Dreams/Nightmares

I had a nightmare while we were at my parent's house, that BJ decided to leave me. It was horrible because, in the nightmare, he actually moved out and then came back 'pretending' that he was back for good. However, he was doing things that made it obvious he was preparing for a more permanent departure.

"I think we should sell the house and move into an apartment. Then you wouldn't have to spend so much time in the garden" or "I think we should sell some of our stuff, that way we'll have more money in our checking account"

Whenever I'd question him about all that he was doing, he'd do his best to assure me that I was imagining things. I'd pretend that I believed him and it was really hard on me.

To be honest, it was very much like when my ex-husband left me in real life, so it was all very real to me and left me feeling very empty for a few hours after I woke up.

Last night, I had another one of those dreams that BJ was leaving me. I'm still really disturbed because it was so horrible and seemed to go on so long. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I can't make that feeling go away.

Those that have read my blog for a long time know that I've had issues with BJ's crazy step-mother. Part of the reason she's such a thorn to me is that she did all she could after BJ's dad died, to convince BJ (and who knows who else) that I was a mean and horrible person. That's the basis of this nightmare. I think it came from my trying to find a mother's day card to send to her that wasn't all "oh- you're such a great mother". Sadly, there aren't any "I wish you weren't a part of our lives" mother's day cards.

... so I guess the following nightmare is basically Karma for me having those evil thoughts while shopping for a Mother's day card for her.

In the dream, she finally convinced EVERYONE that I know, including BJ, that I'm an evil and horrible person. I'd been out somewhere and came home to a house full of people that hated me because I was such a horrible person. The step-mother was dragging me around by the arm to person after person to tell me that I didn't deserve BJ or deserve any friends and that FINALLY people believed her that I was evil and mean.

BJ wouldn't even talk to me in this dream, no matter how much I begged him to listen to me. I wanted to tell him that I'm not that person that she'd convinced everyone I was- but it was like talking to a wall. The step-mother was standing next to him smiling like the Cheshire cat. All around them were people yelling at me.

I left the house and outside were friends from work that the step-mother hadn't talked to yet, and they assured me that I'd be fine in the end- even without BJ. I was relieved that I had at least a few people that believed in me.

Then the step-mother came outside and convinced my work friends of what a horrible person I was. She then directed her awful diatribe to me, saying that she has told BJ from the beginning that he should leave me because I am always sick and I'm fat and now have turned stupid.

Finally, I found a shack on our property that I'd never seen before and went inside. Inside, were a bunch of people smoking crack and they seemed really nice. I told them that if they'd continue being nice to me, that I'd let them live in that shack for free. They agreed.

I guess it's easy being nice to a horrible person if you get to smoke crack in their house for free.

The dream ended with me walking outside and there was nobody around except BJ and his step-mother. He saw me come out of the house and turned his back on me and walked off. His step-mother just stayed there staring at me with a big evil smile.

The end.

Happy Mothers day!

I have lots of minuscule things to write about, so it's time for a this and that. YAY!

• Yesterday was our 4 year anniversary. I meant to blog about it, I really did. I even put my wedding video on my You Tube account in preparation. After looking at it again, it's very apparent that Heidi and I have lost a truck ton of weight since then. Go look at it if you're interested. It's a brief 7 minutes- exactly what we wanted. Quality over quantity and all that. The person presiding over the wedding couldn't have done a better job. I *LOVE* everything he said and it's so meaningful. He talked to us for about a half an hour before the wedding and I truly believe that his words were meant for us.



• We're off to visit my parents and brother (Joel) for a couple of days. I'm not sure if I'll have access to Internet- so you may not hear from me until Sunday. I think we're going to see some hieroglyphs on Saturday so hopefully I'll have some awesome pictures.



• Have you ever had a part 2 of a dream on the following night? I never have before (that I can remember anyway), but last night I had part two of a very convoluted and disturbing dream. Part one consisted of lots of people coming to stay overnight at our place in preparation for a camping trip. They were complete PIGS and SLOBS. They even pooped in the bathtub and left it in a tub full of water. GROSS! (what is wrong with my brain?) This was just one of many things. Oh, and in this dream, I discovered a whole new floor to my home that I didn't realize we had.
  
  Part two consisted of me being the tour guide on a bus full of these people taking them to the camping site. I don't remember ever getting there.



• Then, a VERY disturbing dream. It would really bug BJ because he's pretty clear about the fact that he doesn't want any pets. In this dream, I was walking in my neighborhood and found four abandoned Great Dane puppies. They were all rail thin and close to death, so I brought them home. This dream went on for quite a while and by the time I was done, I'd adopted something like 30 cats along with these HUGE Great Danes (since I'd taken such good care of them). My house was overrun with animals (hmmm... BJ was nowhere to be found at that point.)
  
  My dream went on to giving the Great Danes away to good homes, and then one day I saw two of them running around a gas station in sweaters (do they even make sweaters in that size?) I was so happy to see them that I cried, and even woke myself up from crying.


• Lastly, I also had a nightmare last night that my backyard was full of dead animals, and when I looked over the fence I saw hundreds (if not thousands) of decapitated baby pigs, and rats running wild in my back yard. I was freaking out not knowing how I'd ever get rid of all of those dead baby pigs. Wow, huh?

I've been having LOTS of crazy dreams this week. I hope this doesn't mean I need to up the meds again. I have a follow up appointment with my neurologist a week from Monday, so we'll see if things clear up.

I've decided to try to lower the seroquel to see if I could eventually get off it. I'd love to not have to take 5 sets of meds a day. I've tried to stop the klonopin, but that's a no-go. If I don't take it in the evening, I'm jerking around all night and all through the next day. This may be a lifelong thing. I'd be OK with just taking vitamins, ya know?

Anyhoo- I've been taking 100 mg of seroquel and I tried to take it down to 75. I've gone from not remembering any dreams to CIRCUS DREAMS again. Wow- it's amazing what 25 mg does.

Last night I had a dream that one of my blog friends moved next door to me. I've never met her in person, but I've 'known' her online since pretty much the time I started blogging. She and I have a lot of very freaky commonalities. Sometimes I wonder if we were separated at birth. I'm not sure if she'd appreciate the comparison though...

She's been on my mind lately because she's in the middle of moving to a new place AND she's taken on a wonderful cause. Please donate if you can. If not- then please send your good thoughts.

By the way, she cusses in her blog. Personally, cussing doesn't bother me because I feel that swear words are what you make of them. I know that there are some that read my blog that are sensitive to that sort of thing, so thought I'd warn ya.

Anyway, since I've never met her in person- I have no idea what she looks like. In this dream, I knew that she was the person moving in next door- but she didn't know that she was moving in next to me. I decided to surprise her.

I looked and looked for a red head- and there were none to be had, UNTIL....

Up pulls a repainted Oscar Meyer Wienermobile (repainted blue, in case you're wondering) and what do I see? A redhead driving it. I knew then, that it was her. She'd have the moxie to pull off driving a repainted Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.

...an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. WOW.

Anyway, I'll give the 75 mg a whirl for the rest of the week to see what happens. I have to admit that my wacky dreams provide me loads of entertainment. It'd be tempting to stay at this level because I love to break apart the wacky dreams- but there's a downside. I'm not getting good sleep, so I'm super tired.

In case you're from another planet and don't know what a weinermobile is, here ya go:

On days that I telecommute, I generally don't pay much attention to my appearance until around noon. That's when I shower and comb my hair.

Why do you need to know this? It's so you know why I haven't looked in the mirror yet.

I'm on a conference call right now, and sometimes my mind tends to wander when the speaker is not particularly engaging.

With that said, my mind wandered to a dream/sleep walking incident last night. I remembered having a dream that I was plucking my eyebrows- only this dream seemed real, very much like the dream I had about smoking a cigarette.

As soon as I had that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that it wasn't a dream, I literally RAN to the bathroom to check the mirror. It couldn't have taken more than two seconds to get to the bathroom, but in that amount of time I had all kinds of horrible images run through my head.

I was happy to see that I did NOT pluck all of my eyebrows off, nor did I come up with some funky eyebrow design.

I DID pluck my eyebrows though, and I did a very fine job actually.

I have a feeling my life is going to be very interesting (and suspenseful) until I get this sleepwalking/salad making/cigarette smoking/eyebrow plucking thing worked out.

Egads. Can you imagine the possibilities?

It's a good thing I have an EXCELLENT sense of humor.

PS- I told the bearded eye-roller that I wanted him to be forceful with me if I ever try to smoke one if his cigarettes again. Being forceful also applies to running down the streets naked, just in case that comes up.

I had a nightmare last night. As nightmares go- it wasn't the super scary kind- just would be super embarrassing if it really happened.

~Pipe in scary nightmare music~

I was walking past a mirror in a store and noticed that one of my eyebrows had hair about three inches long and was just hanging there. Not all bushy and sticking out like a Scotsman, just hanging there like bangs. Only it was an eyebrow.

I was MORTIFIED! It then occurred to me that I had poor lighting in my bathroom and couldn't see the left side of my face very well. Of course that doesn't explain the fact that if I did truly have 3 inch eyebrows, I'd have to kind of push them aside to put on my eye make-up, now does it?

~Back to reality~

You can bet that I headed straight into the bathroom as soon as I woke up and put on the 10x magnifying lighted mirror. checking every angle very closely to ensure that it was a nightmare and not real.

In doing so, I've decided that all that work I put into making my eyebrows a little thicker has been for naught. A little tweeze here- a little tweeze there and then you have the too thin brow line.

BUT, it's so much better than having 3 inch brows. Right? RIGHT?