Health

It happened. Tonight as soon as I walked in my house.

I'm fully prepared (I think) to hear on Monday, "Lori- this is your 60 day notice". Unfortunately, that coincides with the day I have the biopsy. My whole team has to wait until I'm done with the biopsy and am home so we can all hear our outcomes in person. I think. Maybe we'll be hearing one at a time.

I don't know. All I know is that management wanted to know when I'd be home so I (or we?) could get the news.

I also don't know the outcome of BJ's job. We may or may not find out on the 5th of December.

I also don't know how the biopsy will turn out. I hope I'll find out by the 5th of December.

All I know is that I'm feeling a little crazy right now. There are so many what if's going on in my head. What if the biopsy turns out bad and we BOTH lose our job and insurance coverage?

Thankfully, I have Cobra- but it's gonna cost us almost 1k a month.

I think that tomorrow I'll contact my doctor to see about getting some Valium (or something like it). The panic attacks are coming on more frequently and I'm starting to feel unable to deal with all of THIS.

I've applied for three jobs today, even though I don't know when I'll be out of a job- just so I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING.

Monday. I can't wait for Monday. At least ONE thing will be off my list of "what if's". Only two more to go. Two big ones.

I can't wait until I find out what the lesson is in this. Damn, I'd better learn it because I do NOT want to go through this again.

Ever.

I needed to contact family and friends so they didn't read about it first in my blog.

I finally got in touch with my doctor and was told that I have a cancerous looking lesion in my left breast. It's close to the pectoralis muscle and is 1.2 x .9 x .9 cm and in the 9 o'clock position. It's cancerous looking because it lit up when they introduced the contrast.

Now, this isn't necessarily cancer, so I'm having an ultrasound assisted core needle biopsy at 9am on Monday, Dec. 1st. Coincidently, that is the same day I find out about my job disposition.

Hoosa, what a day that's going to be. I guess the bright side to that day is that Dec 1st is also my friend Annie's birthday! Now THAT's something to celebrate!

Still no word on BJ's job situation. I *think* we'll find out by the end of this week.

As for me, I can feel stuff bubbling under the surface. Yesterday I had a full-on panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath for what seemed like forever. Eventually, I calmed myself but it was very uncomfortable and just came on for no reason (well, yeah, there was a reason- but nothing happened at that moment to bring it on). That's scary to me that I can't predict it or plan for it. (wow, am I a control freak or what? I want to PLAN for a panic attack?)

I'm thankful that the oven repair guy is coming today to fix my oven (that's what she said...). That gave me a great excuse to work from home. I fully believe that I'll be in a better head space and more able to predict and control my emotions next week so will feel comfortable going into the office. If not, I might call my neuro and see if we can adjust my meds temporarily. Between the panic attacks and the nightly wandering, it might be warranted.

I'm also thankful for two very special friends who have gone through this waiting, got the worst news, and came through it on the other side. Thanks for your email and support gals. And thanks for the information.

I'm hoping that Lucy (that's my left breast) is just being a drama queen as usual and things will turn out fine. If not, well, gosh I've been through so much in my 48 years and have come through it all shining- so why would this be any different?

I have made a habit of comparing "this" (whatever this is at the time) to the worst time in my entire life, just to prove to myself that I *will* get through whatever "this" is. It's been a good method of putting things in perspective for me. I suppose the thing I always compare stuff to might be replaced by what's going on right now if we both lose our jobs and I do find out that I have cancer. Even so, I have no doubt that we (BJ and I) will get through it because BJ and I make each other stronger and we have a knack for making each other feel safe and secure.

I know that as long as I have my family (which includes BJ) and my friends it's going to be OK. I feel blessed and comforted by all the support systems I seem to have generated over my lifetime.

This weekend, I plan to play laser tag with my boys. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the perfect day to me.

• If you'll recall, I wrote a couple days ago about forgetting to turn my oven on. Turns out, I didn't forget at all. My oven is on the fritz. I turn it on and as soon as it's at the correct temperature, it turns itself off. Good and bad timing. Good, in that this didn't happen the week of Thanksgiving, right? Bad in that it happened the week when I wanted to play 50's housewife and treat BJ to some nice home-cooked comfort foods. He's going through a really rough patch at work and I wanted to treat him even better than I usually do (trust, me the man knows he's appreciated and loved every single day of the week!) So, all of these 'need the oven' recipes are put on the back burner (so to speak) until tomorrow when the oven repair guy comes to save the day.



• Oh, and my beloved espresso maker? NOT on the fritz. Turns out she (yes, it's a female- I know this because it is really good at doing many things at one time) didn't like ground coffee. That's something we have in common. As soon as I remembered to buy my precious whole beans, she was right as rain. Phew!



• Still no confirmed word on the job front. Two more weeks and I'll know for sure. One thing that I keep reliving in my head is one of the people from the acquiring company saying to me after my 'interview', "You're someone that I'll never forget". I'm pretty sure a lot of people can say that (maybe good, maybe bad.) Reminds me of a quote I had on my whiteboard for a while- "We never touch someone so lightly that we do not leave a trace."~Ruth Gossen. I hope that I always leave a good footprint wherever I go, if not memorable.
  
  Many of my friends at work HAVE found out their job disposition and it's made for some very sad announcements. Whole departments getting cut at once and being told that they're being given a 60-day notice, but don't bother coming back tomorrow. I think that's really smart of the acquiring company because really, how many people are going to keep their head in the game as they tick down the days? Where will all of these people go? It just boggles my mind, and more so- makes me sad to think about it.
  
  I'm starting to receive email from people that I've worked with in the past, letting me know that they want to work with me (or me for them) again, but they're currently having hiring freezes. That's comforting to me, actually, because I'm not ready to leave yet. Maybe by the time I *am* ready to leave (or shall we say booted out), the hiring freezes will be over and all will be right as rain.
  
  At some point I'm going to have to figure out what I want to do "when I grow up". I've decided to not even give it too much thought until all the cards are on the table. There are SO many ways this thing could go with me. I'm just thankful that I don't have to compete for a job against the people I've worked with over the years. I've had the opportunity to work with many stellar people in my career here. I wouldn't want to even think about competing against any one of them.



• I'm starting to have some weird dreams about the outcome of the imaging I'm having done on Friday. I'd like those dreams to go away, thankyouverymuch. I have enough on my mind without worrying about the outcome of this test. I think it's reading the words "high risk" from my doctor on the order that is kind of freaking me out- to tell the truth. I'm REALLY good about putting stuff away in a little box to worry about later. Unfortunately, that little box is alive and well in my dreams. I really wish I'd start worrying about George Clooney or Hugh Laurie. I wonder if I can place an order for that sort of thing in dreamworld? I'll give it a whirl and let you know.

Brain: Bad. My neuro put me on a different version of the drugs that help me to not jerk around when I saw her last week. It is a long-acting version, and twice the strength. Go figure, but I've been violently jerking for the past week. She's decided to take me off of that and put me back on the other stuff just in case that's the problem. Of course, it could be that evil S word causing the problem (the word of the day is: STRESS). I've also been having problems with my speech and running into walls (I have to admit, that part is kind of comical). I've worked from home all week this week, mainly out of vanity. I just really don't like people seeing me jerking like that and walking and talking like I've had one too many. It even makes BJ uncomfortable, so I can just imagine how a perfect stranger (or co-worker for that matter) might react. I've already noticed today that I'm jerking less, so either I'm less stressed because I'm working from home, or it was the meds. Either way, yay. I'm sure my manager thinks I've checked out, but truly I haven't. (I'm feeling guilty about working home all week)

Speaking of which- my job status.... who knows? I'm still keeping my head in the game because that's all I can really do. I'm glad I volunteered to be on the transition team because it gives me some sense of being in the know- even though I'm not really. I have NO idea at this point what will happen to my employment, and probably won't know until December. I hope my brain doesn't implode by then. Good Lord, I'd like to take a nice long nap and wake up when this is all over. Seriously.

BJ says that I'm not acting myself these days. Hmmmm.... I wonder why? I haven't been very social with him and I hope that he never takes it personally. He says he doesn't, but I know that I get tired of being around myself when I'm like this. Don't you wish you could hang with me 24/7 right now? What? Nobody? Hmmmph.

I haven't been around the blogosphere since last weekend. I think that might be my norm for a while. Let it all pile up and catch up on the weekend. Deal?

There's more if you're logged in and want to be grossed out. Boys? I suggest you stay out. Trust that.