Hospice

It's hard to believe that the grief support group is finished, but last night was our final meeting.

We (the co-facilitators) were asked to share our thoughts about each member's growth. I told Fearless Leader that I felt uncomfortable with this because I didn't see growth in everyone in my group, and it would be difficult to figure out a way to highlight the growth of a couple of people and not have the others feel slighted.

Fearless Leader quizzed me about the folks in my group- asking about the growth of each member. I had five members in my group, the youngest looks to be in her 60's. The two oldest (between 75 and 80) seemed to leave the group the same as they came in. But that's not a horrible thing, because they came in with less of a "lost" feel about them. They appeared to have already worked through a lot before coming to the group. Another member of the group came too soon, in my opinion. She just didn't seem to be able to 'feel' and so everything she spoke of had no emotion behind it. It was really evident at the end of group when we all got together as a large group (more on that later). I wrote about my discoveries about the 'newly grieving' that might explain what I mean.

That leaves the two that were remarkable. One (the youngest of the group) was someone that almost frightened me the first week, because her grief was so encompassing. The look on her face showed someone that was in a great deal of pain. Her face also showed a lot of fear. Each week, she seemed to lose some of that pain and fear and by last night I saw a whole new woman. I will be following up with most of my group with a call on a monthly basis, but hers is the one I look forward to the most.

The last was a man who showed a lot of bravado when he first came in. Some of the things he would say to the rest of the group made me uncomfortable because it almost felt judgmental. "I start my day with a positive attitude" "Grief is a mindset; you can choose whether or not to let it rule your life", etc... But every once in a while, his human side would pop in and he'd surprise me. Eventually I understood that this man was grieving as much as everyone else, but due unknown influences (the way he was raised? his general personality?) he didn't know how to show it. I think the statements he made were more about trying to convince himself to be this way, than a reflection of how he really was.

After our individual group session discussions (Exercises to help point out that they have made progress, such as "have you noticed a difference in how you were grieving in the beginning and how you are grieving now", etc.), everyone got together as a large group. Fearless Leader asked everyone, if they felt up to it, to share with the group changes they've noticed since coming to the group 8 weeks ago (9 if you count the week we didn't hold group).

Simply amazing.

That phrase kept running through my head as each person got up to speak. It was wonderful to hear how the group affected these 20+ people, and very rewarding to me that I was a part of someone's healing. It just doesn't get any better than that. It truly doesn't.

After group, I got home and talked to the bearded eye-roller for a while. Even though it was raining and completely dark outside, we sat on our back porch and shared our day together. Just like always.

I shared with him that, although this was a wonderful experience for me, I'm not sure I'm meant to be a group facilitator. I'm better with the one-on-one phone calls for several reasons. The two big ones are:

• Following a lesson plan, although brilliant and very important, felt scripted to me and it didn't feel natural. I had difficulty making the questions I was supposed to ask feel natural, no matter how much I tried to phrase it in my own way.


• It's difficult for me to focus on more than one person. I am someone who 'locks in' (for lack of a better phrase) on someone when we're talking and I find it very distracting to know that there are other people waiting for their turn.

Of course, I'll share these things with Fearless Leader and see what she has to offer. She's been doing this for a long time and she has seen me 'in action'.

The thing I would miss with the one-on-one phone calls is something I shared as I stood in front of the large group. This was all off the top of my head, so I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like this:

As some of you know, this was the first time I've ever helped facilitate a group. I've been making one-on-one phone calls to families who have lost loved ones on Hospice for over two years, and was thrilled when [Fearless Leader] asked me if I'd like to help facilitate a group. [one of the other facilitators] told me that it was a wonderful experience to see tremendous growth in people over a period of eight weeks, and she was right. When I make calls, I only have one conversation, so that person is 'stuck' in that place in my head as I think about them days or weeks later. Of course, I hope for them that they truly do heal and grow, but I'll never really know.

It has been a true blessing for me to watch each one of you grow, and, to learn and feel that there really is hope that life will go on. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this.

Amazingly enough, I was able to get though my message without much more than my eyes welling up. That alone, tells me that I've done some growing too.

I planned a lovely dinner for the bearded eye-roller tonight. He *loves* turkey, so I bought one a couple of days ago and planned to cook it in the roaster today. I told him to come home at 4pm so we could have dinner together before I had to leave for session 7 of the Hospice grief group. The plan was (I should know better than to plan, right?), that I'd run to the store on my lunch hour and get potatoes so I could make him home-made mashed potatoes to go along with my gravy he loves so much.

I worked from home today because I wanted the ability to work more hours on this project that is making me insane. I've been doing that a lot lately, which bodes well for my attitude since I don't have to deal with drama queen plus I don't have the four hour commute to deal with.

Well, as plans go... this one didn't.

I got the turkey in the roaster. Yahoo.

The rest of the day went down hill. In a big way.

I had these grandiose ideas for this training that I'm rolling out. While usually I am able to make my grandiose ideas work, this one went very, very wrong when I created a test file. The file ended up being 25 megabytes. That's just not gonna fly.

I played with lowering the image file size, to see if that would bring down the file size but still couldn't get it under 21 MB.

By the time BER got home, I felt that my world had come to an end (can you say DRAMA QUEEN?), so all I had to offer was a cooked turkey and a wigged out wife.

BER went into the best husband in the world mode, and offered to finish cooking dinner while I tried to figure out a way out of this work disaster. He made his own gravy, didn't blink when I said I didn't get potatoes for the gravy, and then made a salad and set the table.

I, on the other hand, was near tears; frantically trying to figure out a way to make my project work.

By the time dinner was ready, I had 10 minutes to go before I needed to leave for Hospice.

I shut down my computer and sat with him for the 10 minutes and tried to calm myself while eating. I knew that it was important that I showed up to the group, able to be fully present. I truly wasn't sure how I was going to accomplish that, since I was on the verge of tears.

I left, apologizing to BER for leaving such a mess (think Thanksgiving dinner), but the sweet man that he is said, "honey, it's my pleasure to do this."

Gah- how did I get so lucky?

I talked to myself the entire way to the Hospice group, trying to leave my work issues behind. When I got there, I was pretending to be calm and present. I truly wasn't, though.

As we got together as a larger group, Fearless Leader talked about various issues that get people bogged down in working through their grief. Wouldn't you know it- they were some of the same issues I was currently dealing with.

Within 1/2 hour, I left my worries behind and truly was present and available to my group. Suddenly, the drama from earlier in the day just didn't seem that important.

I had planned to come home and work after group, but by the end of the evening I knew that this wasn't what I was meant to do this evening.

Instead, I came home; kissed my sweet husband; and sat on the back porch with him- like we do every night.

I feel strangely calm tonight, considering the enormity of what might happen with this project. I believe that what I'm giving to Hospice is being given back to me ten-fold in lessons. Truly, there is no better way to get perspective on what's important in life.

I'm sure I'll figure out a way to make this project work. But if I don't? Well, nobody will die; I'll still be married to the best man on the planet; and I'll know without a doubt that I have so much to be grateful for.

Perspective.

We (the co-facilitators of the grief support group) received this email from Fearless Leader today:

Dear Incredible, Fabulous, Extraordinary, Wise, Fun, Special, Awesome, Gifted, Amazing, Unique, Bright, Compassionate, Giving, Dedicated, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, Co-Facilitators!!!

OK, now that I have you all warm and fuzzy just let your thinking drift into the question “Do you want to help with the next group that runs 10/5 – 11/30, Thursdays, 4-6 pm?”

My response:

I’ve given this a lot of thought and, based on my project list at work, I just don’t see how I can do it. You have no idea how much I want to do this, but I don’t see that “overwhelmed with too many things on my plate” issue letting up any time soon. After January, I shouldn’t have such a heavy work load and now have processes in place to help alleviate some of the ebb and flow of my job (mainly flow! I’d love more ebb!).

Please, please, please keep me in mind for future facilitating though-

Sigh...

I am excited though, about a *new* adventure I'll be having with Fearless Leader and I'm going to need help on this. Fearless leader has asked if it might be appropriate to reach out from my blog. My response? Hell yes! I know I have several readers who fall into the category we're reaching out to with this new project.

We're going to start a grief blog together, mainly to reach out to the younger (think of the word 'younger' as a relative term- you know, someone who likes to be on the computer -vs- afraid of it) people that don't have time or feel comfortable in coming to a group setting. I'd REALLY appreciate volunteers to help me formulate ideas for this blog.

Some of the ideas I have:

• A place where someone can write the story and place a picture (if they want to) of their loved one


• A section containing articles to help work through grief


• Resources


• Links to blogs of people who are writing about their own grief experiences (not sure if this will fly with legal, though...)


• Message board (maybe separated by type of loss- parent, spouse, child, etc.)


• Articles from Fearless Leader (haven't passed this one by her yet- but man, she's one smart lady!)

Contact me or in comments if you would like to help me with ideas and help critique things when they're done? Of course, if you help, you'll be given access to the site and have those resources available to you as well.

Last night, the bearded eye-roller and I were sitting on the back porch talking.

Gee- I could pretty much write that sentence every day, couldn't I?

Anyhoo- while usually we're out there yacking for at least an hour, some days we're out there until we can't see each other because it's so dark. Last night was one of those kinds of evenings. Judging by the clock, we were out there talking for just over three hours.

Somehow (don't ask me how!), the conversation spun around to "if I were to build a shrine for you after you died, what do you suppose would be in the shrine?"

Believe it or not, BER started this topic. He has seen some 'shrineish' things created after a loved one passed on such as a glass cabinet with mementos of that person (like their favorite boots, etc)

I know he has no intention of building a glass cabinet to fill with RisibleGirl items, fascinating as it might be....

Playing along, I told him that I really don't have anything that could go in a shrine that would really represent me very well. I think of myself as more of a conceptual person. You can't very well take my passions and turn them into something physical. The only 'thing' I have would be my wedding ring. Maybe a printed out copy of my blog- because as I've written here before, this blog is 100% authentic *ME*.

My 'stuff' is bigger than something you can put in a glass cabinet. The 'things' that represent me are more spiritual in nature. Mostly it's just plain ol' love and beauty Not *MY* physical beauty (even though... ha ha), but the beautiful things that I appreciate, like my garden and the beautiful hiking trails around here, and music.

So we thought about it some more and I said, well, maybe it'd be interesting to do a collage- kind of like the one we did in Hospice. Only, do it now.

If we had a gazillion magazines, it'd be really fun to do. Maybe I'll borrow some from Fearless Leader.

We started imagining the things each other might pick out to put in the collage. I imagine mine would have some sort of representation of the love for my sons, something to do with flowers and vines, something to do with music, something about helping someone who is down (physically or mentally).

BER imagined that his would have something to do with wheat (he spent many summers cutting wheat in Oklahoma), corvettes, technology, and wine (his hobby).

The thing is? The whole idea of the collage is to just flip through magazines and cut it out if it 'speaks' to you, rather than go looking for particular items. So, mine and his may very well be similar to what we've described for ourselves- but then again, it could be something totally different.

The more I think about it, the better I like the idea of doing this.

What do you think would be on your collage? And, if you have a partner (or have one that has passed on), what would be on theirs? Feel free to do this on your blog and then send me the link in your comments. I'm truly interested.

I'm taking the evening off! Yup, you didn't misread that last statement. I'm taking the evening off. I'll be in a conference for the next two days, and I'll be taking my laptop with me so I can take notes secretly work on my project.

Also? I've scheduled a pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Go me!

AND? I've told my manager that I'll be off for six weeks in January. She was totally cool about it (which I expected), and even went so far as to remind me that my birthday is at the end of January and she didn't want me to feel crummy on my birthday.

Yup, she's a keeper.

There's still a little bit of light outside, so I'm going to go enjoy it. In the meantime, I leave you with these important messages sent to me by one of my Hospice gurus.

If you're currently experiencing grieving a loss, this might be something great to pass on to your friends:

Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never get over it.
Please don't tell me he's in a better place.
He's not here with me.
Please don't say he isn't suffering any more.
I haven't come to terms of why he had to suffer at all.
Please don't tell me how you feel
Unless you've lost someone in the same way.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please don't tell me at least you had him for so many years.
What year would you like your loved one to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
Please just say you're sorry.
Please just say you remember my loved one if you do.
Please mention my loved one's name.
Please be patient with me when I am sad.
Please just let me cry.

Unknown Author

If you have a friend who is grieving, you might find this helpful:

How to Help Grieving People- What You Can Say, What You Can Do

• Read about the various phases of grief so you can understand and help the bereaved to understand.


• All that is necessary is a hand squeeze, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say "I'm sorry" or "I care."


• It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Let the bereaved tell you as much as they want when they are ready. A helpful question might be, "Would you like to talk about the death? I'll listen."


• Don't say, "I know just how you feel."


• The bereaved may ask "Why?" It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply, "I don't know why. Maybe we'll never know."


• Don't use platitudes like "Life is for living," or "It's God's will." Explanations rarely console. It's better to say nothing.


• Recognize the bereaved may be angry. Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find ways of handling it.


• It is good to cry. Crying is a release. People should not say, "Don't cry."


• Be available to listen frequently. Most bereaved want to talk about the person who has died. Encourage them to talk about the deceased. Do not change the conversation or avoid mentioning the person's name. Talking about the pain slowly lessens its sting. Your concern and effort can make a big difference in helping someone recover from grief.


• Be patient. Don't say, "You'll get over it in time." Mourning may take a long time. They will never stop missing the person who has died, but time will soften the hurt. The bereaved need you to stand by them for as long as possible. Encourage them to be patient with themselves as there is no timetable for grieving.


• Offer to help with practical matters such as errands, fixing food, caring for children. Say, "I'm going to the store. Do you need bread, milk, etc.? " It is not helpful to say, "Call me if there is anything I can do."


• Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not say, "You shouldn't feel like that."


• The bereaved may appear to be getting worse. This is often due to the reality of death hitting them.


• Depression is often part of grief. It is a scary feeling. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend or loved one is one factor that may help a person not to become severely depressed.


• Don't say, "It has been four months (six months, a year, etc.). You must be over it by now." Life will never be the same.


• Don't avoid the bereaved. It adds to their loss. As the widowed often say, "I not only lost my spouse, but my friend as well."

Funeral Consumers Alliance