Family

I received a call from an attorney last Friday letting me know that my loved one has hired him to get him out of the psych ward in NYC. I told the attorney that I wasn't a big fan of my loved one being out of anywhere because he's still delusional. Firmly.

He sounds perfectly lucid, until he starts talking about the delusions. Then, unless you believe in magic, you realize that he has not budged a bit in his thinking. Unfortunately, he can 'hold' the lucid for as long as he needs to. I said that I was concerned that he'd be out on the streets and get himself in trouble because of the things he believes AND how he goes about proselytizing those beliefs. It truly frightens me.

I hadn't heard anything else until last night. The attorney called again and said that he just wanted me to know that he was going to have my loved one out of there by Wednesday or Thursday (tomorrow or day after.) They're just waiting for the court hearing. He said that he's sure my loved one has delusions, but he doesn't belong where he is. He's better off in a VA outpatient type of situation. He described horrible conditions of where my loved one is, and said that he thinks the psychiatrist is just keeping him there because my loved one is enjoyable to be around and is probably the easiest and most compliant patient he's ever had.

I believe that my loved one is very enjoyable to be around. He's very charming and a good conversationalist. I have a hard time believing that a psychiatrist is keeping someone locked up against their will just so they have someone fun to talk to. That just doesn't sit right with me.

I called my loved one after talking to the attorney. I'd just sent him a care package yesterday filled with books, two seasons of his favorite show on DVD, some motorcycle magazines and most important- a monkey snuggee. I wanted to let him know that stuff was on the way to him, whether he stays or goes.

We talked for about 45 minutes and in that conversation I found out that someone on the ward conked him over the head with a broom handle and then tried to stab him with it. Is that true? I don't know! I don't want it to be true, but I've never been in a place like that, and my loved one is saying lots of stuff that he 'believes' happened or will happen that can't possibly be true. I don't know what's true. He said he was going to save me the staple that's in his head, so I think it might be true. Gosh that makes me sad. How frightening that must be to be in a place where that can happen.

My loved one asked me to call his landlord today to get a feeling of what might happen if he shows back up in his town and then report back to him. I told him I would, but I can feel the stress bubbles all over my body at the thought. His landlord is a really nice man and has been very kind to me. I think I'm just having an "allergic reaction" to making phone calls for my loved one. Each time, it's been an unpleasant surprise.

I don't want my loved one locked there if he doesn't belong there. I really want to talk to his psychiatrist and see what is REALLY going on, but my loved one has invoked his HIPAA rights so I'm in the dark. They are treating him (according to my loved one) for bipolor, but that doesn't do much for delusional thinking. At least, that's how it seems on this end. My loved one doesn't feel like he is bipolar, so I'm going to make a prediction. As soon as he's released, he'll stop taking the meds.

We talked about therapy. He said that part of it has been good because he's able to talk about things he's never talked about with a professional. Some things he hasn't even talked about with me, like things that happened while he was in the military. PTSD is certainly on the table for both childhood AND military.

I had to be honest with him and tell him that I thought he was still having delusional thinking, but in order for me to not be 'the enemy', I said that it could be that I just don't understand. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but I had to do what felt best in my heart. I don't think me believing or not believing him is going to change what he believes, to be honest. I'll never tell him that I believe this stuff, but I can soften it a little. I also shared with him that I know how 'REAL' delusional thinking can be, based on my experience of when I had a reaction to demerol in the hospital about 15 years ago. I started hallucinating and you could NOT convince me that the balloons were simply balloons and not murderous clowns. I was also afraid to go to the bathroom because I thought the bathroom was the portal to the middle of the earth (yes, yes, I did!) and so I held on to those bars on the wall on each side of the toilet with all my might, just in case the floor started to cave in. This went on for a couple of days before I told the nurse that I was afraid to go to the bathroom and why. I can STILL to this day remember how real that was in my head. I think that experience really helped me to understand how, in the right circumstances, someone could believe that this stuff could be real. It certainly was for me, as wacky as it sounds to me now.

I need to build a fort around my emotions for the next while. It could be rough if we're back in the territory of not knowing what to expect with each phone call. The best defense is to not answer my phone and let stuff go to voicemail so I don't have to worry about making quick reactions and decisions. In situations like this, speed is not my friend. I need to write about it and ponder.

My loved one has certain dates that his "seeds" will activate. April 15th is supposed to be the 'big one'. I'd like to tell myself that once he sees that nothing happened, he'll say to himself, "wow- what was I thinking?" , but enough evidence points to the contrary.

I hate to even allow this thought out of my head, but I fear that this will never end.

My mom sent an email to family that her sister passed away on Saturday. She didn't find out that this happened until this morning. My aunt has had Alzheimer's for several years and didn't know who ANYBODY was, so in this case I do believe she's in a better place. I don't normally say that sort of thing because in MOST cases, it's a horrible thing to say to someone who's just lost a loved one.

Keep that one in your back pocket please, and don't be tempted to say it. If someone says it to you after you lose a loved one, tell them how that makes you feel so they discontinue saying those sorts of things. If the person who lost someone says it first and you agree, then it's OK to agree (if you do). Just don't be the first one to say it.

/end PSA

I didn't know my aunt well at all, so I'm very sad for my mom and my cousin but this isn't adding to my layers of "stuff". They both lost someone that they loved very much, and even though her mind was gone several years ago, the finality of it all will hit soon- if it hasn't already.

My mom sent the email to the other "layer" too. In the email she said that she hoped that the family could heal itself before its too late.

She makes a great point and this is something I'd tried to do for well over a year. At first it was hourly (stalker!), then daily, then almost daily, then weekly, then every once in a while. At the two year mark, I finally threw in the towel. I will go to my grave with my head held high that I've done everything that I could do to try to repair that relationship. I did things that were harmful for my psyche, but I didn't care. I wanted healing.

I've offered therapy, at my cost- her choice of therapist. I've offered to continue to be nice to her husband and continue to pretend that everything was OK, though THAT offer is now off the table because his moral code grates on my last nerve. I reminded her, when she was shocked that I didn't like her husband, that I told her the day he announced that they were getting married at the courthouse that I thought it was a HUGE mistake, and why.

I promised her that day that if she chose to go through with the wedding, I'd hightail it to the courthouse and support her even though I was given very little time to get there. I barely made it. I may sound like the suspicious type, but I've always suspected her husband didn't want me there, which is why he chose a day-out of the blue- that I'd be working from home 90 minutes away from the courthouse. I reminded her that I was kind and gracious to her husband the entire time after they got married even though he made it very difficult. I never said another word about my feelings toward him. I tried to like him and then he'd throw a wrench in the situation and I'd have to stuff my feelings. Then I'd start all over again. Like-wrench-stuff. Over and over again.

I wrote every letter to him that she asked me to, saying things to bolster his self-esteem. GAH, the idea nauseates me now, but I wanted her to be happy.

Instead of hiding his FB posts (I honestly didn't know how back then), I unfriended him because his posts grated on my nerves. The image he wants people to see of him vs. the real thing was polar opposite. I couldn't stand it anymore.

That set off a chain of events that I could have never imagined.

At the two year mark, I decided that it's best that I quit. I didn't really have much of a choice, actually, so I've had to separate the person I love- "1.0" version from the "2.0" version.

I've had to compartmentalize this person I thought I knew- the person I used to love and trust with my whole heart into this new person who I hardly recognized. Every once in a while 2.0 rears her head and lashes out again.

I think in a way, that experience prepared me for what I'm going through now. It's a little easier to let go because I see how damaging it was to me to continually throw myself at someone's feet only to be kicked.

I know in my heart that this 2.0 version is not the person I know and love. That's why I now have to think of the 1.0 person as dead. I just hope that one day 1.0 is resurrected and will realize that I never asked her to make a choice between me and her husband. She made that choice for herself for whatever reason. I have several years of history to back up that I put her (and him) before me. Always.

In a way, it was good for me to step away and see how unhealthy it was for me to be asked to keep secrets from her husband. Every time she said, "don't tell [husband], I had to eat my feelings about why keeping those sorts of secrets are a sign of an unhealthy relationship. No, it wasnt stuff like he was beating her or anything like that. It was other things. Things that made me worry about her ALL THE TIME. It wasn't really fair that I was told stuff, but then asked to keep it to myself AND be nice to him and NOT tell her how I felt about what he was doing. Up until that fateful day of unfriending him, I never said anything bad about him to her.

Sometime mid year last year, my dad sent an email about something innocuous. The email was about relationships and how important they are. It was sent to many people and not just the two of us. It turned into another round of vitriol with the explicit instructions for me that I was never to have any sort of contact with her family. Ever.

So, though I hope that she "hears" the message in the email my mom sent, I'm certain that 2.0 won't "receive" the message. I'm actually OK and accepting of that. I just hope that one day I'll see 1.0 again. I know our relationship will never EVER be what it was because I have loads of trust issues now. I used to be able to visualize us together again, but hard as I try- I can't. Trying to imagine it feels like I'm about to put my hand on a hot stove.

I leave for therapy in about 15 minutes. It should be interesting.

I was reminded by family a couple of days ago that calling, or even accepting phone calls from my loved one could slow down his progress toward wellness.

I think this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to force myself to do.... Not call to reassure him that I'm out here loving him and that he's not been abandoned.

I've heard several people tell me that he feels abandoned, and I think that's a HUGE hot button for me. Here's something I'll bet you've already figured out- I have abandonment issues. Ha! Raise your hand if you're surprised.

I'm guessing all hands are down.

As I thought about my last conversation with my loved one, it was crystal clear to me that talking to him is a no win situation for him, or me for that matter. If I tell him that what he's saying makes absolutely no sense, he will perceive me as the enemy getting in the way of his mission. If I don't say anything, I'm pretty sure he perceives that as me agreeing with him.

When we last talked, I held myself hostage to his delusional thinking. I wasn't expecting to hear the same delusions I'd heard over the last few weeks, but they slowly crept into the conversation and then started speeding down the delusional path we've been walking the past few weeks.

At that point, I felt stuck in listening mode and didn't know how to end the 'conversation'.

After spinning the conversation in my head for a few hours, I started chastising myself for being a roadblock to my loved one's progress.

It feels like I'm probably THE WORST person to be placed in this situation because of my OWN issues. That tells me that the situation is all up in my face for a reason.

Sitting back and looking at it from the outside, if that's even possible, I can clearly see that this situation is testing my limits. When limits are tested, there are lessons to be learned.

Here's the thing.... Based on conversations we've had, it's clear that he believes he's talking to people that he's not really talking to. I've been asked (and stupidly agreed) to contact several people who he believes he's been in contact with, who hold certain bits of information. Not one of those people had any idea of what I was talking about and haven't talked to him in some cases years.

That should tell me that he probably doesn't remember our conversations the way they actually went down. I need to continually tell myself that calling him is more for ME than it was for him. It makes ME feel better to tell him I love him and am here for him, as I've always been.

I need to do what I did when I felt like crying while involved with a Hospice family. I had to force myself to not cry (I have loads of tricks), because crying puts the other person in a position of feeling like they need to comfort you. It's MY place to comfort them.

Taking that same logic, I need to remind myself that if I truly want my loved one to get better, I need to step away from calling him or even trying to find out where he is. I'm not helping him. I can only harm him. I need to force myself to do the opposite of what comes naturally to me.

My loved one told me that I could call him today if I haven't heard from him between our last call and today. I'm becoming more and more anxious as the time rolls on. I'm worried that he'll feel abandoned, but at the same time I know that calling him is wrong.

I feel as if my heart is going to beat right out of my chest every time the phone rings because I know that I'll be placed in the position (in my head) of abandoning him if he calls me and I don't answer. To say it is painful, is an understatement. There is no "right" thing to do in this situation, and plenty of wrong things. I'm pretty sure I fall in the latter category.

That's me purposefully bonking my head against the wall.

I called my loved one today. I'd talked to him yesterday and he 'seemed' like himself, albeit drugged up. He's still in the hospital, thankfully.

Every day he tells me that he thinks he'll be out of there "tomorrow" because he's doing so well. Yesterday I asked him if he were released, would he continue to take the meds? He said yes, if that's what his doctor told him he needed to do.

Today was a completely different experience. He said he doesn't like how he feels on the medication and thinks it's hindering his ability to think.

...boy do I know how frustrating it is to not be able to use your mind when you're so used to stuff being immediately available.

I was hopeful yesterday, but after about 15 minutes, I could see that he still firmly believes everything that got him put there in the first place. He DID say, however, that he trusts his doctor a lot- but thinks his doctor is trying to mess with him. I decided to not ask what that means.

He said that he’s told his doctors that they can’t give family any information, and “don’t bother calling them.” He told me that he believes I was on a mission to get him committed and it pissed him off. I told him that I was NOT on a mission to get him committed; I was just doing everything I could to get him help each time he landed in the hospital. I reminded him that he was not himself and I've never seen this side of him before. I also reminded him that it was never me who called the police to have him hauled away. I just answered questions when doctors called me. I felt a moment of guilt- - because he was right. I WAS doing everything I could to get him help. I didn't lie though- I never did anything to place him in the various hospitals.

He now is telling me that he went to NYC just for me, because he knew they'd have good psych wards there. Every day the story changes. I told him that we are both adults and we need to quit protecting each other. I was getting tired of hearing “I’ve only done all of this to protect YOU”, "I've done all of this for YOU." It makes me feel horrible. Something I need to work through. I know in my head that this isn't true- it's just hard to make it stick in my heart.

I'm sure thankful I'm in therapy. That was one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.

My loved one called at 7am this morning. I answered because I was asleep and wasn’t fully aware of where the phone call was from.

So, here’s his story (the best I can cobble it together.)

He flew to Las Vegas. He met a Korean guy there and they spent the evening together (not really sure why that was important for me to know- but OK). Then he flew to NYC to get away from all of us (he says). He went to the hospital in NY to have them document the “stab wounds” to his thigh from the other hospital.

I’m guessing the stab wounds were shots to calm him down, but I chose not to interrupt.

He said that they kept him for one day at that other place and let him go because they couldn’t legally keep him. Note to family- if I’m ever insane, don’t take me to California- take me to New York.

He said he “kind of” trusts the psychiatrist there, which is good news. He also had a court hearing and lost (also good news.) He didn’t ask me to get him out of there (more good news), but wants me to call a woman whose son supposedly set up the charitable trust where all the millions are supposed to “drop”.

He wants me to call them because he wants to “keep his promises” (I’m guessing that means, divvy out the millions of dollars).

He sounds a little more like himself- he actually asked me if I was OK twice (pretty sure he heard the stress in my voice), which he hasn’t asked before. I told him I was fine. I told him I was glad he wasn’t yelling at me.

He said that they’re not telling him what’s wrong with him and asked me if I knew. I said that I only was only told that he needed help.

I'm whirling the idea in my head whether to call her or not call her. I've made calls for him several times and they've all told me, "I don't know what you're talking about." When I share that with my loved one, he says that's what they were supposed to say. It's really hard to have that twirling around in my head.

Twirling and whirling in the same paragraph. That pretty much sums up my head bright and early this morning.

No Valium for me for a couple of days because I start the three-day ambulatory EEG this afternoon. Valium affects the results.

I suppose that this situation I'm in and how my brain is affected, is the very thing the neurologist needs to see. It's stress (physical or mental) that makes my body lose control. I'm about as stressed as I'll ever be.