Yeah, I know, my birthday was like two or three weeks ago. Sis and I have made a tradition of giving each other the gift of a movie and lunch for our birthdays. 'Life' has kind of been happening around me, so we've had to postpone. BJ wants some time to himself before he goes back to work tomorrow, so today is the perfect day for Sister Day.

We do that stuff all the time anyway, but since it's my BIRTHDAY sister day, she has to pay. Ha! I'm going to order the most expensive thing on the menu. I'll let you know how that goes.


I'll be sure to take the camera with me, because you never know what kind of trouble the two of us will get in to.

Stay tuned...

Understandably, I'm not feeling particularly creative these days, so rather than leave you with nothing I've decided to go through saved letters I've written and post them here.

This one is from January 6, 2003:

I decided to join a chorale group that performs to benefit a local food bank and the first rehearsal was tonight. It was being held at "Our Saviour's" Lutheran Church. I got the directions off the site, so knew that I wasn't relying on my own resources and probably wouldn't get lost. Probably. OK, if you know my reputation for getting lost, I think you'll know where this is headed....

Well, the directions weren't so great. In fact, they were horrible. So, I drove around and found a Lutheran church that was close to the address that was on the site. There were cars parked around the church, so I figured that I had found it. Never mind that the name of this particular Lutheran church was different. I believe this one was called "Hope" Lutheran Church. I assumed it was just under new ownership (I have no idea how the Lutheran church works....)

I didn't see anyone going into the building, but I was early so didn't think much of it. At least I was smart enough to leave myself a LOT of time. I went to the door and opened it. I heard voices, so I just followed until I found a group of people (I visualized the hairs on the back my mother's neck standing up. She doesn't much care for this sort of bold behavior....)

They were sitting in a big circle, which I found to be rather suspicious. They also looked a little ummmm, serious. I stood at the doorway and tried to listen in to see if I was indeed in the right place before barging in. I still had hope that maybe they were just discussing the piece or something. I did get some "don't be shy, come on in..." type of looks, but I held my ground (thankfully.) I couldn't hear what they were talking about because they were awfully quiet. Quiet and serious (get a clue, Lori..)

I felt that turning around and walking out might have been insulting at this point, so continued to stand there and look stupid. Shortly, someone got up and walked over to me. I said, "this isn't a choir rehearsal, is it..." Nope. Come to find out, it was an AA meeting. I scurried out of there.

I did find the right church eventually. Maybe I'm just sick in the head- but I love it that this stuff happens to me. It sure makes for a funny story...

First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I've read some of your comments to my husband and he also really appreciates the support from everyone.

As would be expected, this experience has make me think about my own father. My dad has an odd sense of humor. Hmmmm.... makes ya wonder how far this apple fell, eh? Actually, our humor is different. He's the one quip wonder, where I'm one that likes to set up the scene.

I think I'm going to post some of our correspondence every now and again, because I find it so funny to look back on. Hopefully, you'll find it to be as funny as I do.

Setup (remember, I'm the one who likes to set up the scene...)
When I was single, I used to have two phone lines going into my house, one for me and one for the boys. That meant that some of the phone jacks were active under one phone line, and others under the other line. When I got my cell phone, I canceled my land line since I had cable internet. My plan was to also use my cell phone for work, but that got expensive. So, I decided to keep the boys line after the youngest moved out and use it for work. This meant that I'd have to activate that particular number on all the jacks in the house.

My dad used to be a phone man, so I asked him how to switch around the wiring. Dad wrote back what seemed like explicit instructions, that included going outside into the phone box and switching around the wires. Electrical wires.

================

Date: 1-17-2003
Subject Line: Little miss "do-it- herselfer" learned a bit about electricity today.

Dear Dad,

Today I followed your instructions on switching around the wires and, let's just say, it was a BAD time for someone to give me a jingle.

You guessed it. I got a really nice shock out of it. Half an hour later and my hand is STILL tingling (but nothing dramatic...) I'll admit being a bit stupid about this. I was barefoot on wet cement at the time. My bad.....

I do want you to know that I AM tenacious. I wasn't done with the job, so I bit the bullet and finished (praying the entire time that nobody would call me.) As you've explained, there is no way to cut the current going to the wires unless I want to climb a pole to do it. There are just some things I will not do.

Love,
[RisibleGirl]

================
Reply from Dad:

Did I forget to mention I always use insulated needle nose pliers to move the wires around? Oops.

Love Dad

================

My husband's father passed away about four hours ago. You may be wondering why I'm blogging about it and not sitting by my husband's side.

....I wish I could be by his side right now.

My husband left on a business trip this morning. He's in another state and can't get home until tomorrow morning. It's a small state and the airport is closed for the night. He missed the last flight out by 15 minutes. So, my sweet husband is in a strange city, left to deal with the passing of his dad all by himself.

I'm heartbroken for him. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can't. I literally ache for him right now. His dad was so special to him.

His dad was a special man to everyone that knew him. I can't begin to count the number of times I've heard people say "he's my hero" about this man. But his biggest fan was his son; my husband.

This has been a strange journey for me, a Hospice volunteer. I've never experienced death up close and personal, except through my Hospice volunteer experiences. My very special Aunt died suddenly in her sleep which is a whole different experience. And it was also an experience that I deal with a lot better. It's more difficult for me to see people I love in pain than to experience it myself.

My husband's dad didn't die suddenly; at least not until the end. In respect for my husband's privacy I won't go into detail, but being a Hospice volunteer did not give me any advantages. It was almost a disadvantage for me because I saw things I didn't want to see. I knew things I didn't want to know. I knew things my husband's family didn't want to know. On one hand I wanted to tell my husband what I felt was happening because I didn't want him to be sideswiped. On the other hand, I'm not a doctor and I am not an expert on dying. After all, I could have been wrong about what I saw. So I kept quiet and had to watch it all play out.

I am not sure that it was a blessing in disguise, but my father-in-law didn't realize how sick he was until he received a questionnaire in the mail from his medical center asking if he felt his doctor was dealing with his fatal illness properly (I'm paraphrasing.) My father-in-law was surprised to hear his illness described in this manner. He never really thought of fact that he had a fatal illness. This happened in December. I was appalled that he had to find out in this way.

The next time he went to the doctor, he was told, "Well, I assumed you knew". Then gave him a prognosis of 2-3 years. My father-in-law told us all that he 'knew' the doctor was just being cautious and told us all that he felt he had another 10 years left.

I knew better, but I gave him the respect and dignity of having his own reality.

Although my husband saw his dad just about every day after that, I only visited on weekends. About three weeks ago, I saw signs of end-stage. This is where I don't like being a Hospice volunteer. I saw things that nobody around me saw. I wrote an email the next day suggesting that they ask their doctor about getting a visiting nurse or something, "just to help out". I was given an emphatic "NO!". I beat myself up for days about that. It wasn't up to me to try to change their reality. Two days later they went to the doctor and the prognosis was moved up to "weeks, maybe months". Then the doctor suggested Hospice. They gave him the same answer as they gave me.

Ironically, this day was the same day I finished my grief and bereavement training with Hospice. I have to wonder about the timing in all of this. This journey I chose for myself would start right here in my own home.

We visited two weekends ago and I knew that he'd not see the end of February. This is really hard information to keep to oneself. Yet again, my suspicions were confirmed the following Monday when they went back to the doctor. His prognosis was moved up to "days, maybe weeks". The doctor insisted on Hospice, and they finally agreed.

It's almost as if once he found out that he was dying, he let go. He lost his will.

We saw him again on Saturday and I knew he'd be gone within days.

Again, I was right. Today was the day.

So, all this time, unless asked, I never shared what I knew with my husband or his father (or step-mother), but I did share with my husband's mother. I shared all of it with her. There were days that we wrote email to each other at least twice a day. It's been so wonderful to have her there to listen to me and assure me that I was doing the right things for my husband. I needed to hear that from someone who knows and loves my husband and who also still loves his father that I was taking care of him in the best way possible.

For my own support, I had my sister to lean on. I know she's always there to support me. She's my best friend. I've had some stressful things going on at work on top of this and felt like I was drowning at times. I didn't want to burden my husband with any of it because he didn't need to carry any more of a load than he already had. I'm so glad that I have my sister at times like this.

I also had *my* Hospice services (the organization I volunteer for) to help me with advice during a few sticky situations. I felt as if I was way over my head at times because I had to witness all of this going on around me and not say anything. They helped me by practicing conversations with me, they gave me ways that I could say things and not offend or change people's realities.

So, now that I've cleaned the house from top to bottom and I've thrown all of this out onto my blog, I feel helpless. I'm not *doing*.

And my husband is alone.