Head Bonking

Life lesson #4,529: There is not enough Lori to go around, no matter how far Lori tries to stretch herself. I'm happy to report a very speedy lesson. Ummm.. well.... speedy in the grand scheme of things.

My business has been wildly successful; more successful than I'd even dreamed. That's saying a lot because I'm a big dreamer.

I've known early on that my business was successful due to the unique skill set I had to offer. I can say with full confidence that I'm the only person in the U.S. with my skill set, and I'm selling my skill set when I market to new clients so farming out the work is not an option. Cameron is coming along nicely in his training, but he's still 20 years behind me in experience so there's some catchin' up to do. I have complete faith that he'll be able to do anything that I can do eventually, but for now- the bulk relies square on my shoulders.

I was asked by "Big Fish" to up my hours from 30/week (starting January) to 40/week (starting March). I've been at 20/week since 2009. I thought that would be an awesome way to speed up to retirement. What I found was that it was a quick way to make lots of money, but in the end took a toll on my liver condition and took me away from my original goal to build my business to have a variety of customers. I was unable to offer the same customer service that my other customers were used to and so I've asked Big Fish to cut back my hours to 24. That's not as drastic as it may appear. At 24 hours I'm still making WAY more than I was making as a full time employee at my previous employer, PLUS I have other clients. Oh, and my sanity. heh.

Here's a tip from yours truly: Money isn't EVERYTHING. Money does NOT buy happiness. I already knew that, but I thought that I was responsible to make as much money as was being sent my way. I'd made my intention known that I wanted a successful business, therefore I felt that turning business away was irresponsible. What I found was that I was not taking care of myself. It was a very quick and painful lesson. One that I'm going to pay attention to.

It was a bit of a rocky road to climb out of the hole I'd made for myself, but I'm getting there.

I've learned that my neurologist was right that since the head injury my brain does NOT work right when I'm under too much stress. I forget things and become very confused. I can't even write well enough for spell-check to figure out what word I'm trying to use. Even worse, I'd become so wrapped up in working that I forgot to order my head meds (from the brain injury in 2007) refill from the mail order pharmacy and had to go cold turkey for six days. Each day became exponentially worse than the previous with the bottom completely falling out over the weekend. It was quite ugly. I called my doctor on Monday and she said that this was extremely dangerous and I should have called for a temporary refill on the drugs until the mail order drugs came in. So, I got that last night and feel much better today. Still feel like my brain is bouncing around the inside of my skull, but at least I don't hear funny sounds when I move my eyes. (weird, right?)

Underlying all of this is the frustration with my inability to walk. All of this began two years ago in May. Can you believe it? Tomorrow I go get a shot in my tendon (does NOT sound at all fun.) Not sure what the shot is, but the surgeon said it's not cortisone. She said it was an anesthetic of some kind. I'm also getting a new MRI on my ankle to see what's going on. It's official that I can no longer walk more than 10 minutes without pain shooting up to a 7 or 8. The pain level doesn't go back down for a couple of days, so I'm doing a lot of sitting on my arse. You can imagine what that does to the waist line. It's not necessarily weight-bearing that's causing the pain (though I'm sure it exacerbates the issue), it's just the movement of the ankle. Even driving a car hurts because I have to move my ankle to work the gas pedal.

My follow-up appointment with the surgeon is on Monday. I'm ready to have my ankle fused back together at this point. Or just cut the damned thing off (I kid... sort of....) I can't even begin to express the frustration this has caused me. I'm basically house-bound because walking anywhere for any length of time hurts even if I'm wearing my boot. I can't go do anything fun, not even grocery shopping. Sure, I could ride around in one of those carts, but I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo done with this. As the weather becomes nicer, I become more crabby about it.

So, I guess we can all agree that it's been a very rough couple of weeks and all of it was self-induced. My brother told me this weekend (thanks for talking me down, bro!) that I really need to stop feeling responsible for everything and everyone around me and he's right. I think it's left-overs from being a single parent. It's a real mind-trip when you're responsible for EVERYTHING (keeping a household, making enough money to support my children, paying the bills, etc. etc. etc. ) for two children for most of their lives (TOTALLY WORTH IT!) It's hard to let go of that mind-set. The boys are able to support themselves and BJ has been able to manage living for 42 years without my assistance. Nobody is going to die if I'm unable to be the end-all and be-all for everyone and everything in my life (well, except Einstein, of course. giggle)

Yup, I know that there are awful things going on around me (Japan! Cancer! Death!) and so I feel guilty for whining about this. I think that it's the layer upon layer of stuff that has happened since 2007 that often-times feels like a never-ending mountain I've had to climb. Every time something else happens I think, "seriously? aren't we done?" And then I start climbing the mountain again and will continue to do so- perhaps not with a smile on my face but I'll climb dagnabbit.

The first step is to understand which path is worth climbing and that's what I'm working on now. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Back to square two on the fankle, which is depressing to say the least. No weight-bearing stuff (even walking) until we can keep my ankle in place and the tendon cools its jets.

My ankle pops out of place and locks within an hour from the time I leave her office and takes about ½ hour of manipulation before she can get it back in place when I see her next. Not walking has really cut down on the pain, but that can't be a long-term thing. I'm S.I.C.K. of gaining weight and I really can't eat less than I do. I'm taking two multivitamins a day and have a whey protein shake (made with almond milk) to make up for the lack of nutrition so my diet doesn't wreak havoc on my body.

Most of the manipulation doesn’t hurt because now my PT knows exactly what she needs to do now. She massages it until it’s warmed up and then pops it in place. It feels REALLY GOOD as soon as it pops and then suddenly my ankle can move. It’s the strangest thing. I imagine that it’s like when a chiropractor pulls on someone’s head to pop their neck into place. She told me that it’s not the same thing, but that’s the closest I can get to describing it.

My PT told me last night that she's not going to let this go on long before sending me back to the surgeon to see about repairing the tendon. The surgeon told me that could be a possibility early on, so I sort of expected this because I'm *that* person (if there's a side-effect, I get it. If there's a weird genetic thing to explain what's going on with my health, I have it... Need I say more?) I still have hope that there is something else we can do because quite frankly, I’m sick of surgery and I don’t have time for it.

To think this all started back in May of 2009 is crazy. Breaking a bone that didn't belong in the first place because I fainted in high heels. Come on, who else could tell THAT story, right?

(thank goodness I have a GREAT sense of humor)

Poor little blog, you must feel ignored!

So many things to blog about, so little time so guess what? I'm going to write a This and That!

• My dad chose the next Soul Pancake assignment. The assignment was, "List 5 questions you hate not having the answer to." My answer:
  
  1. What will be the cause of my death?
  
  
  2. Am I done living all my lives (Is class over?)
  
  
  3. Will my family ever truly accept the spiritual path I’ve taken?
  
  
  4. Will I be guaranteed to never be destitute?
  
  
  5. Will there be a cure for Alzheimer’s before I get it? (this is my greatest fear)



• Big Fish extended my contract for the whole year and added more hours (kaCHING). There's only one of me, so Ranger Mike will be working with me at TLS (my company) along with Cameron (son #1). My plan is to do work exclusively for Big Fish and oversee Cameron and Ranger Mike (finally, payback for when he used to try to punch me in the head when we were kids!) on the rest of the clients. I keep saying I hope I don't get any bigger, but that doesn't seem to be working. I guess I need to just live with the idea that TLS is too good to be small.



• Physical therapy is going well on the fankle. It was a piece of cake in the beginning, but now it's getting serious. I am doing weight bearing exercises for 1.5 hours along with electrical stimulation therapy and ultrasound therapy. I'm getting quite a work out three times a week and won't be done (according to my PT) until at least the end of March. I also have 3x a day fankle exercises to do at home. I have an assigned PT to catch me if I start to pass out now. Can you guess why? Yeah- I started passing out a few of times and made them nervous. My answer to that was to not make me work so hard. They didn't like that answer very much.
  
  I really like the 'kids' there. They're all in their 20's and really nice kids. We joke around with each other and I've shared with them that I'd like them all to dance the "Thriller" dance for my graduation. Everyone else gets a shirt. Dontcha worry, I'll bring my video camera if they come through for me. ::snicker::
  
  I've noticed something really funny. My ankle now feels "floppy" to me. When I told my PT about it she said, "That's how NORMAL ankles work". Now I know for sure that my left fankle also has a coalition because it isn't 'floppy'. Having an extra bone in the ankle is great when you're wearing heels because your ankle doesn't wobble about. Now I wonder if I'll be able to wear heels ever again. For the record, I do not plan to have surgery on my left fankle. I'll just leave it locked up. At least this explains why I ran 'funny'.



• BJ and I have a REALLY fun weekend planned. Can't say much about it until afterward, but suffice it to say I'm really looking forward to it. Sadly, we can't take Einstein. I'm not too upset for him because he's practically a mascot at the puppy hotel. They love him there. He loves it there too. How do I know this? He allows the girls that work there to carry him around like a little baby. He won't let BJ or me carry him around. Little brat! He's just so darned cute (and smart.)

I've changed and I hardly recognize the person I used to be. I've quit writing, mostly because I feel so easily exposed which makes me claustrophobic. When I do write, it's 'safe'.

I thought I'd try an experiment of shutting down my comments so I can pretend that nobody is reading my blog. Maybe that'll bring back the honest writing.

I'm in a deep funk. Weather related? Maybe. Hormones? Perhaps. Grief? Most likely.

Maybe a combination of all three.

I've given up Hospice for good. I don't have anything left to give. I feel empty. How can I possibly support someone else when my well is dry?

I think the brain damage from the original head injury might be part of this. If I look through my blog, my thought processes and writing changed a lot after that. I've certainly lost my ability to be patient, especially with people. I'm easily smothered, even more so than before. I'm not as forgiving of people as I used to be.

Damn, I sound like a crotchety old woman. Thankfully for BJ, I'm not outwardly crotchety- or so he says.

I really want to be the person I used to be, and I don't know if that's possible. That kills me.

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
~Marilyn vos Savant

I haven't written in a while, I know. I think it's because I haven't slowed down enough to even think, let alone write.

I chose this quote because it's a true reflection of my core personality. I've felt defeated many times, but I never EVER give up. Sometimes I think of myself as one of those kids bop bags because I can get punched down, but I always pop back up, though sometimes it takes a while.

I was bopped a good one on Thursday at the cardiologist's office. He had to take me off of the drug that has 100% stopped the fainting and near-fainting episodes because my blood pressure was so high that I was in danger of a stroke.

A week prior I was in the ER, because I was having stroke symptoms (left side of my face droopy, slurring my words, confused, etc.) and my blood pressure was soaring. I was diagnosed with a transient ischemic attack. Thankfully, the symptoms subsided after about five hours and they sent me home.

The next day, the cardiologist's office called me and set up an appointment with my cardiologist. They told me to cut the medication in half and told me to take my BP twice a day until my appointment.

Normally, my BP is 100-110/60-70. My BP remained over 145/80 (sometimes clear up to just under 160) and I had a horrible headache for a week. But I didn't faint!

The cardiologist said that there was nothing else they could give me for the fainting that wouldn't do the same thing to my blood pressure, and took me completely off the medication. He said he didn't want to be the one responsible for giving me a stroke or heart attack. I guess I don't blame him.

The first day off the drugs, I started to pass out twice. I wanted to cry, I really did. OK- truthfully, I did have a bit of a pity party this morning, but I'm mostly over it.

He gave me a prescription for compression tights (from toes to waist as soon as I'm out of bed) and wants me to keep drinking electrolytes, eating lots of salt and drinking lots of caffeine.

Oh, and raise the head of my bed. He told me to do that the last time I was there and I haven't done that yet. He scolded me like a child, "Lori, you KNOW we talked about this last time you were here". I felt really stupid.

The cardiologist told me that I'm one of those people that "lightening hits more than once, apparently". I've thought the same thing myself, but I refuse to roll over and play dead.

...I may lie down and take a nap though.