Hospice

This information was in a handout in one of our support groups. I don't have the name of the author, unfortunately.

These suggestions are good any time of the year, but particularly during the holiday season. Treating yourself with care and affection is important in your journey through grief.

Be gentle with yourself. Don't rush. Be patient - healing takes time. Don't have unrealistic expectations.

Accept your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise. It's OK to be angry. It's OK to cry or feel depressed. It's even OK to feel a sense of relief about the death. These feelings are a natural part of grief.

Be attentive to your emotional needs. Acknowledge and applaud yourself for making it through each day. Discover the simple things that you can do to nurture yourself.

Be attentive to your physical needs. Be sure that your body is nurtured by getting properly balanced meals, adequate sleep and exercise each day.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They cannot cure grief. They can prolong, delay and complicate your grief.

Identify your support system. Finding people who are supportive to you can be a comfort. Calling upon them is a step toward caring for you.

Share your grief. Express your feelings to others that can support you. Don't hide your emotions from those who care. Sharing your grief can be a relief.

Give permission to change your routine. Although major life changes should be avoided, giving yourself permission to change the little reminders of your lost relationship can aid you in the grief process. Changing the furniture around in the house, the schedule of when you have meals or go to bed, or the place where you eat or shop can all be small steps toward building a new life.

Identify your trouble spots. Birthdays, anniversaries, special holidays, and even certain times of ordinary days may be difficult to get through. Special places may also be uncomfortable reminders for you. Knowing what times and places create discomfort for you allows you to plan ahead to face them. Giving yourself permission to feel the feelings is easier than trying to pretend the hurt is not there.

I'd like to do something this year to help both those that have lost someone and those who know someone that has lost someone. The thing I hear most when listening to grieving families on the phone or in support groups, is that people around them don't understand what they are going through and this makes it SO much harder for them. Eventually, the grieving pretend that they're not grieving just so those around them feel more comfortable.

I'd like to host a chat (maybe two) and have a panel of people who have lost someone. I'm hoping to get volunteers for the panel- people who have had any type of loss (spouse, child, parent, etc.), so all types of grief are represented. Then, I'd like people to join the chat that just want to understand what they can do and say to their friend, employer, or relative to help them- especially during the holidays. I would like this to be an open session of asking questions and giving answers- nothing scripted. Just like when I help facilitate grief groups or make calls, I'm not going to offer any advice. I'm just going to help direct the flow a bit.

If you'd like to be on the panel, please email me at , letting me know the kind of loss you've had. It doesn't matter how recent or long ago your loss was. Once enough folks sign up for the panel, we'll schedule a time that will work for everyone and then invite the public to ask questions.

I will then publish the transcript (names will be omitted) here on my blog for people to give their friends, families and co-workers. I'm hoping that this will help others be more gentle with the grieving, even if just a little bit, especially during the holidays.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this. It was published in a newsletter I receive from a local support group:

The Year Before Last

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...
the year before last?

Author Unknown

I'm going to start posting things to help some of my friends (even the ones I don't know about yet!) that have lost someone they love, make it through the holidays.

Fearless Leader held two seminars last week, and I had the good fortune to help out with both of them. I'll be attending a third, much larger grief event on Thursday evening. Between the three events, I have and will gather a lot of good information to share here.

I took pictures of some of the ideas that Fearless leader had around the room last Wednesday and thought I'd share them here:

Keep your loved one's memory alive. Light candles; make a toast; buy a gift they would have liked and donate it to someone in need.


Give a donation in honor of your loved one to a group or a cause they supported


Write to your loved one in a journal or in cards you wish you could give


Create a memory box, and have everyone who comes into your home write a memory of your loved one to place in the box. You could also use their Christmas stocking for this purpose.


These are just a few tips to get you started. I'll have much, much more as we get closer to the holidays.

I'd like to share with you a new tradition that we've decided to start in our home. Our next generation is starting to settle down into families of their own. We have people who are special to us that have passed on and we want to keep their memory alive for us and for our new families that haven't had the opportunity to meet them. This is especially important during the holidays, when their presence will be missed by many.

The bearded eye-roller and I are going to go ornament shopping, and will pick out an ornament that we feel is a good representation of our loved ones that have passed. We will wait until the entire family is together and then tell a story about each person, before hanging the ornament on the tree each year. Each story will be written down, so we can pass it on to future generations.

I often hear in grief groups, that people around them act as if their loved one never existed. They say that nobody wants to talk about them, or hear stories- much less mention their name. I wanted to do something that teaches my family (now and future) that it's OK to share stories and honor the people who have passed on before us.

Not only is it OK, it's important.

If you have someone in your life who has lost someone, please give them the gift of sharing stories of their loved one. Even just hearing you say that person's name is a comfort.

"Mary, I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, especially with the holidays coming up. Bob was a wonderful man and I will really miss [his laughter, his jokes, etc.]."

Just a sentence like that would mean the world to someone.

Stay tuned, more holiday tips to come.

Yesterday the holiday grief support seminar was cut short because the building was being evacuated. We're having severe floods in our area and they were predicting that the water would be up to mid wall of that building yesterday.

It was strange watching everyone pack their desks and seeing the computer geeks taking out the computers and copy machines. Someone was really on the ball though, because the flood warning came suddenly and they had a moving truck, boxes delivered, and movers hired to move the large things. In the 2 hours I was there I saw the building nearly empty of people and offices full of files and personal items- to a building full of working people and empty offices.

At the end of the seminar, I was in charge of escorting people to the front door of the building, due to HIPAA and the medical information contained in the building. One guy had to use the mens room before we forged on, so I waited for him just a few feet away. One guy, who worked in the building, got a little cranky with me because for all he knew, I was just standing there holding up the wall. He said to me, "wow- I'd sure like to have your job". Not thinking about how it would sound, I said, "I'm an escort". He just walked off, probably thinking I was being a smart ass.

Wow- Hospice services has really opened up their offerings, eh? Now they have escorts!

We're supposed to have another seminar tomorrow evening, and by then the rain and floods should have subsided. I don't know if the building actually got flooded- so don't know what to look forward to on Wednesday. I'm sure that Fearless Leader will find another spot for the seminar if the Hospice building is damaged.

Our house is up on a hill- in fact I'd be willing to bet that our house is probably at the highest part of the entire neighborhood, so we're very safe. There are lots of homes being flooded out around us, and as I watch the news, I am amazed at the people who won't leave their homes. Don't they watch the news? Haven't they seen what happens to people who won't leave when their neighborhood is being evacuated? Yes, I'd have a difficult time leaving my house, not knowing what will happen to it, but there comes a point where you're risking your life.

::shrugs shoulders::

I just got home from having dinner with the other grief musketeers and Fearless Leader. We thought it would be nice to go out together to celebrate the last session of the grief support group.

I've known Fearless Leader for, hmmmm..., well I'm too lazy to look it up in my archives, but I think it's been about 8 months. I've only known my co-facilitators since the beginning of July; when this group started.

It feels as if I've known these women for a long time, but I really didn't know much about them at all. I felt that I knew their spirit, and I felt that I could predict how they'd feel about things, but I didn't know the little details that make up their lives. When we've seen each other up until now, it's been to either lead our groups or discuss our groups, there's never really been time for much more than that.

So, tonight we learned about each other.

I learned that I was the youngest of the group (although we're all within 10 years of each other), and the most newly married. I was amazed at the similar life path that one of the other musketeers and I have had. We were married to our first husbands the same age, divorced our first husband the same age and married our second husband AT THE SAME AGE! We both raised two children as single women from the time they were six and eight until they moved out of the house.

What are the odds, really?

I suppose that it shouldn't be such a surprise that the four of us seem to have such a bond and commonality with each other. Since most people wouldn't be drawn to Hospice work, it would make sense that we have a similar mind set and a similar view on life. What would surprise people is the WICKED sense of humor emanating from the four women around the table. Our bond is grief and bereavement, yet we were doubled over in fits of laughter most of the evening.

It's been an honor to serve with these women and I look forward to the next time that the Three Musketeers and Fearless Leader ride together again.