Family

It's raining here in the Pacific Northwest, so no Easter Egg hunts today- however I suspect we'll all find a way to have fun!

On the guest list for today:
Casey, Jessica, Riley, Jessica's mom, my Internet daughter- sweet Angela and her husband Colby.

A special shout-out to Angela's mom for letting me adopt her for yet another holiday. Thanks Incubator!

This will go down in time as one of my smaller holiday soirées, but I'm not crying a river over it. I like it when the whole 'family' can fit at one table. It's much more fun for me.

On the menu:
Prime Rib (even though I torment the kids every year that I'm serving 'bunny')
Garlic mashed potatoes
Asparagus (mighty fine looking asparagus, I might add)
Spinach salad

The girls (Jessica and Angela) are in charge of dessert and rolls. I told Angela that I expected them to be home-made. Ha!

To drink:
No doubt wine will be in the room, and for me and Riley? Grape Juice. Have I mentioned how much I love grape juice? No? Well, I do

What's on your menu and agenda today?

I have NO idea why this popped into my head, but I thought those of you with the humor of an adolescent (like me) might enjoy the laugh.

A couple of years ago, I received a birthday card from one of my aunts. It had an owl on the front with really big eyes (as owls tend to have.... )

I opened the card and it read, "Happy birthday to someone with a great set of hooters".

She then added her own sentiment- something to the effect that I have pretty eyes and that card made her think of me.

I probably should tell her sometime that yes, while I do have a nice set of hooters- it's not something I want to hear from my aunt.

I can't start this without giving you thanks for all of your support and love. I feel every bit of it and thank you for it. Some of your letters (email) to me make me cry with gratitude for the friends I've built here. I KNOW that one day I'll be back to regular posting and reading and commenting, and I'm looking forward to that day. Y'all have been so wonderful to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even though I'm not answering, you can be assured that I'm thinking of you and sending back the love you're sending me.

I decided that it was time that I do what I SAID I would do- seek psychological intervention, so I called my insurance company nurse advocate on Tuesday and filled her in with the feelings I've been having. Since my neurologist has me on off label use of meds that are used for various mental conditions, my nurse advocate said that instead of a psychologist, I should see a psychiatrist- so they can follow up with the meds and adjust me as needed. Especially considering the fact that my neurologist feels that she's done all that she can.

The nurse advocate gave me a short list of 'approved' psychiatrists in my area, and I called the first one on the list because I liked his last name (way to pick a psychiatrist, eh?). The psychiatrist's assistant said that she was going to ask me a few questions, then present it to the doctor to see if he would like to take on my case.

Hmmmm..... I didn't know it worked that way.

The questions were things like:
Do you have a restraining order against you?
Have you ever been in jail or prison?
Are you seeking psychiatric help due to a court order?
Has anyone ever reported you to child protective services?
Do you abuse alcohol or drugs?
Have you ever been a patient in a mental hospital?
Etc. Etc. Etc.

In case you're wondering, my answer was no to all of those questions. I felt fairly certain that the psychiatrist would see by my answers that I wasn't going to be too much trouble and would get a call that he accepted me as a patient.

au contraire!

I got a call yesterday that the psychiatrist did not want me as a patient.

Wow... and WOW. Maybe I should have asked why, but I thought that might make me seem desperate- kind of like when a guy breaks up with you. Just accept it and move on.... ya know?

Believe it or not, I think it's funny. I mean, who gets turned down by a psychiatrist? And yes, there are more on the list to call.

I'll follow up on Monday because this needs to be addressed and FIXED.

Michael called me yesterday and we had an interesting conversation yesterday about what is at the bottom of this dark hole of depression. Anybody want to guess?

If you answered "Lori, it's your job!", you're right!

It wasn't what you think, though. My dad, the bearded eye-roller, Heidi, my mother-in-law, all y'all (hey, I found out that that's plural for y'all!), have told me that I put in too many hours and work too hard. Yep, ALL y'all are right! But that's still not the root of the issue I'm having now.

This may be hard to understand, but here goes.... If I didn't have a job- I wouldn't be so affected by what has happened to me. I'm OK with myself at home, social situations (for a certain period of time, anyway), shopping, normal stuff. However, without a job, I'd wither on the vine. It can't be just any job either. I need to have a job that requires skills and knowledge that most people cannot do. Kind of like why I chose Hospice as my volunteer activity of choice. Most people wouldn't be able to do it, but I can.

As an aside, you may have noticed that I haven't posted about Hospice in a while- I had to give it up months ago because I couldn't keep up with work AND Hospice. I plan to go back after I retire.

Michael is a lot like me in this way. Our sense of self esteem is wrapped up in our job. It always has been for me. Years ago, I had two distinct personalities (not MPD!), one for work and one at home. Nobody could make me feel bad EVER at work. I was on top of everything and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. Away from work was another story. I had severe self esteem issues. It took years of work to get those two 'personalities' to merge into who I am today.

Michael shared stories with me about how his prior employer wanted to put him out to pasture three times due to health-related issues.

As an aside- one of the issues was that he fainted... ha! What a wimp! (kidding, bro!).

He refused to go to pasture.. instead he asked for another assignment until he was able to do his job properly- but he wanted his job back when he was considered OK to fly. Considering that he used to fly these things, I can see why they'd want him in tip-top shape:


Anyhoo- talking to my brother really brought a lot of things to light for me. Together, we came up with a good game plan which does NOT include me quitting my job or even working less. He understands that this would be the worst thing I could do for my psyche.

Instead, I'm going to go to our HR department to get help with how to communicate how this brain injury has affected me to my department. If it were only my manager giving me things to do, that would be one thing. I could just tell my manager; but the WHOLE department throws things over the fence to me without going through my manager (which is the way my job was set up). Somehow- some way, everyone needs to know why on one day I'm fine, but on another day I act as if half of my brain was removed. They also need to know why I say things that don't make any sense WHATSOEVER some times. I'm more concerned about how top dog perceives me, than anything.

If you're logged in, you'll find out why.....

Our family draws names at Christmas and my dad has me this year. Hmmm- I think he had me last year too, come to think of it.

Anyhoo- he asked me for my list, and then followed it up with another email:

Subject: Christmas 2
Hi Lori again,

I almost forgot. I believe the Rush Limbaugh web site, gift wraps.

Love again
Dad

Such a silly man......

I received an email from Casey yesterday. Subject line, "What do you think of this?". No text in the body, but a jpg file attached.

I assumed it was just a picture of the latest prank he and Cameron pulled. He likes to send me pictures of his handiwork because he knows I appreciate a good prank.

I opened the picture expecting a good laugh and what did I see? I saw a picture of an engagement ring in a lil' jewelers box.

I wrote back as soon as I saw that with, "YOU NEED TO CALL ME RIGHT NOW!!". (Yes, I used capital letters. That way he'd know that I meant business!)

He did as he was told and I received a call almost immediately. I could barely contain my excitement (still can barely contain my excitement almost 24 hours later!) It was pretty much a given that they'd get married eventually, but nothing was official. This seemed so 'sudden', so I asked him what made him decide to finally take that step.

He told me that it was the heart-to-heart that he and I had on Saturday. Casey and I had some time to ourselves to just sit and talk about lots of stuff. I really like it when I have one-on-one time with my kids (all of them, including the girls!), because it's quite an honor to be asked for my thoughts and opinions. I've tried to stay out of his business in this matter, because it's a huge step- but it just felt right to talk about it on Saturday since we had 'alone' time. I wanted to know where he stood in this relationship, mainly because there's a little boy involved. I wanted to make sure that his heart was in the right place and that he was doing what was best for him, as well as Jessica and Riley.

That's a lot of responsibility for someone who is only 24 years old, but then again- Casey has always been very mature for his age (well, in the things that matter.. ha ha).

I've always known that whomever is lucky enough to marry Casey would be in for a lifetime of feeling safe and loved. Casey just has that way about him. Even though he was the child, he always took care of things that needed to be fixed around the house. I've mentioned before that he replaced the gas water heater all by himself when he was 15, because I couldn't afford to pay for a repair person. That's just how he is.

I can say the same thing about Jessica. Whomever is lucky enough to marry her is in for a lifetime of feeling safe and loved. She has this way about her that is very comforting and peaceful. Casey must have listened when I told him to marry someone smart, because Jessica is smart and knows how to use it. She has a great business sense about her and I can't wait to see what she's going to do next.

As a mother? She's tops. Seriously. Perhaps I'm prejudiced, but Riley couldn't be more perfect. Of course, I'm going to take full credit for his perfection, saying that he gets it from me.

Actually, I'm a very bad influence on him.


Wow- I've gone on and on here, haven't I? As you can see, I am so happy with the choice Casey has made.

I hope Jessica doesn't mind, but I'm going to quote from her blog this morning (no- you don't get the link!):

The most wonderful part of the evening was driving home through the part of downtown that is all lit up for the holidays. Then I asked him if he felt different. He asked what I meant. I answered that I wasn't sure something had just changed. He said yes, he felt as though nothing could ever go wrong now. And it clicked. That is exactly what I felt. Everything came into place. It's like the stars aligned and all is right with the world because I know we will always have each other. I know it sounds corny, but really everything is so perfect and magical. I just love it. I don't think I have stopped smiling yet!!!

Jessica, I can't stop smiling either. You two truly are perfect for each other.