Family

New York laws are different than CA laws regarding involuntary commitment. Sixty days instead of 72 hours. I don't know a lot about this type of illness, but I would think in 60 days there will be some clarity of mind achieved through medication.

My loved one is SUCH an awesome person. He's the first person to volunteer to help someone. His neighbors (before all of this) loved him because he loved helping the elderly in his town. We both have a 'thing' for the elderly.

My loved one DESERVES to be well. The world is truly a better place with my loved one in it. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know.

I know that I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment, but I'm doing it anyway.

I think my loved one now has a fighting chance of getting the help he needs. I feel so sad that he's alone and probably feels like his family doesn't love him because I haven't "saved" him from this place. I hope that one day he'll return to the loved one I know and that loved one will know that I was out here rooting for him the whole time. THAT loved one knows that I love him fiercely.

I talked with his psychiatrist and case worker this morning and shared everything that I know. Going forward, unless he calls, I'll be in the dark due to HIPAA. I believe HIPAA is a good thing, so I'm OK with that.

Here's to hoping that in sixty days or less, I'll hear from the loved one that I know and love.

I saw my "normal" doctor (I have so many damned specialists!) today about more Valium. I was told by the neurologist who referred me to her that this doctor was not warm and cozy. She was all business. That was fine with me because I have plenty of hands holding mine.... Just need a doctor for what ails me.

Edited to add: Oops, I already wrote about seeing my doctor.

I've never seen this side of her. Probably because in the seven years we've been together, she's never seen this side of me. She said that Valium was short term (I knew that.. That's why I'm in therapy!) and because she thinks this situation will probably be long term, she doesn't want me to become addicted. I'm in complete agreement. Can you even imagine adding addiction to my list of issues? NO THANK YOU.

I haven't taken much of it so far. Lots of times it's just enough to know it's in my cupboard just in case I've had a particularly bad panic attack after a phone call.

Have I mentioned that I'm having an automatic reaction to the phone ringing? I'd turn it off, but I'm trying to run a business here.....

Anyway, she put me on anti-depressants to help support the underlying CONSTANT state of stress. Crossing fingers that it works.

I'm not a 24 hour mess, by the way. I try to get it all out before the hubs comes home. I couldn't imagine having to worry about what sort of wife I'm coming home to every day.

Also had my second therapy session with the new therapist. I REALLY like her. She used to treat abused kids and other stuff that is all part of the psychological makeup of yours truly. I probably will never fully disclose everything here. Just part of the layers.

My therapist told me today that she thought about me all week because she can't believe all the stuff I'm dealing with, especially considering the "layers". I walked out of there with my head held high because she said that I'm the definition of survivor. I really needed to hear that, especially from a professional.

We talked about the relationship that ended a couple of years ago that I thought would destroy me. It didn't. I now refer to that relationship as someone who died, because it's just easier to explain. I spoke with a Hospice counselor (one that I'd worked with in my volunteering days) back when it first happened, because i felt like I could no longer handle volunteering for grief and bereavement. I was too afraid that I'd cry at inappropriate times. She said that what happened is actually more difficult to work through because that person still exists and it's like a carrot dangling in front of me.

The counselor today said the same thing.

I think that the mere fact that I'm willing to write again, come what may, means that I've given up on that relationship.

Layers and layers and layers. I thought I'd worked through a lot of the childhood trauma over the four times I've sought counseling in my adult years. My counselor today said that my reactions to situations are cellular and deep, especially when it comes to my siblings. I was the oldest and I put myself in the position of protector. That's a very hard role to give up. It's a role that I will work VERY hard in giving up.

I'm thankful that I sought counseling before I developed unhealthy relationships/boundaries with my sons. I'm also thankful that I was at my best self when I married the hubs, because that relationship remains good and strong. It had/has a good foundation and I have no doubt that will continue, especially now that I'm allowing him to see me at my most vulnerable self. I didn't give him enough credit for his ability to support me in despair (I know, drama word- but that word fits like a glove.)

I'm going to be OK. I feel it deep in my soul. I have such amazing friends, kids, family (admittedly cobbled together family in some cases!) and husband. I feel loved and cherished. I'm taking that and running with it.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~H. Jackson Brown

I love this quote, and I'll tell you why. I love having discussions with people who aren't out to convince me to change to their point of view, but are just to help me to understand why they think the way they do. I really do enjoy having conversations with people who have a different viewpoint than mine, because I'm always interested in what makes people tick. I like to study people. People are so interesting, aren't they?

Who knows, I might learn a thing or two but rarely do I have a conversation about a topic that I haven't already thought through at some point.

Let's face it. I'm 51 years old and have pretty much thought through and made up my mind on all of the important stuff.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Just because I'm silent, it doesn't mean I agree with you. It means that I'm studying you.... in fact, my silence often indicates that I disagree with you, but I know that I’m talking to a “right-fighter” and my input will be perceived as arguing. Arguing isn’t very much fun to me, so I avoid it.

The Hubs and I couldn't be any different in the way we think about many things and what our core beliefs are, but I still respect his right to his beliefs and love the guy no matter what his beliefs. A big gap is our belief in life after death and a belief in a larger power than ourselves. I love it that we can talk about this stuff and end it with an agreement to disagree. Voices are never raised and respect of each other's intelligence is always part of our discussions. I guess one of us (probably him... ha ha ha) will find out that they are wrong after they take their last breath. I hope that I'm not the one who is wrong, but I'll find out sooner or later. I suppose that if I'm wrong, then there won't be any "finding out" anything. I'll simply end. It sounds kind of like waiting for retirement to come and once work ends, I lapse into a coma. What a drag!

I could even apply this thought process to the many people in my life that smoke. I HATE it that they smoke, but as an adult it's their decision as long as they don't do it in my house. I do things that other people might not agree with, but I'm an adult and it's my decision. Hmmmm... sounds like I'm pontificating.. but I'm just trying to make a point.

I learned a really good lesson this week, which is why I've posted the quote. I'm not going to get into the details because this blog is public, but will share that it had to do with one of my sons. I called him last night and a great conversation came out of it. What a great kid I have. He knows what he's doing, and knows what's best for him. I must have done something right with that kid, that's for sure.

Or perhaps, he was just born to be awesome no matter who his mother is (most likely the case.)

I can't even fathom that I am now a parent to a 30 year old. How did that happen? I'm sticking to my story that I was a precocious 12 year old.

I thought I loved having tots, but have to say that having adult kids is the best. I'm so thankful that I have a wonderful relationship with both of my 'boys' and my bonus daughter (a benefit of having great sons!)

We'll be celebrating a couple of times- - Saturday night with their friends and then we're taking them to Disneyland sometime in October. It'll be so fun to take the boys to Disneyland and not have to pay them to be nice to each other.

.....or will I?

I wonder if the price has gone up. It was five dollars back then. With inflation and the economy the way it is, who knows how much it would cost me now to pay them to behave.

Or perhaps I'll get all my money back and they'll be paying ME to behave. You know how I can be.

Hey, this blogging every day stuff is working out great! Two days in a row! Go me!

I have a new client as of today, located in Hawaii! Gee, how awful will it be to go visit them?

Of course, I'll have to take my entourage (my accountant, The Hubs; my designer, Son#1; and my soon-to-be new writer, Brother 1.) Brother 1 probably has no idea what he's gotten himself in to, but hopefully he won't notice until after the 4th quarter rush is over. Several companies seem to be waiting for that magical quarter to give me their contracts. It's gonna be crazy if they all follow through with what they're telling me.

I won't even get into what's happening in 2012. Suffice it to say, the train is moving down the track and there is no slowing it down. eeek.

So, rather than make myself crazy with dwelling on the work ahead, I'm going to write about reality TV. The Hubs wonders why I like reality TV so much, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I need SOMETHING to turn off my brain at night. Reality TV is my drug of choice. Arrest me, sue me, whatever you want to do- - just don't make me THINK! Justin Timberlake uses the wacky tabacky, I watch reality TV. We all have our vices.

With that said, I'm not confirming or denying that I watch Bachelor Pad, but if I did- I'd say that someone ought to create a new drinking game. Every time Vienna says "literally", people need to take a swig of their favorite beverage. Mine happens to be Fresca, so all that will do for me is keep me running to the bathroom all night. Thanks a lot, Vienna.