Hospice

Well, I made it. Yesterday was by far the most emotional part of training. Today was more going over what is required of us as volunteers, paperwork, and listening to other volunteers tell their experiences.

I have to go get two TB tests in a matter of two weeks and once again get a Antibody titer since my vaccination records are not in order. Remember the last time I did that? I had ZERO immunity to all of the things I'd been vaccinated for or even had as a child (mumps, chicken pox). I started the series of vaccinations, but didn't finish- so I have to go thru that again. Bleh. Hopefully the one set will be enough to make it so I don't have to get the rest of the series.

If I do, then I will. It's irresponsible to walk around unvaccinated, especially if I travel. It puts me and other people at risk to not be vaccinated. If I didn't know I had zero immunities to childhood disorders and the ability to make that right, unvaccinated people would be putting me at risk. Best to know, right?

Tuesday is my first assignment. Tomorrow I'm going to lay REALLY low. I'm zonked out from going from Vegas straight into a series of days of Hospice training.

I give my Hospice patient a call tomorrow night to make sure he's up for our adventure of storycatching. I'm the first volunteer they're rolling this out with, so it's up to me to make it a good example. They'll be sharing my work in a future inservice meeting.

We'll be asking for permission to share the stories, so if I'm able, I'll share them with you here. Let me tell you- this guy has had QUITE a life and his story is going to be fascinating.

In other news, it's going to be nice to be home tomorrow. I'm calling it the calm before the storm. I have loads of clients coming up and lots of work to do (gotta pay the tax man some way!), and I'm almost to the point of hiring my small little team of peeps. Eeeep! I've been fighting it too long. I've been told by the man who has the midus touch that I'm a fool for not growing my business. He's a very successful man and I respect his opinion a great deal- so I'm going to listen to his advice. I'm only going to grow enough to help out my boys. At least that's what I say now. I think the rest will come in the form of partners.

2010 is going to be the best year of my life. It's started out that way and I see nothing but wonderful things on the horizon. I can't wait to see all of it unfold. Put on your seatbelts, it's going to be quite a ride!

I know I owe more Vegas stories, and they're coming, I promise!

As previously mentioned, I'm smack in the middle of Hospice training (for the fourth time, I might add.) It's been emotionally draining, to say the least. This is not to say that I'm not glad that I'm there. I had the choice to do the training again and reminded myself that I've always gotten a lot out of training each time. So far, I'm glad that I opted in.

It's nice to be back to this particular Hospice organization. It feels like home, and the staff have all been so happy to see me again; affirming to me how I truly am meant for this work. Sure, they could be just telling me nice things, but they're telling all the participants of the training about the work I've done for them. It feels good and it feels right.

Today was the exercise that is always so emotional for me. I'm too lazy to track down the post from 2004 (wow, I've been writing her a long time!), but... oh forget it. Hold on, I'll find it.....

OK, here it is.

Anyway, it's interesting to me how my choices have changed each time I've done this exercise. Typically, all of my possessions are the first to go, but I held on to our home up until the point where it came to the relationships. I've known how this exercise goes each time, but sitting in a chapel, watching other people give up their possessions, knowing that patients really ARE giving up everything- all of it is just like doing it the first time. I make an effort to be truly present when doing Hospice-related things and this exercise was no different.

It was hard for me to not think of my cousin during this exercise. We are supposed to put ourselves in the story, but I kept shifting back and forth between the two of us. The story being told was so close to her story and though I was fully aware of the things she had to give up when her journey was coming to an end, I became even more keenly aware of her loss. Independence, the ability to provide, the ability to be the mother she once was.. all the things that would devastate me to let go of.

In the end, I came back to me and thought about the relationships in my life. Just as in previous times, we were asked to visualize what it would look like after we die. Who would be there when we took our last breath. The scene in my head surprised me, to be honest. I'm going to keep that private, except to the person who was with me. I'm still trying to rationalize it in my head, quite frankly (NO! It wasn't Donny Osmond!)

I'm looking forward to what tomorrow brings (eeep, I'd best get to bed because we start bright and early, one hour away from home...). I'm also looking forward to my first assignment. That'll be Tuesday morning at 10am.

I suspect I'm going to have some interesting dreams tonight.

Have you noticed that I've been writing more lately? I feel my authentic self returning full speed ahead and I like that person. A lot.

I am back from the Hospice in-service meeting. It was like being 'home'. I made the right choice in going back to this particular organization. I walked in and it felt like a huge hug. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it felt.

I'm so excited about being a story-catcher. That's what they're calling our group. Pretty neat, right? The volunteer coordinator, someone I've known for many years, pulled me aside after the meeting and told me that they'd like me to be the person to mentor the other volunteers and let them sit in and watch how I do things until they're comfortable in doing it themselves. I had a good reputation in the bereavement group for being a good listener and I'd take pages and pages of notes. We'll be using a small recorder, making my job a lot easier.

After the meeting I went up to the nook where I used to make calls to the bereaved. I ran my fingers across all the booklets and pamphlets that I've sent to so many people after talking with them, and took a deep breath. I'm so ready to begin, but have to go through training again before I get the reins again.

I don't mind, really. The stories and experiences we hear in training are always amazing. Besides, I can never get enough of playing patient and being rolled around in a wheelchair.

Reprinted without permission- but I'm taking the chance that Dr. Wolfelt will be OK with this.....

I'm thinking of you today, my friend, in the loss of your mother.

"There is nothing in nature that can't be taken as a sign of both mortality and invigoration." ... Gretel Ehrlich

I remind you that the word "bereaved," which to our modern-day ears can sound like an old-fashioned term that only a funeral director might use, means "to be torn apart" and "to have special needs." So despite its obsolescence, the word is still accurate and useful. Perhaps your most important "special need" right now is to be compassionate with yourself. In fact, the word "compassion" means "with passion." Caring for and about yourself with passion is self-compassion.

This article is a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself as you journey through the wilderness of your grief. If you were embarking on a hike of many days through rugged mountains of Colorado, would you dress scantily, carry little water, and push yourself until you dropped?

Of course not. You would prepare carefully and proceed cautiously. You would take care of yourself because if you didn't, you could die. The consequences of not taking care of yourself in grief can be equally devastating.

Over many years of walking with people in grief, I have discovered that most of us are hard on ourselves when we are in mourning. We judge ourselves and we shame ourselves and we take care of ourselves last. But good self-care is essential to your survival. To practice good self-care doesn't mean you are feeling sorry for yourself, or being self-indulgent; rather, it means you are creating conditions that allow you to integrate the death of someone loved into your heart and soul.

I believe that in nurturing ourselves, in allowing ourselves the time and loving attention we need to journey safely and deeply through grief, we find meaning in our continued living. We have all heard the scripture, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." To this I might add, "Blessed are those who learn self-compassion during times of grief, for they shall go on to discover continued meaning in life, living and loving."

Remember, self-care fortifies your long and challenging grief journey, a journey that leaves you profoundly affected and deeply changed. To be self-nurturing is to have the courage to pay attention to your needs. Above all, self-nurturing is about self-acceptance. When we recognize that self-care begins with ourselves, we no longer think of those around us as being totally responsible for our well-being. Healthy self-care forces us to mourn in ways that help us heal, and that is nurturing indeed.

I also believe that self-nurturing is about celebration, about taking time to enjoy the moment, to find hidden treasures everywhere -in a child's smile, a beautiful sunrise, a flower in bloom, a friend's gentle touch. Grief teaches us the importance of living fully in the present, remembering our past, and embracing our future.

Walt Whitman wrote, "I celebrate myself." In caring for yourself "with passion," you are celebrating life as a human being who has been touched by grief and come to recognize that the preciousness of life is a superb opportunity for celebration.

I'm heading out on a business trip tomorrow, and am actually looking forward to it for a change. I think it's because it's not too long of a trip. I leave tomorrow afternoon and I'll be back at about noon on Friday. I have plans with friends each night (assuming I don't get another sinus infection..) and I get to wear jeans to work.

I've told the other two clients that I'm unavailable next week. It'll be nice to not have to keep my brain on 24/7.

My cousin is declining rapidly which, based on what I've learned, is not a surprise. I'm doing what I can to be a comfort to her mother (my aunt) by checking in with her often and sharing what I know. Obviously nothing can take the pain of losing someone away from another person. All we can do is listen and invite them to share their pain with you. You never have to worry about saying the right thing, if all you're doing is listening.

I've now experienced family situations in which Hospice was allowed in too late and Hospice was allowed in right away. My Aunt tells me that Hospice has been a great comfort to them. My hope is that the three (ha ha ha) people who read my blog will take away what I'm sharing about Hospice and keep it in the back of their mind if they're ever presented with a situation in which Hospice is recommended.