Dreams/Nightmares

Alright, in the grand scheme of nightmares, this is really STOOPID- but this morning's nightmare was one of those 'naked in front of the classroom' type of nightmares. I'd rather have a slashing of my throat nightmare, personally. The psychological reasoning behind that statement is probably one that requires more study (heh)......

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, queue in the dreamy-nightmarish harp music...

Someone with power over me (no idea who, but really- they had to possess a LOT of power to make me believe that I had to do this) required that I do a one person play of the Wizard of Oz. Not only that, I had to make my own props and sing everything acapella. Oh, and I had one day to put everything together and I'd be performing in front of a HUGE audience. Even worse? They were all people that I know either from work, family or old church acquaintances.

Note: When I used to sing in front of audiences, I preferred to sing in front of people I *didn't* know. I'd rather sing in front of 10,000 strangers than one person I care about. I'm still that way. I won't 'perform' (piano, singing, or otherwise) for anyone I know. Period. Hmmmm..... more psychology studies necessary, perhaps?

So, there I was, opening night and I couldn't find the props I needed, and I was making the yellow brick road and poppies out of cheap construction paper and hanging them with scotch tape- which I *KNEW* would never stick, but that's all I could find. The witches bike? Yeah, that was my programmable (with lots of LCD lights!) exercise bike. Apparently I couldn't find a normal bike. I remember thinking in my dream that NOBODY is going to fall for an exercise bike being the witches bike- ESPECIALLY due to the fact that I had no time for costume changes. I was wearing the same outfit (tanktop and jeans, no less) for every character in every scene.

I just finished a huge crying jag right before the curtain came up because I knew those songs would sound horrible if sung acapella. Oh sure- "over the rainbow" would be fine, but could you imagine "follow the yellow brick road" without music or the munchkins? I didn't think so. I did *NOT* want to do this because I knew I'd look like a complete fool, but I felt compelled to do it because of whomever was in charge .

The end of the dream was most interesting though. I dreamed that my mom was in the back row and I overheard someone telling her that if she were in charge of production, the whole play would have gone off without a hitch. I remember thinking to myself that this person was completely right, and in real life even, that's true. My mom has a knack for putting together talent shows and things like that. They end up looking perfect, but I know it's a LOT of work. I've grown up witnessing how much effort my mom puts into these things.

I woke up right after that and, while awake, I acknowledged my mom's mad skillz at this sort of thing and thankful I'll never be thrown into a situation like that. I can honestly say that the production aspect of the dream-being so haphazard, was most of the painful experience because I only want to be associated with perfection (yeah, I'm fun like that...). If someone else was in charge and took care of the details- and that stuff went without a hitch- and all I had to do was perform, it would have been 90% less nightmare (but a nightmare just the same...)

I was mortified throughout the entire nightmare and was so relieved when I woke up. Of course, now I have "follow the yellow brick road" stuck in my head.

Arrrgh.

I knew that it was an urban myth that seeing yourself die in your own dream means that you are about to die in real life, mostly because I've seen it before in my dreams and am alive and kickin'

I looked up the meaning of seeing yourself die in your own dreams and after reading it, everything made sense. I personally do not believe that someone else can interpret your dream, but you can find clues from other people and see if it fits. This one did.

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes do not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

Both the negative and positive are quite applicable right now. I've been dealing with a situation for about a year that has caused me a lot of anguish.

Last Saturday that issue came to a head and by Monday, I finally put my foot down and decided that I come first. It was scary for me, because my husband has asked me to continue dealing with and being involved in the situation, but very necessary for my own mental health and well being. I've drawn my line in the sand and will go no further. After truly listening this time, my husband understands why I've had to do it and said he'll support me in my decision to end all contact with this person.

I see that dead body in the ditch as the old me; allowing other people to drive (thanks George Hamilton!) parts of my life even though I might end up a bloody mess in a ditch. The words "feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life" and "trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation" made complete sense to me; as did "moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind" and "Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits".

All of it VERY applicable and meaningful. In a good way....

Visiting people after I died and having them question my death. Hmmmmm…. Maybe I worry that I’ll be tested. “Are you sure you (the old you) won’t come back so we can go visit?”

I’m not sure the significance (or perhaps I don’t want to see it) about being so upset after seeing the sympathy card to my husband. That piece doesn’t make a lot of sense to me in this interpretation. Maybe I was upset because he has forever lost the support (or, more applicable, someone to play interference) he had when we’d visit that person together. Maybe the tears are that I feel sad for him that he’s facing this alone PERMANENTLY, or that he's being put in the horrible position of having to face this person and try to explain why I will no longer participate when she won't let it go. So far, we've had good excuses why I wasn't there the last three visits (mainly Hospice).

Who knows...

Or, maybe this is just a bunch of hooey.

I know one thing though. From now on, I will avoid getting in a car with George Hamilton.

I've always heard that you're not supposed to see yourself die in your own dreams, but last night proved to be the exception to the case for me. Actually I’ve seen myself die in a dream before, but this dream was very disturbing, because it just kept going on and on.

George Hamilton (yes, the 'actor') was driving me around in a convertible. Not sure why GH was in my dream, but I seemed to be familiar with him enough to tell him that he was driving too wild. Turns out that I was right and we crashed and rolled into a ditch.

I saw my dead mangled body outside of the car in a ditch.

Then I saw myself (it was like watching a movie) walk away from my body and GH walking away from his. I was angry with him and told him that he should have been paying attention. Just like in a movie, my 'spirit' looked fine- no scratches or blood, but in the background I could see my body.

In the next 'scene', I walked up to a co-worker (someone that I don't really know all that well) and said hello. He looked at me, very surprised, and said, "I thought you were dead". I told him that I was dead, but I was visiting people and he was on my list. I was interrupted by people who were trying to confuse me. I don't remember what it was they were doing, but I remember that they were frustrating me on purpose and I ran away from them.

My next 'visit' was to my home. My husband wasn't there, but I saw several flower arrangements on one of the tables. There was also a card on the table, so I opened it. The card was a sympathy card to my husband for his loss OF ME.

It was then that I cried, and I guess I was really crying, because I woke up sobbing in tears.

Again, very disturbing, and not sure what to make of this dream.

Wow, I feel like I've been SO out of touch after my laptop went kaput. It's taken me until this morning to get everything in working order. I still have a couple of things that I need to tweak, but I'm not going to worry about it for a while. Instead, I shall write and read. Two of my favorite things to do.

Last night I had a very disturbing dream and I'm still having a hard time shaking it.

This dream took me back in time to when my boys were five and six years old. The circumstances in the dream were similar enough to what really happened, so when I woke out of the dream I was pretty shaken up. It was as if I was right back in that emotionally scary and vulnerable place I was back then.

In this dream, I was at my parent's house. Michael (my bro') and Heidi (my sis) were there as well as my oldest son. I think it was a holiday. My youngest son was on an errand with my ex-husband (whom I was still married to in this dream). I was standing in the kitchen making something, when my youngest walked in without his dad. I asked him where his dad was, and he said that his dad was with his (and then he stopped mid-sentence).

I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I did back then in real life, and I asked my youngest to please tell me- even if it was a secret.

I finally got the information out of him, that his dad was with one of his girlfriends.

Then the dream just started unraveling and fast-forwarding to the point where I realized that my ex-husband was never coming back and I was left with these two small boys and no money. I had a job, but my ex had cleaned out the checking and savings accounts and left bills unpaid for at least two months. All of this really happened and I felt just as desperate in my dream as I did in real life.

I can still feel the panic as I write this.

In my dream, I asked my family (including my brother) if we could live with them until I was on my feet. They all said no. I asked my sister if she'd be OK if I moved into the same apartment complex as she did. She declined as well, adding that it'd be inconvenient because I'd probably ask her to babysit. In real life, NONE of this happened, nor would it. For one, I'd of never asked because I was Just.That.Stubborn and independent. But in my dream I DID ask and was declined, then felt completely helpless and hopeless.

Just as hopeless as I did in real life.

In my dream, I told the boys that we'd have to move into a smaller place and they'd have to get rid of all of their toys so everything would fit. That just killed me, but even at their young age they understood that they'd have to make sacrifices and were willing to do it. It was then that I woke up, literally crying.

I was crying because these young children of mine had to makes sacrifices for their dad's selfish act(s), and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

I honestly feel that I've forgiven my ex-husband long ago for these things that he did, but dreams like this make me truly wonder. Perhaps it's that I've forgiven him for what he did to me, but haven't forgiven him for how my (OK, our) two boys were affected.

I also wonder why I'm having this dream now? What is this dream trying to tell me? Even more curious; what has been going on that has prompted this dream?

As I sit this morning and think about it, I think that this is one of my core issues. I have no problem forgiving people for what they do to me, but forgiving them for what they do to people I love is another story.

Is it even really my place? And why am I so easy to forgive trespasses against me?

It looks like I have some pondering to do.

Stay tuned.

Did you know that the devil looks like Spongebob Squarepants? Well, in my nightmare he did.

Zoiks, what a nightmare I was having this morning. It was the type that you think you're awake and can't move your body. I kept trying to move, tried to roll over, and tried to get out of bed so the nightmare would be over, but I couldn't move a muscle in my body. F.R.E.A.K.E.D. me OUT.

So, there I was, paralyzed and shadows kept swarming over me. I was lying face down, so I couldn't see what was making the shadow, but I saw shadows. I also felt *things* sitting and pushing on my body (BJ was in the shower, so I knew it wasn't him). Suddenly the shadow came down next to the bed and that was when I saw a VERY SCARY looking Spongebob Squarepants. I wasn't sure if it was a nightmare or real and tried to move but couldn't. I couldn't even move my head.

Those big eyes and spongy head. Wow- it was scary. (OK, I know you're laughing that I'd be afraid of Spongebob Squarepants!)

BJ got out of the shower and opened the bathroom door just after I woke up. I told him about my scary dream and he made fun (of course!) saying that he always thought that Spongebob Squarepants looked kind of evil.



I dragged myself out of bed and came into the living room to start work while he got dressed. I heard a bunch of commotion in the kitchen and asked him what the heck he was looking for. Suddenly from around the corner came a Spongebob Squarepants sponge that someone had given him as a gag gift. BJ said (in his best Darth Vader voice) "I am Spongebob Squarepants and I'm from the dark side".

He sure knows how to make me laugh, even if he is mocking me.